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#1
Not talking about the Evanescence song btw. Has anyone ever read this story? I stumbled across an article on this story on encyclopedia dramatica, and thought it was sufficiently lulzy to post on UG about.

It's basically the worst fanfiction ever written by a human(?) being ever. Think about what would happen if Harry Potter was written by a "Goffik" Hot Topic shopping 13 year old girl with HORRIBLE grammar.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2828044/1/My_Immortal

^the story itself. Chapters are short (only a little longer than this post), so just read it and prepare to laugh your ass off.

An excerpt (actually the entire first chapter):
Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major ****ing hottie. I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I’m also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I’m in the seventh year (I’m seventeen). I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

“Hey Ebony!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!

“What’s up Draco?” I asked.

“Nothing.” he said shyly.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.
ALWAYS

WANNA BE WITH YOU,
MAKE BELIEV
E WITH YOU,
AND L
IVE IN HARMONY, HARMONY,



OH, LOOVE!
#3
On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn’t put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert


Possibly the best thing ever.
ALWAYS

WANNA BE WITH YOU,
MAKE BELIEV
E WITH YOU,
AND L
IVE IN HARMONY, HARMONY,



OH, LOOVE!
#6
I read about the first half of that excerpt, felt sick and couldn't continue.
"I play guitar" - Me
#7
Worst thing is, this isn't a troll.

This crap goes on the something like 40 chapters,
Quote by Fassa Albrecht
You can't prove that people DON'T walk on water. turn water into wine etc.
#8
Oh god, I read to about Chapter 13 in this a little while ago. It's SO bad it's funny.
Quote by Trefellin
You know a music scene is fucked up when it becomes difficult to keep track of who killed who, who committed suicide and who alledgedly engaged in cannibalism.

LastFM
#11
the sheer existence of this may cause my eyeballs to fall out of my sockets... The grammar is wbad enough to make an english teacher slit their wrists to try and go back in nme to stop this from ever existing
R.I.P. Les Paul, 1915-2009

A man chooses, a slave obeys.
#12
I'm almost positive this is a joke, it's simply too terrible to be real.
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
#13


if this shit is real butter my ass and call me a motherfucking biscut
Quote by skvvisgaar
You have to paint it specifically alpine white? Damn, they are real colour-nazis in Berlin.
oh wait...

Quote by Eighteen4Ever
But I don't cum blood.
Unless by "cum blood" you mean "have white hair on my balls".
In which case,
yes, I do cum blood.
#14
There was a thread on this before I think. I read some of this about a year ago, and was astonished to find out that some people are very... VERY sad individuals...
ok, yeah. my name is silly because I signed up when I was 13.

BEDBUGS
#15
Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and then I slit both of my wrists. They got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume. I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. I was so ****ing depressed! I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings. I couldn’t ****ing believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it! They were sitting on their broomsticks.

“EW, YOU ****ING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!” I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it. Suddenly Vampire ran in.

“Abra Kedavra!” he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb. I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke. Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. “Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly…


Quote by Fassa Albrecht
You can't prove that people DON'T walk on water. turn water into wine etc.
#16
Quote by wizards?
...The only thing worse than fan fiction is when you put yourself in fan fiction.

Agreed. I used to actually read fanfiction and nothing annoyed me more than self inserts, ESPECIALLY when they were blatant Mary-Sues like this one.
ALWAYS

WANNA BE WITH YOU,
MAKE BELIEV
E WITH YOU,
AND L
IVE IN HARMONY, HARMONY,



OH, LOOVE!
#17
On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn’t put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.


...

Quote by Trefellin
You know a music scene is fucked up when it becomes difficult to keep track of who killed who, who committed suicide and who alledgedly engaged in cannibalism.

LastFM
#18
“What the ****ing hell?” I asked angrily.

“Ebony?” he asked.

“What?” I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore.

And then…………… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

“Oh! Oh! Oh! ” I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”

It was…………………………………………………….Dumbledore!




there are so many things wrong with this passage
Quote by skvvisgaar
You have to paint it specifically alpine white? Damn, they are real colour-nazis in Berlin.
oh wait...

Quote by Eighteen4Ever
But I don't cum blood.
Unless by "cum blood" you mean "have white hair on my balls".
In which case,
yes, I do cum blood.
#19
Quote by Crackity_Jones


if this shit is real butter my ass and call me a motherfucking biscut

turn around and pull em down, biscuit-boy.
ALWAYS

WANNA BE WITH YOU,
MAKE BELIEV
E WITH YOU,
AND L
IVE IN HARMONY, HARMONY,



OH, LOOVE!
#20
F*** OFF! THAT SOUNDS SO AWSOME! but not really sounds ****ty, but im gonna read that $h!+!
(arent emo kids retarded?)
#21
Quote by ebbbaaa
There's a series of videos on YouTube based off of that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y2LmXUL5EuU

That's the first one.

