#1
Chuckle, chuckle, laughter of
kiddies out on the green. Me
stuck in my bedroom, watch
reflecting light across the shade.
I flick my wrist rhythmically.
Time passes over me, around
me, back again. I stand straight;

my hand on hip. They're playing
football with shirts for posts, no
beads of sweat on those skinny frames.
All fun and games and no grit,
no dirt in the knee or bloody lip -
not how it used to be, with fights
on the stining tarmac and wrestling
on concrete floors in cold garages,
heads thudding on the deck, next to
someones Dads eight-seat cruiser.

The sun dies and the time dies with it,
over the houses on the far side.
I find my chair behind me with a flailing
arm and sit back down. I listen.
Small smutterings of goodbyes and
uneasy voices hastily planning tommorow.
Who's where and where's who, and
which street and what minute, hour.
Tea times and bed times.
That sort of thing.

I count the minutes, watch the clock -
Five to dissipate, five more to reach home,
where mums and dads filter the noise
into something meaningful, pride.

I stay put, hand cramped, inside.
#2
A very easy read, and I think most anyome can understand it if they look deep enough. The first verse I didn't really like. I hate the word reflecting. The "time passes over me" part feels like it didn't belong. Its almost as though you are giving away the piece, because thats what I got from this, time goes by quickly and you find yourself looking at different sections of the time you had already lived and wish to live again, if that makes sense. Second verse was perfect, loved it. Third verse I felt wrapped it up nicely, nothing really popped in there for me though. The last line needed the isolation, and that is your strong point deffinately, form and flow. Which this piece deffinately had. Very nice read. Comment on one of mine in the sig? Thanks.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#3
I thought the second stanza was the strongest. Really loved the flow. No crit on anything like that, other than shouldn't 'someones Dads' have apostrophes for possessives on both words? And I think a semi-colon would work more effectively before 'pride' but it's not a major flaw

This was a great read, flow excellent as yours usually is and I liked the topic.

Wouldn't care to rip my new piece would you? With your technical ability, I'd really appreciate your views/help, and although I know this wasn't much, I'll keep up with your pieces.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#4
You read nicely. I like your use of alliteration. Excellent stanza line break as well. I really loved that. this was full of small details I like. Technical details. Theme wise this was interesting but I couldn't connect 100%.


Do something outrageous.


I've written more prose.
#5
Quote by confusius

Do something outrageous.


+/-
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
Well, you honestly told me your feelings, so I'll return the favor.

This was predictable. Not in the way of "I saw it all coming" but in, when I opened this, I already knew exactly what I was going to read. It would be a jamie piece, with some quazi weird enjambment at times, flowery imagery (Well done, but definitely very prominent) and phrases like, "I listen." in it.

It certainly works, and if I hadn't read pretty much everything you've posted since I got here, I'd applaud it and move on. But, this looks like everything else you've ever posted. It reads smoothly, but its just like all the rest, but without a girl and in a slightly different setting. I wouldn't go on this rant, but Kyrl's comment brought it on... I'd really like to see you do something different. This style works for you... but just like anything it can go stale after a while of constant exposure. This was a fine piece... but I keep waiting for the day I open one of your pieces and get something other than an expected Jammy piece.

Who knows... I'm probably just being crazy... but I've been meaning to say this for a while and the time has never been right... so here it is; take it or leave it.
#7
Excellent rhythm. Just certain things like 'dirt in the knee' instead of 'dirty knee' really make it a splendid read.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#8
ok, i'm going to agree with everyone else concerning the rhythm; it was great.
however; i wasn't really a fan of the line breaks, man. most of them either ended with a verb, or adjective, and i always think a piece reads better with the lines ending on a noun, or some sort of solid object. idk, maybe it's just me; i'm being picky too, because i really liked the piece.

other than that, i really don't have anything to offer critique-wise at the moment; at least, anything that hasn't already been said.
this was pretty good stuff man.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.