#1
an ots piece, first thing i've actually completed in like two years, i swears it. anywho, it's bad as hell, poorly written, and i probably used every word wrong; whatevs. crit if you want, leave a link and i'll get to yours. thanks.

"final"

we follow those with deaf ears for they know not the sound of failure; we follow those with blind eyes for they know not commitment to defined lines. we touched fingertips for the first time as our breath awkwardly fled; disguised as the slow death of a diminishing cigarette leaving the set scene of a still-life parking lot. we heard not the sound of any slurred lies from any of the stranded passersby as we occupied ourselves with each others eyes, embracing the visual relations already held in our minds. our mouths parted but hardly a sound came out; a reluctant sigh from one to the other, a bothersome attempt at slowing everything down. we held our ground for awhile as hours passed until the maladaptation of the moonlight became as apparent as the birthing of the sun.

after a lifetime of holding hands and becoming antiquated, we became the blind; we became the deaf, and we brushed fingertips one last time in order to remember exactly what it had originally felt like, but this time we held our breath and noticed that only our love for each other had fled; we didn't hold any words in our mouths and soon after we had left the ground, never again to make a sound.
#2
dang....
I like it, Its very deep.
It to me sounds like it would sound good in a kinda "Doorsy, Jim Morrison" THing.

If Your in high school, I would ask your english teacher to look at it. They can critique it rather well. Just tell them about it when everybody is leaving the class if you don't want the students to here it. I do that all the time.
#3
I enjoyed the internal rhyming throughout, and the flow was good, but I felt like I would have gotten a lot more out of it if it had more structure, you know line breaks and whatnot. Not to mention that it would make the piece easier to follow.

One other complaint is the ground/sound rhyme at the end. It seemed very novice and lame. Not a good way to end the piece.

All-in-all I think you did alright for your first piece in so long.


The link in my sig is my only recent piece. It sucks but any words of wisdom would be appreciated.
#4
Thanks, I'm not in high school so I don't really have anybody else to crit it other than the fine people on this website.

I didn't break up the lines at all because this is more of a prose piece than an actual poem, but I definitely know what you mean about the ending. I lost anything I had going for me with the second paragraph, but I just wanted to finish what I actually started and see how it goes. Thanks both of you.
#5

i think this was excellently written, and started off great. the way you referred back to it at the end tied it in nicely and was also good.

i do agree with the majority of what bassbeat said though, "never again to make a sound" seemed like an uninspired way of ending.

still a great read despite not being at your best. keep 'em coming.
#6
I think you've named like, four pieces "final". My mind could just be eroding away, though.

1st: Gudd.

2nd: Eh.

The big thing is I see ends everywhere-- where is the end? You lose what you're trying to say completely.


I remember when this forum was littered with kids trying to mimic your ****.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#7
Thank you two. I know I still owe you a couple crits sleep, and I'll definitely get to them, I've just been busy as all hell, but hopefully this weekend I'll get sometime.

Thank you too sweetheart, and I definitely have named at least four pieces 'final', it's pretty much my 'go to' title when I can't think of anything else, haha.

I definitely don't remember when this forum was littered with kids trying to mimic my ****, if there ever was a time, haha.

Thanks again.
#8
honestly when i first looked at your piece i almost didnt read it cause of the length but i am very glad that i did. i really enjoyed reading your piece, great depth. you did a great job with this one. look forwad to reading more.
if you havent already read my piece " girls are f*cking evil my friend" you might wanna check it out. i think you'll like it. the link is
www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=709143
pardon me... do you have any grey poupon?
#10
the first 4-5 complete ideas were great. they weren't really broken into lines, definitively, but you know what I mean. The internal rhyming was stellar save for the thing bassbeat picked out. The problem here is that it resembles pancakes. It started out completely excellent. Then, I started to lose enthusiasm for it, as it just stopped being so exciting and for lack of better termage, "otherworldly." You sort of lost that edge you had going, and it really made this rather bitter to me. By the end, I was sort of sick of the tone, to be flagrantly honest. It felt like you offered the grand finale at the beginning and then shot off some bottle rockets here and ther afterwards, but nothing to match the edge and tone you started with. That's the type of thing that will come back to you if you continue to write and start to pick up your old habits again though.

Still, a pleasant little read.

If you feel like it, thoughts on Ring Pop (sig) would be appreciated. If not, no biggie as I didn't offer too much outside of opinions here.

-zC