#1

Angry Sex


inside and out, through the
egg boiled, hard shell, back
alley glue,
everyone knows that through
thick and thin, I am better
than you.

My hands are large like Michelangelo,
my face is slim or to be sculpted like
Giovanni's and everything I do is primed
in shellac, nailed to a board and hung
in a hall, where every can mark on it
all that they want.
So, take a look at my face if you can
turn around
because this is what it
looks like, when I'm fucking
you in the ass.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
Last edited by Something_Vague at Aug 26, 2008,
#3
haha not gonna lie, i laughed out loud so hard when i saw the title i blew snot out my nose
#4
Am I surrounded by twelve year old kids? Yes, I jerked off onto a fly. Butt poop fuck fuck wiener donkey, lol, omgwtfbbq.

Go watch Hannah Montana get out of my thread.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#5
good ending. I can't say that I like the way the two strophes fit together, though.

It just seems...off.
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#6
As much as they are idiots, Matt... they do make a somewhat valid point.

What the hell were you talking about in the second part? Why did the fly matter? I'm not an idiot... I'm not a moron... I've read your other pieces and understood the obscure references/implications... But here, I can't make the jump. And its probably not entirely my fault. I fail to see how 1st and second connect. It reads like sex on a honey beach... but I don't get it. Unless you really were just going for getting distracted during sex; in which case I say... what's the point? Normally, you would say something deeper, or allow your words to talk on two levels, one on the surface and one on the characters within... but this is just sitting on the page to me, if you were going for something deeper.

And not that you particularly care for the system, but the two idiots will get a warning.
#7
Deep down we'd rather destroy something than make something.

He's having sex, a fly comes in the room, he stops having sex and crushes the fly, and now all he can see is the stain of blood the fly left on the wall. He no longer cares about the sex, just the mark of death he left.

God, it can't be that cryptic, I spell it out in the last lines. I just think everyone here has the deduction levels of a four year old.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#10
Quote by Something_Vague

God, it can't be that cryptic, I spell it out in the last lines. I just think everyone here has the deduction levels of a four year old.



I saw that image... I followed your shit. My thought was: what's your fucking point? Until you just said the idea was "we love to destroy something more than make something" I'd have never put that was what you were getting at. Until you said that, I had a lifeless image with no meaning. Like hanging a flag for a country that doesn't exist...

Accept it, sometimes its not the reader... its the fact that your chain of thought didn't come through in the piece... and that's what happened right here.
#11

Angry Sex


i bite down on my cheeks, when I try
to recognize the patience between
you and I. Sloppy mouth that tries
to talk, "me,oh, my." Someone keels
I didn't like the vagueness of "someone". For such precise details you're giving us here, it felt out of place. Even "one of us" would be better, I feel, just because it still keeps the image in the room, with the two of you.
over, and now I'm on top, nothing
lovelier now we, wait...
"we, wait", I know you like your punctuation, but I think a less stumbly flow would move into the second stanza smoother.

There's a fly in the room
on the wall;
without paint, it leaves a mark.
I can't remove the stain it
left, no matter how hard I scrub,
a wet wall where
guts were spilled to
quench my thirst for blood.
My only problem with this second stanza (which threw me first read, not so much after that) was that the action is hauntingly not apparent in the actual text here. There's a fly - no more, and I think that's what thre me. I lost myself in that, and that's why at first I never really felt the connection. On further reads, yes it comes through, you killed the fly. Mayb it's because we only know you killed it at the end of this stanza, and it gives it this really passive voice, one that knocked the meaning a little. Like, you draw the attention to the fly in the first line and all of a sudden it's gone, whether I feel if you were more active in the start of the stanza, ie. you squished the fly, it allows the reader that knowledge to then make a decent emotional connection at the end.


My shillings. I also very much enjoyed the twist you put on blood/guts, nice switch around of the cliche, and nice slant rhyme with that.
#12
If what we really love to do is destroy, sure there should be some relish in that? By saying 'without paint, it leaves a mark.' you've disassociated us from the destruction of the fly by only referring to the mark the fly leaves after you've crushed it. Surely the destruction of the fly should be at least as visceral as the sex?

