#1
Another new one. Look at me go.


She's been cut from the cloth
of one life that's been littered
with insolence and second glances,
and another that's shadowed by
slack shoulders and
crackjaw antics.
Mother loves to put up borders,
father loves to grind his teeth.
Brother is always the exception
getting everything he needs.

In her neo-suburban fantasy
she's sold her own ashes
for better company, a tighter bind,
red shirts and a new place
to lose sleep.
By her third excuse
I'm counting my losses,
licking my wounds and
planning the next fix.

I guess that explains
how she can extend best wishes
and ignore my presence
both at the same time.
#2
i feel as if the use of "one" in the second line of S1, should be "a." it'd be ok if you hadn't used "another" in the description of the next character's life. i love the opening though.
crackjaw = win.
love love love the delve into the family's disorientation. good stuff man.

now, "neo-suburban," i believe, releases the piece from the reader's grasp for a second. i see what you're trying to do, but it disrupts the connection for a slight noticable second that is effectively detrimental to the opening of the first stanza. it kind of turns it into a..psycho-analysis that brings the piece a little over the reader's head, imo. i love the line following, though.

i don't really have much to add on the rest; it was a really good piece, a very enjoyable read.
i don't know if you're returning or not, but if you are: mine is here: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=942917

thanks,
-K.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Aug 25, 2008,
#3
I really enjoyed reading this piece and this part in particular:

"In her neo-suburban fantasy
she's sold her own ashes
for better company, a tighter bind,
red shirts and a new place
to lose sleep."

"a new place to lose sleep"...fantastic. I feel I still need to read this over a few times to get my head around the ideas, but on first glance, it seems great. I love the style and some of your expressions/phrases are very inventive. Great work.
If you get a chance to look at the second one in my sig, I'd appreciate it.
#4
This has a lot of solid imagery tucked neatly into a nice little "story" of life. Sold her own ashes, particularly stuck out as awesome.

This had an almost surreal feel to it... like a slow moving river... it just sort of drifted along, running its course as it should. What it was missing, to me at least, was some fireworks. There are no rapids in a babbling brook... and the rapids are what one always remembers when floating down a river. I hope that made sense.

I guess the main thing is that this was sort of flat. It was solid all the way through, but there were no peaks, there wasn't much emotion I could connect with. The characters seemed intangible due to the melancholy of the piece of the tone. I guess, this just felt like an exercise for you... not something you were invested in. And I could tell there was a lack of zeal in your words, at least the way I read it and understood it. I could be way off, and normally I would leave a disclaimed saying I'm probably crazy... but this time I think I'm right.

All that said, it was a solid exercise. Displayed your feel for rhythm and rhyme well... as well as your control of mood and language.

If you feel like it, Finger paints (Sig) could use a comment; if not, I'm sure I owed you from a while back anyawys.
#5
Zack said it, this felt flat like caffeien-free diet coke, open for two weeks.

It was all about the sentiment (apart from you're drifting off into needless, uninteresting exposition) and there was no zip to it. See, it was Stanza one, Stanza, two, concluding tag. That was it, and this was functional poetry at it's most obvious. The ideas never blended smoothly, never meshed together and there was no real consistent semantics or word choice going on, no idea carrying the piece from beginning to end. It was just statement, image, exposition, ambiguity, statement, ending. Nothing carried through, no emotion or idea or feeling, that gave it a big pay off. It just felt functional, the way it was written. Like, yeah, this'll do, I sound like I'm a good poet at the end, this will do.

Then, yet again, this is how I feel about me too.
#6
She's been cut from the cloth
of one life that's been littered
with insolence and second glances,

Damn, that's a whole lot of passive voice to start off a poem. I think it's good practice to get a strong active subject-verb pair set in the very beginning of a poem in order to ground the reader before the real development takes off. Passive voice makes it unnecessarily wordy and engenders ambiguity. Maybe rearrange these few lines for a stronger opening?


and another that's shadowed by
slack shoulders and
crackjaw antics.

Cool rhythm, but at this point I, as a reader, am having trouble with the lack of concrete detail in what you've given me so far. Just that neither of the two lives have been fleshed out in enough detail yet is buggin' me.

Mother loves to put up borders,
father loves to grind his teeth.
Brother is always the exception
getting everything he needs.

Okay, this part clarifies the characterization well. I still think the first part should be made less loopy and ambiguous, though.

In her neo-suburban fantasy
she's sold her own ashes
for better company, a tighter bind,
red shirts and a new place
to lose sleep.
By her third excuse
I'm counting my losses,
licking my wounds and
planning the next fix.

This is much better! I can really understand where you're going now, both in terms of the narrator and the subject. And suddenly it becomes really relate-able.

I guess that explains
how she can extend best wishes
and ignore my presence
both at the same time.

I'm not satisfied with this ending. There's nothing wrong with how it's written, but it just doesn't do as a closer. I don't know if bringing it so strongly into the narrator's perspective was a good call so late in the poem. Also, I don't like the "that" in the first line, because it isn't clear what it refers to.

Anyway, I think you should strongly consider reworking the first verse, and as for the end, I'd recommend letting it meander some more before bringing it to that abrupt an end. I really thought the core of it was great, though.