#1
teenagerrrrrrrrrr.

woke up
wanted something different
so i shaved my head
and took four, instead
of the regular;
nothing but some morphine.
numb dumb
and bubble-yum.
felt badass like vietnam
bandanna smoking cigs
on the way to the
school bus.

fifteen minutes,
driver said it'd be before we made it.

shaved head saw red.
razor in the fingernail
bled and bled. dreamt
a bed in France
when i was down;
face in arms
upon a school desk
foul.
so now a
fat nosey teacher's
got a lot to say
about my sleepless habits
the family, food,
my day
and everything and anything
what the hell is wrong with me?
it's not in your job description
i'm going home, fucker.

i was solid as
the rock of jibralter;
when my head started
banging off the sidewalk.
about the time my
tongue and teeth
made a bloody sandwich.
around the flagpole
gather 'round gather 'round
listen to the sounds
arms up and down
making jumping jack
snow angels, 'cept in the gravel
they said it was death
but i don't remember.
i won't forget.
felt like the middle of a
dust devil
but there weren't any leaves
or dirt
only piss and puke
ripped up shirt
swirling all around
like an act of nature;
it's just not natural.

cops gave me a ride
from the hospital,
straight back to a better
comfort for this pidgeon
to perch upon and shit
on everyone, just a little more.
the stone porch bannister led 'round
both sides
to caddy corner, and moved to meet
a middle opening;
where you could follow the steps
right into my goddamn privacy.

and you don't understand.
so i smoke another one
ashamed
and i don't understand.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Aug 22, 2008,
#2
this is a poem dude, but I like the ideas, work on a verse/course/verse build.
POTENTIAL
LifeSucks
PeopleDie
F*ckTheWorld
LetsGetHigh
#3
My face is a melty soft goo
UG'S SEXIEST TRANNY 2010

UG'S 3rd HOTTEST CROSSDRESSER 2011
#4
Quote by PopPunkPotHead
this is a poem dude, but I like the ideas, work on a verse/course/verse build.
POTENTIAL



whats wrong with poetry, huh? you got a problem with poetry? you feelin' lucky, huh? poetry will kick your scrawny ass mutha fucka. yeah




love is a dog from hell.



#6
ok. i'm going to edit something in here to be very clear:


it's a poem. nothing more, nothing less.

edit:
Quote by Chris
everything that he said in that badass slang
yes.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#7
The first four lines were friggin' perfect. As a whole, this piece tetered on the edge of teenage-angst-clicheism, but rarely ever came across as cliche. You just cut it close a whole lot. The only thing I didn't like was the first half of stanza two.

Still, great piece.
#8
I don't believe I've ever seen such a prevalent rhyme scheme from you. It was fun, and with the upbeat storyline, read like a charm - except for the foul/for now rhyme, hated that. I find that when I want something fun to read, I can turn to any which one of your pieces and not be disappointed. At the same time though you almost effortlessly pile on the layers, making something so juicy that I can't help but sink my teeth in. It was medium rare, zesty, and

maybe I should return after I've eaten something.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#9
Might write an English version of this if you don't mind. It'd be a lot different; all the same events, different attitudes towards them though eh... and less initiative. And forget spelling. Or big words. Or description. Maybe it'll just be a sentence.

Urgh, I'm back in Manchester.

Anyways: I liked the rhyme, I half-liked/half-hated the subject but you did well to not make it flow in to cliche. It was good; not your best but a fun read.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#10
kept me reading but overall felt more like an exercise than a poem. Rambled far past it's possible impact. seperate things out more, condense condense condense. There were so many brilliant things here and excellent pieces of imagery (steady as the rock of jebralter is a personal fave that I've used a couple of times) but it got lost in itself. The audience knew very little of the goal of the narrator (where the piece was going to go) and I believe that hurt the piece. I'm not saying divulge intentions I just desire a greater sense of foreshadowing (the author being in control of where the piece is going). I dunno. kept me reading though and that shouldn't be overlooked.

#11
Quote by #1 synth
kept me reading but overall felt more like an exercise than a poem. Rambled far past it's possible impact. seperate things out more, condense condense condense. There were so many brilliant things here and excellent pieces of imagery (steady as the rock of jebralter is a personal fave that I've used a couple of times) but it got lost in itself. The audience knew very little of the goal of the narrator (where the piece was going to go) and I believe that hurt the piece. I'm not saying divulge intentions I just desire a greater sense of foreshadowing (the author being in control of where the piece is going). I dunno. kept me reading though and that shouldn't be overlooked.