I was far too caught up in the idea that there was a 'fly on the wall' to get that you'd killed the fly, originally... lol
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#13
Quote by ZanasCross
I saw that image... I followed your shit. My thought was: what's your fucking point? Until you just said the idea was "we love to destroy something more than make something" I'd have never put that was what you were getting at. Until you said that, I had a lifeless image with no meaning. Like hanging a flag for a country that doesn't exist...

Accept it, sometimes its not the reader... its the fact that your chain of thought didn't come through in the piece... and that's what happened right here.


With S_V, you can't read into what you think he means. You can't read it as if it's some black book. You read it, and he tricks you to look behind what he's saying, when it's really what he said.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#14
Quote by culex-knight
With S_V, you can't read into what you think he means. You can't read it as if it's some black book. You read it, and he tricks you to look behind what he's saying, when it's really what he said.


lol... as confusing as that was, I followed it.

And I know. What I'm saying is that this time, whether I looked deeper or just looked at the surface image... it still said nothing to me... it was still just an exercise in painting a scene, which he already knows he can do. Now that he's said it, I see he meant to say something with the scene... but he didn't... any way I look at it, I couldn't have picked out his message without an interpretation from himself.

I refuse to dismiss poor execution simply because he is a good writer, and thus gets more liberties... because he shouldn't. God knows he's a good writer, better than I ever care to be or will be... but that doesn't mean I'm not going to say when I think he missed on a piece.
#15
Quote by Something_Vague

God, it can't be that cryptic, I spell it out in the last lines. I just think everyone here has the deduction levels of a four year old.


Are you serious? I mean, really?
People think your piece is obtuse. Fix it, or don't, but for Oberst's sake, don't insult the reader. These are people who have taken time to try and give honest feedback in order to help you. They owe you nothing. If anything it's the other way around.

But c'mon. Get the **** over yourself.
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#16
No, I won't get over myself. Deal with it, punk. Take your self-righteousness somewhere it belongs, like Gotham City, don't come in my thread and insult me when I didn't ask anyone to come and "interpret" my poetry. I don't give two flying bullfucks if you don't think it means what I said it does, or that it didn't immediately strike you. Did you like it? No? Is it something I can actually change? No? then don't tell me about it, because I don't care.

"I didn't like how vague the second stanza was." Would have helped by anyone, but they seem to dance around the subject by offering bad interpretations. Which is funny, because that's what I did as a joke] to someone and I was given a public flogging for being a "meanie."

I've lost faith in this place, everything I post is on the spot, and I haven't saved or fixed a piece of poetry in over a year. The only reason I post these days is because I feel I have a moral obligation to, because if I don't people come to me and beg.

I enjoy being the villain sometimes, it gives everyone....a reason to post here too.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#17
Quote by Fly, Marlowe
Are you serious? I mean, really?
People think your piece is obtuse. Fix it, or don't, but for Oberst's sake, don't insult the reader. These are people who have taken time to try and give honest feedback in order to help you. They owe you nothing. If anything it's the other way around.

But c'mon. Get the **** over yourself.


Agreed.
If you're that convinced that everyone is dumb, and you're so deep and mighty and criticism is below you, why post? Find a host site or something. Get published. Obviously your ideas are obviously so advanced that they go over most people's heads.
The piece itself wasn't bad, you pretty much just killed it for me with your arrogance.
Not everyone understands your work. You're posting on a sub-forum on a guitar site for christ's sake.

edit:
thanks for giving me an example.

The only reason I post these days is because I feel I have a moral obligation to, because if I don't people come to me and beg.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
Last edited by Snowblind 911 at Aug 26, 2008,
#18
Blah blah blah, get over it blah blah blah.

do people not realize I've heard the same thing for the past four years? Pointing out my arrogance is like pointing out the horn on a god damn unicorn. I know already. Stop complaining if you don't like my personality, again you don't have to click on the thread, go read something by a bitch or a pussy. I am neither.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
Last edited by Something_Vague at Aug 26, 2008,
#19
I didn't ask anyone to come and "interpret" my poetry


You did by posting it.

Really, you're smarter than that.


