#1
been stuck in some pretty savage writers block, and this is the first complete thing i've written in a long while. it just fell out of my head, so its very unpolished and the initial premise was based on a very clumsy metaphor, but crits and opinions would be nice. c4c, naturally.

cheers.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


throw the thinking on the streets
and slink back to the bar
and end up like the specimens all pickled in their jars.
just ignore the scars that track the inner arms
and tread the beaten path
thats worked so well, for so many, so many times, so far....

once two doves escaped in a cloud of chalk dust, crushed bone, and cuboid spores
off over the smiles and the 'S' that was pressed into the roof of my mouth,
despite the constant deluge beating through the streets i followed
i took the thinking out with me
and left the box indoors

footing couldnt be found in the flood, footsteps were washed away in the downpour
heavy jaws lament and drag heads crashing to the floor
incredibly i didnt realise even when my ear was so close to the ground
that not a single friendly tone or sound could be tracked or hunted down.

far too many ventures, too much spent and nothing gained
a back drained, clouded brain and kicked in brick lane window panes.
but even when i stepped out side to try breath and face the plains
i just came home with dimmer eyes and senses faded by the rain.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
Last edited by FunkasPuck at Aug 24, 2008,
#2
Gah. There isn't enough of this kind of writing in the SW & L forum, this stuff is great.

Original style by my eyes, I like it.

The third stanza, this:

footing couldnt be found in the flood, footsteps were washed away in the downpour
heavy jaws lament and drag heads crashing to the floor
incredibly i didnt realise even when my ear was so close to the ground
that not a single friendly tone or sound could be tracked or hunted down.

is the best part in my humble opinion.

You paint the picture of your character very well, I feel like he's very weary and worn from the world he knows outside his mind too well, like he's been boxed in by the walls he built.

Keep writing please.
#4
thanks very much guys.

Iamonfire, you pretty much hit the nail on the head there. its kind of a no win situation.
you even spotted the clumsy box metaphor. good show.

hopefully this heralds the end of the block, and i actually can keep writing.
at least now i know its not all complete cack.

cheers.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#5
I'm not going to go in to detail, you need to figure it out for yourself
The half rhymes were good, the full rhymes were obvious.
You need to work on some of the punctuation, especially in places like the end of the second stanza.
You have some really nice images & this usually flows really nicely, but some more clever punctuation would get it up there. It's got great parts, actually, on content, most of it is, but it lacks quirkiness & something bold to hold it out and show how great it is.
To sum that up, I had to read this about five times before it struck me that I actually rather liked what you were saying.
And also, something that's passing around from writer to writer on here and got to me a while ago: let the piece speak for itself. You don't need the excuses at the beginning. You grow as a writer from peoples criticism and applause, not the praising comments that are called for as soon as someone writes a self hating intro (whether the person realises it or not. They usually do). If it's unfinished, the writer will realise this, and if they respect your writing, they'll take it as a given.
You can grow from this, add refinement & exploration and your writing is wonderful. It just lacked that something for me, that spice. That quick hit assonance, that 'oh my god'.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
thanks for the comments. good old ambiguity. keeps me on my toes.

i take your point about the disclaimers, but i suppose i just find that if i point out my weaknesses first, im more prepared for when other people do.
not so much actively seeking praise, just making some of possible criticisms redundant.

you are right though.

cheers.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#7
i rather enjoyed this, the rhymes worked surprisingly well and there were some excellent lines.

once two doves escaped in a cloud of chalk dust, crushed bone, and cuboid spores
off over the smiles and the 'S' that was pressed into the roof of my mouth,

loved that.

what exactly did you mean by "drag heads crashing to the floor"...i tried reading that a couple times and wasn't sure if i was mistaken. do you mean "drag" as in the verb or is that meant to be an adjective? it confused me a little.

i'm not sure whether i like the last line as an ending. on one level it seems to work. it feels anti-climatic and i'm almost tempted to think it's good that way because of the apathy and giving-up-indifference of the narrator, but at the same time i'm not sure it felt enough like a self-concious apathy if that makes sense. sorry, i'm rambling.
anyway, i did think it was rather awesome and hope you come out of your block as i would like to read more from you.
i haven't really deserved it to be honest, but if you had a butchers at either one in my sig (the second is most recent), i'd appreciate it.

take ccare buddy, ant
#8
Dude. You had me the whole time!
Amazing stuff! I just got my first guitar, and after I get better at it, Im planning on doing a little solo project with my guitar, and my voice.
Amazing stuff, really.
What style is it though?
Sounds like it would be a mix between Secondhand Seronade (style), and Yellowcard (sound).
Some of the lyrics sound metal-ish though....
Dude, you're awesome!