#1
I don't really write very often, but I was listening to some flobots and I kinda got inspired as lame as it sounds

So, here it is, C4C if you wish, please post link

Fire soars, sirens blare
And the sound of gunshots tear
Into silence, past and present
Its always been the same
Since the dawn of time
Patterns, reruns
Unchanging with guns
On the streets
Black eyed
Blue tears
Red blood
Through the years
Further fears
Nightmares
Recurring and stirring the child at night
Her fears become real
She covers her ears
Daddy collapses
Mother follows
She cowers in the corner
Her face in her pillow
To dream it all away
But she will never forget
The day that angels wept
For that little girl that night

-"Son, hurry up, it's almost time to go!"

-"Okay daddy, almost ready."

-"Got your pads son?"

-"Yes dad."

-"Have your helmet?"

-"Yes dad, I do."

-"Good, your bus should be here any minute now..."
#2
I liked the way that you were able to paint a picture with so few words. I'm a big fan of imagery and this piece reminded me of a surreal painting. There are a few minor changes i would consider. I would add some punctuation. Also i would replace "black eyed" without "black eyes" and "Mother" with "mommy". And the last two lines need to be changed. "Angels wept" seems kind of cheesy and "that little girl" seems too impersonal. Other then that everything looks good.

Crit mine please
Sitcom