/useless arguing.


you clearly don't want advice on anything, so I don't know why I even bother to read your pieces.
I'll make sure not to make the mistake again.
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#20
Really? I just edited it! I fixed everything that people were complaining about.

Also, I want everyone to notice that the only people that come and complain in my threads have been here for around or less than 1-2 years. It's just...you guys haven't gotten used to me yet! That's all, don't worry, someday we'll all be chums. Real good chums, I promise.

Until then you all can blow me.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#21
Michelangelo, Giovanni, "in the ass".

That came off to me as a pretentious worthless piece. I say this without really caring, though, you know. I miss the days where at one point you stopped replying to everyone who complained about how you were.

anyhow. I didn't like this at all. Too shallow.

Still reading you every now and then. take care.
#23
I don't like it now
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#24

Angry Sex


inside and out, through the
egg boiled, hard shell, back
alley glue,
everyone knows that through
thick and thin, I am better
than you.

My hands are large like Michelangelo,
my face is slim or to be sculpted like
Giovanni's and everything I do is primed
in shellac, nailed to a board and hung
in a hall, where every can mark on it
all that they want.
So, take a look at my face if you can
turn around
because this is what it
looks like, when I'm fucking
you in the ass.

so it may just be me. but it doesn't seem like you've edited it to say the same thing again. it seems like it's now for the people who have already posted in the thread. which would excuse the crudity of the last line. but as i say, i may be wrong. i would have liked to see you use something different then "i am better than you" though. it just seems a bit simple.
#25
"And yeah, I know he's a pretty good read
But God, who'd want to be
God, who'd want to be such an asshole? "

it was a pretty good read. thanks.
#26
Kids, he rewrote it to say 'fuck you' to everyone.
You're missing the point, methinks.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#27
Lol.

I don't think SV's writing would be nearly as charming if he wasn't such an arrogant asshole. He said it well when he called himself the villain of S&L. I mean he's not alone, there's a few other writers here who are too good, but also just giant dicks to most people (Jared and Randy come to mind), but I guess the place wouldn't be the same without them.

As for the piece, I thought the original was rather half-baked for someone of your caliber, SV, good ideas, but poorly executed. The 'rewrite' is actually better than your original piece.
#28
Quote by strat335
haha not gonna lie, i laughed out loud so hard when i saw the title i blew snot out my nose


Strat 335, look at how many posts you have! 335!!!!!!
Stage Rig

Fender Strat
Epi Les Paul
Taylor 110
Boss TU-2
Omega Amps Hot Rod Deluxe (Dumble mod)
Clean/Drive/More Drive footswitch
Mid boost/Preamp boost footswitch

myspace.com/rosscooperband
#29
Kids, he rewrote it to say '**** you' to everyone.
You're missing the point, methinks.

i got that but i spent so long reading it and the following posts, which initially made very little sense, i thought i may as well comment on it. i put the piece in as a quote in case it was changed again, because then my post would make no sense at all.
Last edited by AK. at Aug 26, 2008,
#30
way to make a statement, matt.

It's too bad a lot of actual poems don't get this kind of response.
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#31
Yeah it's too bad most of those "actual" poems, generally blow snot rockets. I mean I could go down the front page and there would be maybe one decent thing.

Get this kids, you're reading poetry on a website that's meant for people who listen to Megadeth, think the word 'emo" is a personal wardrobe choice, and would probably vote "Captain Falcon" in the next presidential election.

If you want constantly serious and amazing poetry, go the library. Accept the fact that there are going to be people, who frequent this place as a force of habit, and only post poetry when they're bored.

Like me.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#34
Is life treating you well, Matt? It's been awhile since i've shown myself around here. Most likely for the better. How's the writing on the site? I read your original piece before you changed it, and though I thought some of the wording was hokey the sentiment was honest.
#36
Quote by rg37
his butt must of hurt


Clever.

This is an interesting piece, to say the least. I wish I could've read the original, but oh well.
ADELOS
POP PUNK
for fans of...

Motion City Soundtrack, Get Up Kids, Jimmy Eat World, Transit, Brand New, Dashboard Confessional, Early November, Fall Out Boy, Jawbreaker, Polar Bear Club, The Story So Far, the Wonder Years, Something Corporate.