#1
c4c. fun to write. for the record I'm like 1/16 Cherokee. Don't get pissy with me about the subject


Let's frolic through the forest
knitting sabers for toy soldiers
as they kill those pesky indians.
Nothing worse than an indian thinking
that this isn't the white man's land.

Let's wander through the woods
crocheting condoms from poison ivy
and sell them to big chief uga-booga.
We'll strangulate their population
and leave them itchy in the mean time.

We can send them on holiday.
Four-hundred years in a casino.
They won't even need a reservation,
we made them in advance
because polite is our middle name.
#2
oh.my.god.
SKILLFUL!
Man, that is GOOD! god! i'm gobsmackedm and, TRUST ME, does not happen often!
do u mind if i use a bit for my siggy?
~~~JOIN THE FREE THE TIBETANS GROUP~~~

~~~Tibetans are being forced into slavery, and the Chinese can't do anything about it, BUT WE CAN! Please, inform others of the harsh treatment, and STAND UP FOR A GOOD CAUSE!~~~
#4
I feel like you have more wit in you than this. The first lines of the first two stanzas sounded very plain, and ordinary. Honestly, most of your pieces I've read have been absolutely wonderful, but this just didn't do it for me, sorry man. Thanks for the comment on my piece.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#5
If you asked me to tell you what you were feeling when you wrote this I would quickly respond with "nothing." I couldn't even tell if you had fun writing this. Aside from that everything here is in the hypothetical, nothing is based in fact and nothing is based in experience leading to me believing the author knows little about what he's writing (drawing me completely out of the piece). It's a generalization backed up with metaphors that, as a critical reader who is meeting you for the first time in this poem, are being used to mask the fact that there is no substance. It read the same as in all these ****ty "witty" poems that are posted on here, throwing wordplay and obscure "original" imagery or metaphor on as a mask for the fact that there is nothing behind it.

Also, your irony in being a braggart as the narrator in this piece turns me off completely. No one likes being condescended upon, even if the irony is obvious, as it reads like you are a child who thinks himself (and his irony) so good that you can get away with shallow, boring lines like "we can send them on holiday". In addition to the previous thoughts the thing that bugged me the most was because none of your individual words really mattered. You know as well as I (though I will not be the first to admit that I adhere to this even close to as well as I should) that in poetry every word counts. This poem could have ended after the first stanza and would have made the same statement.

Don't mean to be a downer but I just couldn't connect with anything about this piece. From what you were saying to why you were saying it (again, I couldn't even tell you had fun writing it). The poem on a whole felt like a phantom covered in a mask.

But just so you know, by critiquing this I really helped myself think through some things outloud so thank you quite a bit for that. And your flow here was great. So were your line breaks.

Always thinking of you,
Dylan.
#6
wow. thats cold synth. but sadly true. i can see where she is coming from, if i didnt read this i would never feel any diffrent. all in all thought the imagery and just entertaining these idea's are interesting. it's cool to dream. enjoyable. tho not life changing.
#7
Thanks for smacking me everyone. I needed it.

To be honest, I'm sort of in a down spot for ideas to write about. This just came up, and since I've had little substance lately, I've been working on writing with flow and rhythm, so I'm glad that at least came out alright. I thought the idea was sort of fun, which is why it was enjoyable to write. But you all are certainly right.

Thanks.
#8
Eh, I'm starting to feel that "written for fun" is a prelude to everything you write atm.

Which is meaning I'm not taking anything you write seriously, at all.

Hence why I agree with Dylans first paragraph 100%.

It's either time for you to knuckle down and read read read write write or I feel all you'll be posting is these (for me, anyway ) insignificant, "witty" cynical pieces.

tbh.

#9
Well, Jamie. To be honest, I have no inspiration to write anything seriously currently. It's happened a few times that I've wanted to write seriously... but at the moment I'm just writing to try to teach myself some rhythm and rhyme and flow and structure to an extent.

If it wasn't just for fun though, I wouldn't do it anymore. Writing isn't and has never been a serious release for me, nor somethign I take too seriously. I enjoy doing it, so I do it when I have an idea... so I'm afraid just for fun is my motto when it comes to writing. I deal with life and other seriousness head on, and don't care to write about it. I dunno, maybe that will change, if something worth writing about happens in my life... but as it is, my life is fairly mundane, and attempting to be witty is the highlight at times.

In short, I know you are right... you've been right every time you've told me this; I just don't feel a drive to be any more serious about writing than I currently am. But I do always appreciate your opinion and thoughts.

EDIT: TBH, Untitled in my sig was written with a serious topic in mind, also. It may not have been what you want to see... but I was dead serious with that one. I mean it was fun to write and all, very fun to write... but yeah
#10
I'm not going to join in on the "fun or not" argument; I feel and I know you all feel (hopefully) that what you chose to write unprompted is always fun. Excluding sex and toaster strudels, not much compares with the feeling you get after writing something you're proud of. I enjoyed this, but forgetting what I think, my only question for you then is: Did this give you that feeling?
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#12
Nothing more to say then, I do feel pretentious asking a question like that to a writer such as yourself. I have this habit of liking everything you post, though I do agree with freshtunes on the beginning.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Aug 24, 2008,
#13
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c. fun to write. for the record I'm like 1/16 Cherokee. Don't get pissy with me about the subject


Let's frolic through the forest
knitting sabers for toy soldiers
as they kill those pesky indians.
Nothing worse than an indian thinking
that this isn't the white man's land.

Good flow, nice set of vocabulary....The set mood was good. I liked the second line the best....I think the Indian on the fourth line should be replaced with Savage (to me this adds some emphasis to the emotion of this piece)

Let's wander through the woods
crocheting condoms from poison ivy
and sell them to big chief uga-booga.
We'll strangulate their population
and leave them itchy in the mean time.

Nice flow and structure to this. I can't find anything here to actually complain, this stanza (to me) feels perfect...

We can send them on holiday.
Four-hundred years in a casino.
They won't even need a reservation,
we made them in advance
because polite is our middle name.

I don't like this as much as your other two stanza's...it doesn't seem to fit and it feels like you were trying to find a way how to end it. The idea behind it was good, I just feel that it could have been worded better. The flow is alright...I like the way how you used reservation in this though.

To me, I think this part just needs a poetic device to spruce it up some...





Overall this was a pretty good piece...I wasn't a big fan of the subject, but everyone is entitled to their own expression of feelings...


If you ever get the time take a look at my latest piece:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=943043
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#14
kind of a touchy subject, but i liked it. there was good flow, and to me it seemed like you chose your words very well

"Let's frolic through the forest
knitting sabers for toy soldiers
as they kill those pesky indians.
Nothing worse than an indian thinking
that this isn't the white man's land."

LOVED THIS!