#1
Pay no attention to me im just a man on his guitar
Playing his songs and dreaming of being a star
But this song is about more then just me
Its about all of you and this thing called society

And im just trying to figure it all out
Trying to find out what this crazy world is all about
And im just trying to make it through the days
Each day is a struggle to find my own way

I aint complaining, not saying ive had a hard life
I ve never felt so bad ive turned to the knife
Im just wondering why there s no one else like me
A lot of folks call me crazy, and my parents think im lazy

But im just trying to figure it all out
Trying to find out what this world is all about
And im just trying to make it through the days
Each day is a struggle to find my own way

Im sick of waking up to an alarm clock
Don t want to spend my life waiting to drop
Im sick and tired of writing songs nobody s gonna hear
Im sick of wondering why im the only one grinning from ear to ear

Im ****ing sick of so many damn things
Im sick of everything and all that it brings
So what s a man like me supposed to do in a world like this?
What does it take to find happiness and bliss?

So I guess ill just keep on trying to figure it all out
Trying to find out what this crazy world is all about
And im just trying to make it through the days
Each day is a struggle to find my own way

Trying to figure it all out
Trying to find out what this world is all about
And im just trying to make it through the days
Each day is a struggle to find my own way


* thinking about adding another verse in front of the " now im not complaing" verse

crit 4 crit
#4
It just sounds forced, as if you're trying harder to rhyme than you are to get a message across. It has loads of rhyming but a real lack of direction. Try to get it more focused and don't worry so much about the rhyming. Remember that it's not necessary to rhyme things.
mmmmmmhmmm

That's exactly what I've been trying to say.

Quote by munkymanmatt
brilliant
#5
Quote by Zarathoustra_
cheesy sorry


You're a douche


Quote by sublime4evr
Pay no attention to me im just a man on his guitar
Playing his songs and dreaming of being a star
But this song is about more then just me
Its about all of you and this thing called society

Nice start, good flow and the AABB rhyming felt effective. I'm not fond of the subject as a song...

And im just trying to figure it all out
Trying to find out what this crazy world is all about
And im just trying to make it through the days
Each day is a struggle to find my own way

I'm assuming this is the chorus...It's catchy, keep it as is

I aint complaining, not saying ive had a hard life
I ve never felt so bad ive turned to the knife
Im just wondering why there s no one else like me
A lot of folks call me crazy, and my parents think im lazy

Still keeping to AABB rhyme scheme, not a bad verse

But im just trying to figure it all out
Trying to find out what this world is all about
And im just trying to make it through the days
Each day is a struggle to find my own way

To me, this feels as if it's coming out too soon, maybe another verse before this would help out the effectiveness of it's repetition

Im sick of waking up to an alarm clock
Don t want to spend my life waiting to drop
Im sick and tired of writing songs nobody s gonna hear
Im sick of wondering why im the only one grinning from ear to ear

I've felt that way before, it's nice a verse and I like the rhyming of your first two lines....The repetition of 'I'm sick' also feels effective in this part...

Im ****ing sick of so many damn things
Im sick of everything and all that it brings
So what s a man like me supposed to do in a world like this?
What does it take to find happiness and bliss?

I think the 'I'm sick part can come out of this part here...the repetition is the last verse was good enough and then it seems to get old after a while...

So I guess ill just keep on trying to figure it all out
Trying to find out what this crazy world is all about
And im just trying to make it through the days
Each day is a struggle to find my own way

Trying to figure it all out
Trying to find out what this world is all about
And im just trying to make it through the days
Each day is a struggle to find my own way

I guess it's not a bad way to end it..

* thinking about adding another verse in front of the " now im not complaing" verse

crit 4 crit



Overall, it's not bad...Some parts of it felt like cliches...Like these parts
"Trying to find out what this crazy world is all about
And im just trying to make it through the days"

"What does it take to find happiness and bliss?"

And there was a part that felt like an original...

"Im sick of waking up to an alarm clock
Don t want to spend my life waiting to drop"

That was my favorite part....keep up the writing man
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#6
well I said in 1 word everything you said it's just saving internet space.

So for the long version

You don't have to rhyme it's sounds forced
Too many words tends to wash out the feelings (too long also)
topic is cliché
try using more complex vocabulary and try not to use words like : I, a, and, this, that and it too often those words are empty and break the flow.

I guess you're still young you'll get better with time keep practicing.
Last edited by Zarathoustra_ at Aug 24, 2008,