#1
circle drifter, penny lifter,
just a filthy trickster
stealing every what-
if hell was city nights,
if it was frozen long ago.
if God was just a dumpster,
collecting every no.
or what if I myself am God...

no
(more trash)
that can't be. but if I was God
I would change these pennies into dimes forever
and make my life ten times better.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Aug 22, 2008,
#2
dude, you just whooped ass with the second stanza.
bravo, Jake.
i absolutely adored this.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#3
The language was so beautiful. I don't know what to say, man. The second stanza was great, as well as "God was a dumpster, collecting every no". This was fantastic.

DONT return the crit.
#6
this really is very very good. i really enjoyed it. it got to the point that i was just reading it over and over looking for something more to say than just well done. but i'm at a loss. so if you think of something let me know and i'll edit it in.
#7



oh, come on, what else did you expect?

Okay then, I'll say as my only slight piece of criticism that I didn't enjoy the first 'no' that you used. It didn't seem connected enough to what you were saying, and although the meaning was there I'm sure that with a re-work on that line, keeping the 'no' in somewhere, it would be so much more effective.

This was so, so good though .
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#8
I don't like the use of the brackets. Everything else was spot on. Perfect theme in a short amount of lines that doesn't feel crammed. I remember when I wrote a few short poems I used to really enjoy it. This is like those. Not the same themes or anything, but the same playful diction and rhythm.


You did it much better though. thanks for your comment on mine, I'm going to try incorporate that into my next piece.
#9
I liked the first three lines.

Then I kind of lost interest. Obviously just me, but I felt the rest was just a bit faux-philosophical, yknow. The sound of it all was nice but actual content for me was lacking, I did't really feel a big emotional pay off or anything at the end.

Eh, obviously just me.
#11
i really love your 2nd stanza
its really creative and smart
good job=] haha
#12
Quote by Billyjson
circle drifter, penny lifter,
just a filthy trickster
stealing every what-
if hell was city nights,
if it was frozen long ago.
if God was just a dumpster,
collecting every no.
or what if I myself am God...

Nice....I love the flow of this so far and the idea of it seems great

no
(more trash)
that can't be. but if I was God
I would change these pennies into dimes forever
and make my life ten times better.

Awesome


Dude, I can't put it into any other words other than that this is spot on and perfect
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#14
Thank you very much, all of you, I really appreciate it.

Jammy, whether just you or not I thank you for the comment and the honesty.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.