#1
Tell me what you think please:

Here goes...

I remember the way you held my hand
And promised me that nothing was bad
It would be OK
And now I've gone and I'm not there
You're with someone else and I just can't bear
God I wish I had stayed

I just want that sacred love back
And without it I begin to hack
At myself
I wake up everyday and I'm a mess
The picture in the mirror is so grotesque
No health.

So with you and him where does it leave me
I can't love again. I haven't been set free
I still love you.
The love you gave I couldn't compare
The love I gave I will never share
I still need you

I just want this sacred love back
And without it I begin to attack
Myself
You held my hand and held it tight
And gave me a reason to fight
You gave me health

Is there a reason for this love
Flying high like a turtle dove.
In my heart.
This may be our last time together
But the love we had will live forever
It will never part.

I can't have this sacred love back
What's the point at trying to attack
Myself
We could part a million miles
I'm always here on speed dial
In sickness and in health

So I'll say goodbye with a kiss and a smile
But tears will flood my heart in a while
You'll see
As much as I love you I cannot bear
The sickening thought that I'm not there
And we will never be

Your weary eyes just shut them tight
As I kiss your sacred soul...
Goodnight
Last edited by bauer094 at Aug 26, 2008,
#3
Yea it quite weird I always really depressive stuff when i happy. Or really comical stuff when i sad but still...

Glad you like

Any others...
#4
Just a warning dude, it's not a good thing to bump your own threads, it's in the rule section :]
But I like it, it's simple, like, one of those songs where you automatically know what it's about, but it's written cleanly and structured, so no complaints here :]
I just personally like stuff that makes me think more xp
#6
bumping is a big no no. everyone wants to get read. if nobody ever let their thread get past the first page there would be anarchy...

to be honest its a boring read.
you say the word "love" at least once in every verse (four times in one of them). its clear from the get go that its a love song. you dont need to keep saying it. its one of the most overused words in the history of lyrics and poetry.

also, theres no imagery whatsoever. nothing to capture the readers imagination.
all we can garnish from it is that a completely faceless guy was once in love with a completely faceless girl, but they arent any more, and the only other thing we know about the situation is that he is sad. it doesnt elicit any emotions in the reader whatsoever, which is arguably what writing is all about. why should someone be interested in your problematic lovelife when they may very well have their own to be worrying about?
imagery might sort that out.
something to take it above just being a list of things people have already read before.
if you arent too big on symbolism or metaphor, at least try some word play. Maybe some alliteration or some internal rhyming would make more interesting to read.

which brings me to my final point: rhyme shouldnt be a prison.
if you do choose to stick to a strict rhyme scheme, then never butcher the way a line reads to make it fit in, it just makes for forced rhymes.

lines like "You're with someone else and I just can't bear" dont work, because you had to omit the word "it" to make it rhyme, and now it just doesnt make sense.
lazy rhymes kill a piece stone dead. if something cant go in without being crowbarred, then leave it out.

peace out
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#7
The only thing I can say is to work on the vocabulary at certain parts, but I liked it a lot overall. It reads as if it would be a pretty intense song.
I'm the type of nigga that's built to last
If you fuck with me, I'll put my foot in your ass
See, I don't give a fuck cause I keep bailin
Yo, what the fuck are they yellin?!


GANGSTA, GANGSTA