#1
Crit 4 crit, let me know what you think.

He rode the coat tails of his talent
In a leather bound volume that had come undone
The pages fell apart and crumbled
While he sang enough praises to please the sun
And all throughout the whole ordeal
He wept for joy and leapt for power
While the word made fit to make them squeal
And bathe in sin and cry and cower
But he took it back, thought it wrong
Changed the ink and quelled the racket
To the gods and monsters said so long
And traded his book in for a jacket

He looked to his jacket for so called comfort
But only saw fit to let it burn
And inhale the ashes while dousing the flames
Converting his body into an urn
The dead words inside are a sign of his pride
And the ink in his hand starts to boil
His own world is dry and craving some colour
But he still cannot part with his spoils
The fruits of his labour the reward or the bounty
Whose image he still cannot shake
He turns to the agents of friends and of lovers
But finds he has nothing to stake
#2
I would've liked to have seen the rhyming pattern change every now and then. Having the same rhyme scheme throughout the piece made it feel kind of stale and predictable. The content was good, but the rhymes just kind of turned me off. Also, I think he should've traded his book in for something else besides a jacket. Something that more closely related to a book, like a magazine or a diary. Just a suggestion. Anyways I hope to read more from you.


Crit mine please
Sitcom
#3
I actually really like the rhyming. I think not having it is what turns me off from many of the pieces on here.

"And the ink in his hand starts to boil
His own world is dry and craving some colour
But he still cannot part with his spoils
The fruits of his labour the reward or the bounty"

I really like these four lines, I think mostly because of the many strong words that either get a reaction or make an image (ink, boil, craving, spoils, bounty).

The only things that I would've changed (when only half way through the piece), was the racket, jacket rhyme. I thought it seemed force and something I little kid would put in the blank just because it rhymes. Don't get angry though. After finishing it, I found that the jacket was an essential part of the story, and that it was actually quite effective to leave jacket as the last word of the 1st stanza because it shows the importance of it to the piece as a whole.

Great job, especially on word choice.

If you could, please crit http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=94086, that'd be great
-"Son, hurry up, it's almost time to go!"

-"Okay daddy, almost ready."

-"Got your pads son?"

-"Yes dad."

-"Have your helmet?"

-"Yes dad, I do."

-"Good, your bus should be here any minute now..."
#4
thnks^^

as i was reading i couldn't wait to see what the next line was going to say
the tension is really great
i like it
(i'm not very good at critting^^ but you get it)
Here my voice goes to ones and zeros...
#5
I really liked this. You use some nice, descriptive words. I feel power in your piece, I also liked some of the rhyming. Bathe in sin, cry and cower is my favorite line in this. It feels really strong and I like your word choice. I can't really say anything wrong about this, so overall, good job. I liked it.
#6
i think the underlying message is a good one, maybe about someone who lost it all? great message. personally was never into the longer lined lyrics but im sure it would be great for its genre
#8
I liked it, there was some really good words used in it
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