Yep.
#12
woke up
wanted something different
so i shaved my head
and took four, instead
of the regular;
nothing but some morphine.
numb dumb
and bubble-yum.
felt badass like vietnam
bandanna smoking cigs
on the way to the
school bus.
I thought this was a great great opening. I'm a bit conflicted in using this too much, but "refreshing" is what I look for in an opening to a poem, something new, something exciting that will make me read on, and this does that very well, with wording, punctuation (which lacks but is compensated for with line breaks and structure) and imagery.

fifteen minutes,
driver said it'd be before we made it.
A bit confused about tenses, thought it should be "make" rather than "made". Other than that it was a nice little stanza.

shaved head saw red.
razor in the fingernail
bled and bled. dreamt
a bed in France
when i was down;
face in arms
upon a school desk
foul.
so now a
fat nosey teacher's
got a lot to say
about my sleepless habits
the family, food,
my day
and everything and anything
what the hell is wrong with me?
it's not in your job description
i'm going home, ****er.
Here you've done something interesting. The pace of the piece just took massive acceleration. On the one hand, I thought it was very clever and added to the intensity of the piece, but on the other hand it felt a bit too rap, and I don't mean it in a bad way but it made the piece seem a bit "young", and very raw. Perhaps it's the feeling you were going for, but even if so, I think it doesn't go quite well with the more polished feeling of the beginning.

i was solid as
the rock of Gibraltar;
when my head started
banging off the sidewalk.
about the time my
tongue and teeth
made a bloody sandwich.
around the flagpole
gather 'round gather 'round
listen to the sounds
arms up and down
making jumping jack
snow angels, 'cept in the gravel
they said it was death
but i don't remember.
i won't forget.
felt like the middle of a
dust devil
but there weren't any leaves
or dirt
only piss and puke
ripped up shirt
swirling all around
like an act of nature;
it's just not natural.
Here I think I agree with the criticism that pointed out this became a bit of a rant, a bit of an exercise, rather than something that was sifted through and thought through more. It felt like you started writing something that was very clear in your head and then you let the stream of conciousness take over and every single idea that came into your head just spilled out. It happens to me a lot, but even if it takes me completely away from the original idea I had, at the end I still edit anything I write because I have to control my piece and I can't have it control me, at least not in a manner that makes it lose its way.

cops gave me a ride
from the hospital,
straight back to a better
comfort for this pidgeon
to perch upon and ****
on everyone, just a little more.
the stone porch bannister led 'round
both sides
to caddy corner, and moved to meet
a middle opening;
where you could follow the steps
right into my goddamn privacy.
It felt to me like you pulled in the reins a bit here, you've managed to go back to a more constructed story, which you completely lost in the previous stanza. Whether this is for the best or not, I'm not sure, because it feels like you were going for two completely different pieces in one. One that is constructed, a consistent storyline, and the other feels like a rant that confuses feelings and thoughts. Both are good in their own way, but I'm not sure they go together well.

and you don't understand.
so i smoke another one
ashamed
and i don't understand.
This was an ok ending. I felt that because of the issue with the two different directions the piece was pulling towards, the ending was a bit anaemic in concluding the "mess" that was created. Perhaps if you had something stronger that tied it all together, the different sides of the piece could still work. As it is, I think you just got carried away with too much things going on in your head and on the paper.

I'm sure I don't need to tell you that I appreciate your writing and everything that I said here is because I think this IS good writing, it just lacks polish and refinement and it feels so raw and lacks direction. Perhaps due to certain things that you're going through at the moment, but I do believe this is a great opportunity to look at how your emotional state affects your writing and which aspects of it.

Hope this was helpful, I did put a lot of thought into it.

This is not a pipe
#13
"what the hell is wrong with me?"

listening to blink lately??? lol
id edit that line bro
#14
the first time i read this i started to skim read by the end of the second stanza, and by the end decided it was too long to make the impact i thought it would when i started it.. however i read it about... well i dont know, quite a few times since, and i can't really see any thing i'd take out. there are certainly parts that don't sit that as well with me as the rest, but i don't want to nit pick, so i'll just say another good job.

also

i won't forget.
felt like the middle of a
dust devil
but there weren't any leaves
or dirt
only piss and puke
ripped up shirt
swirling all around
like an act of nature;
it's just not natural.

i hope this one isn't based on a true story.
#15
^yeah, it happened to one of my friends back in highschool. he made it ok though.


thanks everyone for getting to this, i really really really appreciate it.
Carmel, you are the bomb. thank you soooooooooo much. <3
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Aug 23, 2008,