#1
Gave it a few touchups, hopefully it sounds better.

--

You need at hug? The sunlight will do it
Can't seem to remember your name
Im running in circles, the clock starts to tick tock
you really have no one to blame
Have you got no shame?

What at stupid excuse for a kiss

Its not so much fun over here
That's a blanket of stares
We moved on forgot and for what?
Stuck snug in our dreams
a warm cup of cocoa
A cold London night but why not?

Moving from one place, from that to another
That warm smile really does shine
I've been thinking about things I don't get at all
Dot to dot and line to line
Were running out of time

What at stupid excuse for a kiss

Its not so much fun over here
That's a blanket of stares
We moved on forgot and for what?
Stuck snug in our dreams
a warm cup of cocoa
A cold London night but why not?

And not just for laughs
Not just to say that you did
Think
You really should live and just breathe

Its not so much fun over here
That's a blanket of stares
We moved on forgot and for what?
Stuck snug in our dreams
a warm cup of cocoa
A cold London night but why not?
Last edited by MUUFasaurus at Aug 26, 2008,
#2
You need at hug, the sunlight will do it
I can't seem to think of a name
Running in circles, our sky is the limit
And you have no one to blame
I'm having trouble making heads or tails of this first stanza. So it holds my attention; however, it is probably not in the manner that you intended. Also, I'm having trouble finding a proper pace here. However, the lyrical content shows potential from the get-go.

You really have no shame
What at stupid excuse for a kiss
Good. Conflict creates a situation and thus, interest.

Its not so much fun over here
That's a blanket of stares
We moved on forgot and for what?
Stuck snug in our dreams
a warm cup of cocoa
A cold London night but why not?
I see good metaphorically usage here. But I believe you are still working on getting to where the song is going.

Driving and driving not too fast not too slow
That warm smile really does shine
I've been thinking about things I don't get at all
Dot to dot and line to line
"Dot to dot and line to line". Where did you come up with that? That's brilliant! This stanza shines with the exception of the first line. Maybe it's just me.

Were running out of time
What at stupid excuse for a kiss
Revisiting something addressed earlier in the song... good.

Its not so much fun over here
That's a blanket of stares
We moved on forgot and for what?
Stuck snug in our dreams
a warm cup of cocoa
A cold London night but why not?
I'm guessing this is the chorus.

And not just for laughs
Not just to say that you did
Breathe
Breathe and live and just breathe
The repetitiveness seems a bit repetitive.

Its not so much fun over here
That's a blanket of stares
We moved on forgot and for what?
Stuck snug in our dreams
a warm cup of cocoa
A cold London night but why not?
Chorus.

Overall, I'd say that the only problems with this piece are:
1) connecting your thoughts
and
2) the rhythm
However, some simple revisions can make this piece much smoother. And as for the rhythm, it could honestly just be me. Maybe I read it with a totally different mindset than you had when you wrote it.

Thanks for reviewing my song. I appreciate that. And yes, I totally wrote it with "acoustic" and "major chords" in mind.
Last edited by alteemsma at Aug 22, 2008,