#1
Alright, I don't have a title for this song yet, I am still thinking of that. I do know the genre and what I mean by hard/screamo is like Alesana, The Devil Wears Prada, Silverstein,Senses Fail, and other kinds of bands like that.

I'm also thinking of doing this song acoustically, by myself instead of working on it with a band. Do you think acoustic, or hardcore?
I also know my chorus is not very good, but I'm still working on that, so maybe you could help me out and give me some ideas.

I will critique your song if you leave me a link.

Intro:
You're scared to get close
Break down your wall
Don't try to propose
That you will fall
If you live insecure
You'll never know
When you'll mature
You won't ever grow

Verse 1:
If everything was perfect
And always the same
Would you get bored
Of this tedious game
Nothing to work for
When it's already here
Lets figure this out
So it's not austere

Chorus:
If you take this chance
And give me a test
Maybe I can show
I'm not like the rest

Verse 2:
He's old news
Don't pay him heed
He's using you girl
Don't plant that seed
He lies to you
Yet you come back
What are you thinking
Don't give him slack

Bridge:
Realize what I can give
But what he will take
Are you ready to live
Or will you make that mistake
Take me in and understand
I'll save you from your demise
Are you going to fall
Or will you choose to rise

Chorus
Last edited by DuckOnQuack at Aug 22, 2008,
#3
First of all... definately keep this hardcore. It's really good for hardcore. Or do both. A lot of bands do that. They'll make one version and then put an acoustic version out as like a bonus track. But that's just me. Okay, now to the crit. The intro was very good. If you execute it correctly, it could really make the song unique and fun to listen to. I liked both verses a lot. Very good flow, rhyme scheme was pretty good, and word choice was excelent. I actually liked your chorus. Don't get me wrong, it does need work, but i like what you're trying to say. I think you just need to add one more four line stanza and really say what you're trying to say. I liked the second verse too. Great flow, great word choice, great rhyme scheme. I saw no distinct flaws. I feel like the bridge could use some work flow wise. After the first three lines it just completely falls apart. You lose your rhyme scheme, and it gets very choppy. Just fix up those last couple lines and it'll be great. Let's recap. Chorus just needs a little more, and the last couple lines of the bridge need work. Not bad. Crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=942078 thx.
Nice job. Keep up the good work.
#4
Pretty good, i liked the bridge and first verse, i liked the chorus aswell but thought it was a bit short, overall it was good though
Gear:

Fender Highway One Strat
Ibanez RG321MH
Cort SFX-1
Peavey Valveking 112
Marshall MG30DFX
Morley Power Wah
Mapex VX 22 (drum kit)
Mahalo flying V ukulele