#1
Just wrote my first song a week or so ago. Started writing this one when I finished it. Am not a stellar guitarist or vocalist by any measure, just trying to make something that sounds good! Critiques and suggestions on how to improve greatly appreciated and will C4C where I can.

One sad thing is I use a chord I don't even know the name of. I labeled it Dx but the fingering is XXX030, its a d minor with 2 fingers raised :p

Song can be found here for those interested: http://www.babulous.com/content.jhtml?resource_id=184704

Lyrics/Chords:

What a Devil I've Become


[Verse 1]
Dm
I have this nightmare
Dx
of waking up alone
Dm
solitude in cardboard box,
Dx
and blanket styrofoam


Dm
Go through the motions
Dx            
Shutter the windows
Dm
Go through the motions
Dx
Shutter the windows

<RIFF>

[Chorus]
F                     Am              C
Destiny shredding all illusion of mystery
      G                 F
And I don't know what I see
             Am           C
It's like an angel in the sun
            G          F    / 
But what a devil I've become 
        C         Em
What a devil I've become


[Verse 2]
Dm                          Dx
So I'm calmly crashing through
Dm                       Dx
This concordant chaos dream
Dm
I wish it was cryptic or that I was a skeptic
     Dx
Just blessed obscurity

Dm
Go through the motions
Dx            
locking the doors
Dm
Go through the motions
Dx
locking the doors


[CHORUS]
F                     Am              C
Destiny shredding all illusion of mystery
      G                 F
And I don't know what I see
             Am           C
It's like an angel in the sun
            G          F    / 
But What a devil I've become 
        C         Em
What a devil I've become


[Verse 3]
Dm
I have this vision Where this repetition
         Dx
Takes me right where I want to be
Dm
Far from these angels and far from these devils
   Dx
In blessed obscurity

Dm
Go through the motions
Dx
Shutter the windows
Dm
Go through the motions
Dx
Lockin the doors


[CHORUS]
F                     Am              C
Destiny shredding all illusion of mystery
      G                 F
And I don't know what I see
             Am           C
It's like an angel in the sun
            G          F    / 
But What a devil I've become 
        C         Em
What a devil I've become
        Dm         Dx
What a devil I've become

[RIFF]
My Gear
Epi Les Paul
Roland Microcube
Boss DS-1 pedal
Shure SM57
M-Audio Fasttrack
Last edited by Aitrus at Aug 25, 2008,
#4
Cool lyrics, I especially liked the whole "blessed obscurity" part. You know, I think sometimes we normal people don't realize how good we have it. Just look at the tabloids every day, it must be somewhat depressing to see your name slandered falsly (in most cases) each day.

I also like "go through the motions, shutter the window..." when it went to that line, I thought of actually shuttering, going through the motions.

Cool work, good job.
#6
yeah, man... great lyrics. really meaningful. it did sound the same the whole song so maybe like at the third verse you could transition to gain, not too much but enough to pick up the tempo. after that throw in a short meaningful solo that fits the mood. then go back into clean for the third chorus to reiterate the same mood you had in the beginning. idk, i just think that would really make this song kick major ass.....just a thought. btw thanks for the critique on boop-bops.
#7
great lyrics, good singing, great progression. its very basic but catchy, i really like the chorus. sometimes the rhythm will just stop or slow down, and the timing sounds off for a second. I would suggest adding soft drums, or some sense of timing so it sounds held together better. i love it, it sounds great.

crit please? there are a lot of comments on the incomplete version, but i haven't gotten like any for the finished version
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=940134


Saying the Red Hot Chili Peppers have no talent is like saying Guy Fawkes didn't have an epic mustache.
#8
At the beginning, I thought you were Anthony Kiedis, but you didn't sound like him for most of the rest of the song. I liked it, especially how the vocals didn't sound confident, really set a mood for the song. One thing that could make it better, though, is more instrument parts. Layer your guitars, add some sort of bass track, you know, fill those gaps, however you want to.

Crit? Mine's here: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=15989793#post15989793
#9
Thanks for the comments! Will crit all those that I haven't yet when I get home later. Actually enjoy listening to what other people are doing and trying to help out

Re: Sounding the same

I didn't include any sort of "bridge" even, so I agree that it sounds the same from start to finish and needs something else. Not sure how to add drums/bass since I don't own any instruments besides elec, acoustic guitars and an alto sax! Unless tambourine counts :p I'll see if flicking distortion on for a chorus, or playing some verses an octave up on the neck helps. Will see about a solo but all I can do atm is pentatonic stuff, so can be hard to get it to sound good.

Re: timing issues

I intentionally tried to make each verse timed a little differently with the guitar picking ... but I definitely need to figure out if this works or not and at least try to keep the picking consistent in each verse. I even notice this when I practice the song it can be tough to decide when to come in with the lyrics and how long I need to pick each chord. The little screwups are mostly just me being a weak guitar player, practice will presumably tighten that up.

Re: Lyrics

Not sure if it's better to say what it's about or leave it to the imagination, but when I wrote it the song was basically about old age and mediocrity, or not living up to expectations. The first "blessed obscurity" I had written as something like "craving uncertainty" but seemed like too many syllables and couldn't make it work... the idea though was wishing for an end (or destiny) that wasn't obvious or certain. The second time around (third verse) it's more about coming to grips with not being exceptional and actually relishing in the mediocrity (or claiming to).

Re: The mystery chord

Going to check it out but I think what I've labeled "Dx" is really an Em7 with only the higher notes picked/strummed (could also call it Dsus2sus4 apparently). Would open some doors if the Em7 works as an entire chord tho - and its easier to say than dsus2sus4 or g6 (no 3rd).

Re: transition from chorus to verse

Not sure if this is one of the "gaps" mentioned but I have some issues going from the Em at the end of the chorus to the Dm picked for the verse. Basically I can't make it smooth so I just stop playing for a second and setup for the Dm picking... not sure if there's a chord or riff I can find to go between them to smooth it out but will see!
My Gear
Epi Les Paul
Roland Microcube
Boss DS-1 pedal
Shure SM57
M-Audio Fasttrack
#10
i liked it , (your other song aswell) not my kind of music actually , but a good piece!

i don't know what to crit really , sorry , just liked it .

keep up the good work and thanks for the comment on my song!
english is not my native language