Wow. Idk why, but I really think I'd go insane if I watched anymore of that. I only watched the first two chapters, and it put me into kind of a trance. Probably from the computer voice.
#22


that's the author BTW.
ALWAYS

WANNA BE WITH YOU,
MAKE BELIEV
E WITH YOU,
AND L
IVE IN HARMONY, HARMONY,



OH, LOOVE!
#23
i have laughed out loud so many times in this thread it is ridiculous.
ahahaha wow they should make this into a motion picture.
i guarantee you she walks in on dumbledore and mcgonagall bangin and they have a three way.

if she explains what she's wearing in that video one more time i'm going to kill someone, probably the author.
Last edited by tona_107 at Aug 24, 2008,
#24
Quote by frottage
Wow. Idk why, but I really think I'd go insane if I watched anymore of that. I only watched the first two chapters, and it put me into kind of a trance. Probably from the computer voice.

It gets so much better after that, I mean I can't stop laughing now. I think I'm going to laugh all night from this.
#25
Wow, I just realized the character know as Vampire is actually Harry, and apparently he is hardcore gay for Draco.
ALWAYS

WANNA BE WITH YOU,
MAKE BELIEV
E WITH YOU,
AND L
IVE IN HARMONY, HARMONY,



OH, LOOVE!
#27
This is amazing, I love reading slash/fan fiction. I'm not entirely convinced that it's not a joke, albeit one that was taken pretty far.
#28
And then…………… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.


Go Veg.
#29
Quote by DeusExMachina90
This is amazing, I love reading slash/fan fiction. I'm not entirely convinced that it's not a joke, albeit one that was taken pretty far.

Dude, no one could write 44 chapters of this and not kill themselves if they were capable of functioning on a higher level than that.
ALWAYS

WANNA BE WITH YOU,
MAKE BELIEV
E WITH YOU,
AND L
IVE IN HARMONY, HARMONY,



OH, LOOVE!
#30
Quote by SG Man Forever


that's the author BTW.


Umm...

Is it bad that I think she's kinda hot?

Quote by Trefellin
You know a music scene is fucked up when it becomes difficult to keep track of who killed who, who committed suicide and who alledgedly engaged in cannibalism.

LastFM
#31
Priceless, simply priceless.

I don't know if that qualified as literature, or even writing, but I do know it was damn funny.
#32
Quote by metal4life592
Umm...

Is it bad that I think she's kinda hot?


How in the hell is she hot?
You stole my Overture
#33
Quote by metal4life592
Umm...

Is it bad that I think she's kinda hot?


Not hot, but do-able.
As long as she promised not to call me Draco.
ok, yeah. my name is silly because I signed up when I was 13.

BEDBUGS
#34
Quote by metal4life592
Umm...

Is it bad that I think she's kinda hot?




nah man 'sall good.
ALWAYS

WANNA BE WITH YOU,
MAKE BELIEV
E WITH YOU,
AND L
IVE IN HARMONY, HARMONY,



OH, LOOVE!
#36
AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!

HAHAHAHA omg, it took two other people to help her on her spelling, and it's still ****. This **** is gold. This **** is gold.

btw, this is just an embarassment to anything "goffik".. real goth's are much better than this.
I will soon perish from this lethal injection called love.
Last edited by sixwingmortal at Aug 25, 2008,
#37
Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and then I slit both of my wrists. They got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume. I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. I was so ****ing depressed! I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings. I couldn’t ****ing believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it! They were sitting on their broomsticks.

“EW, YOU ****ING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!” I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it. Suddenly Vampire ran in.

“Abra Kedavra!” he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb. I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke. Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. “Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly…

Hargrid ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk.

“What do you know, Hargrid? You’re just a little Hogwarts student!”

“I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT….” Hargirid paused angrily. “BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!”

“This cannot be.” Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore’s wand had shot him. “There must be other factors.”

“YOU DON’T HAVE ANY!” I yelled in madly.

Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly. “The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!”

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood.

“Why are you doing this?” Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook.

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint.

“BECAUSE…BECAUSE….” Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent.

“Because you’re goffic?” Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan.

“Because I LOVE HER!”


I'm not even sure what just happened.
ALWAYS

WANNA BE WITH YOU,
MAKE BELIEV
E WITH YOU,
AND L
IVE IN HARMONY, HARMONY,



OH, LOOVE!
#38
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”

It was…………………………………………………….Dumbledore!


I lol'd

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.


wut?
You stole my Overture
#40
Quote by BulletFrost
wut?


Even better, did you not read that she neglected to put on a nice pair of underpants?

Now I know of one more person I don't want to be in a room with on a hot summer's day.
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