#1
The long walk home


i followed a slight feline like whisper
a scent half dreamt
made my nights last wish the
last acquisition
in this haze worthwhile
two warm lips
in a winters smile

boldly i strolled
into the big red giant
and swiftly
became solely reliant
on my fingers as guide
in an old world unknown
as i brushed aside
thoughts of safety and home

i saw little of the time that followed
can't focus
pressed to the scent of tomorrow?
as things started to clear
i knew i'd be on my own
no blame for how i got here
just hoping
i could find my way home
#2
The first stanza doesn't seem to amount to much except some pretty language (and if you want to make it prettier I'd remove 'like' from the first line). If I knew a little more of what was going on it might a greater impact, as is stands though there's too much that need be implied. The few rhymes were nice, especially in comparison to the second stanza, which became tedious. When finished, I was a bit confused because the title seems to fully contradict what's actual happening; it's not about the walk home, it's about the journey from home. I suppose the foreshadowing adds some interest to it but with the vague first stanza I think you'd be much better off just giving away what's happening with the title.

If I weren't here to critique this and give you a hard time, I'd say it was a pretty good read.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#3
Quote by AK.
The long walk home


i followed a slight feline like whisper
a scent half dreamt
made my nights last wish the
last acquisition
in this haze worthwhile
two warm lips
in a winters smile

i think the assonance of "slight feline like" doesn't work so well: "feline like" sounds uncomfortable to me. the second line however is much better. i liked the rest, particularly the last two lines. good opener

boldly i strolled
into the big red giant
and swiftly
became solely reliant
on my fingers as guide
in an old world unknown
as i brushed aside
thoughts of safety and home

the first problem i notice is the third and fourth line "and swiftly became solely reliant...". personally, i think the inclusion of the two adverbs is so close is too much. "old world unknown"...i feel like there could be something better here. the adjective "old" feels slightly weak. i liked the idea in this stanza though. made me think of a person stumbling blindly into love. the "fingers as a guide" was good, brought to mind an image of kissing.

i saw little of the time that followed
can't focus
pressed to the scent of tomorrow?
as things started to clear
i knew i'd be on my own
no blame for how i got here
just hoping
i could find my way home
i found this ending stanza as a whole slightly weak and came across as filler compared to the two previous stanzas. it just generates a lack of interest really as you don't seem to be saying a lot. "can't focus" seemed like a throwaway line/redundant after the first. the third line seemed quite glaring with it's phrasing as a question, unlike any other line in the piece.



on the whole, i think it started off well, but got slightly worse towards the end. seems a bit too thin on the ground though. not enough ideas going on to make this a memorable piece. but it's not a bad effort. i still feel the last stanza needs a lot of work. i hope this is helpful, if you get a chance to take a look at the bottom one in my sig, i'd appreciate it.
#4
thank you both of you. i was trying to be vague because what it refers to is pretty crude and i didn't want that to jump out at the reader. but now i can see areas where i should have been more clear. it actually starts when i was already on my way home, and i got... side tracked. it took me about a further four hours from when this ends to actually get home.

sleep sickness... old world unknown got to me too, but i got stuck trying to thing of another way to describe a new twist on something you've done many times before.

also the can't focus line was a reference to opening your eyes when your kissing, and how it's all blurry and there was no way in hell i was going to see where i was going.

thanks again
#5
Quote by AK.
The long walk home


i followed a slight feline like whisper
a scent half dreamt
made my nights last wish the
last acquisition
in this haze worthwhile
two warm lips
in a winters smile

Flow in this, to me, seems off...I like the idea behind this and the way its worded, it just needs a flow built onto it...

boldly i strolled
into the big red giant
and swiftly
became solely reliant
on my fingers as guide
in an old world unknown
as i brushed aside
thoughts of safety and home

Flow is disrupted on the fifth line...add 'a' before 'guide' should fix it up... Again I like the wording and the description...

i saw little of the time that followed
can't focus
pressed to the scent of tomorrow?
as things started to clear
i knew i'd be on my own
no blame for how i got here
just hoping
i could find my way home

Nice, well worded


At first I thought it was about running away from home for a chick, but you kind of cleared it up for me...

It was vague, yet well written

I liked it...
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!