#1
The day begins again at dawn--
From midnight on, there is an absence;
We wait on yesterday to disperse.

I can feel it (in the body)
The heart a mirror rattling against a wall;
Pain laps the limbs in little jagged balls.
Tobacco tar seeps through into the arms, collects.
The inch-long gashes perambulate
(I wear them like Persian crowns.)

You touch like a flame to a wet leaf.
I curl and gasp and ache, with my entirety, for you.
Last edited by *Truly Ninja* at Aug 25, 2008,
#2
totally cool man
Quote by Dave_Mc
he'd probably think they suck since they don't tune down to drop Z, wear red caps and wear their baggy shorts round their knees...
#3
Well, since you asked for a reply in the community thread; and I always read your stuff I'll just say this:

The reason I never comment , even though I always read, is because there is something in your style and phrasings that strikes me wrong. I know you write well, I can tell it in your approach and what not... but for me, it just never hits home. It never strikes me in a way that makes me think, "wow." I know its just my personal taste, so I don't feel like I should constantly come in and barrage your threads with the same comments over and over.

This was similar, it was pleasant... but it was nothing that I will think about later... no idea why, it just doesn't strike me.

I do keep reading though, so its obviously not bad... I just never have anything to say.
#4
The day begins again at dawn--
From midnight on, there is an absence;
We wait on yesterday to disperse.

I can feel it (in the body)
The heart a mirror rattling against a wall;
Pain laps the limbs in little jagged balls.
Tobacco tar seeps through into the arms, collects.
The inch-long gashes perambulate
(I wear them like Persian crowns.) (why do you suddenly come back into your body here?)

You touch like a gas flame to a wet leaf.
I curl and gasp and ache, with my entirety, for you.

I don't have a lot to say, i liked it alright.

Just one thing, I don't particularly like that mixing of the constructed 'gas flame' and the natural 'wet leaf'. You make that line 'You touch like a gas flame to a wet leaf.' like it's the most natural thing in the world, but it wouldn't really happen. Though i understand why you went for gas flame.

EDIT: Oh, and, Iranian crowns*
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#5
Man, I just wrote a lengthy response to what you said and then I switched windows and somehow it got erased. I guess that what I was driving at was just that since I've stopped writing poems with the intent of being clever, I've kind of been lost at trying to find significance. So I just write these little slice-of-my-life things that don't amount to much, and I like them okay.


Basically I just wish I could achieve higher than just "pleasant" but sometimes I feel like I'm stuck with just pleasantries (though I did feel I really hit the mark with the last thing I posted here, not so much with this one.)

Would you at least be willing to cede that the second-to-last line is awesome? Because I really like it. Oh and I'm going out right now but I intend to hit u back later on tonight.
#6
Quote by *Truly Ninja*
Man, I just wrote a lengthy response to what you said and then I switched windows and somehow it got erased. I guess that what I was driving at was just that since I've stopped writing poems with the intent of being clever, I've kind of been lost at trying to find significance. So I just write these little slice-of-my-life things that don't amount to much, and I like them okay.


Basically I just wish I could achieve higher than just "pleasant" but sometimes I feel like I'm stuck with just pleasantries (though I did feel I really hit the mark with the last thing I posted here, not so much with this one.)

Would you at least be willing to cede that the second-to-last line is awesome? Because I really like it. Oh and I'm going out right now but I intend to hit u back later on tonight.



eek! *pulls collar*
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#7
I thought your last one was fantastic but I agree with you guys that this one was just nice. You write better than most people but this (and some others recently) wasn't very intense emotionally. Like a walk on a nice day without going very far. I can connect with this piece but still, I think you get what I mean.

But the second to last line is one of the best poetic ideas I've read here in a long time.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#8
My problem with the second to last line is the fact that its in this piece.

It is sort of a witty image, and in the right setting could be good; but here it just sticks out so badly that I can't tell if I like it or not.

BTW, I have no idea whether you were talking to me or meh!. Figured if we both responded your base would be covered.

Also, I didn't give you much... but a read and comment on Finger Paint would be appreciated.
#9
i think it could totally do without the first line. you say all you need about the entire idea of the first stanza beginning with "From" to "disperse." stating the obvious(the entire first line) before using an outstanding, almost philosophical, description of a fade into time just completely retracts its superiority before the reader even realizes it. what they do realize though, is: "do i really want to continue?"

tbh, i'd throw everything in the middle stanza out. without those random snippets, the first(minus the first line, making it a couplet) and the last couplet would stand alone as a magnificent creation.

but, that's just my two cents.
if you wouldn't mind, could you take a look at mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=942917
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Aug 26, 2008,
#10
Evan -

Some of this felt over-stuffy, unneccessary flubber. (read: opening stanza), that not only seemd superflous, but also worded in such a way that made the point you were making seem so obtuse. That first stanza, "the day begins at dawn again", ugh, followed by the whole dispersing yesterday thing, it just felt long-winded totally not you, when you usually produce these really clean-cut pieces, this was just really fatty. So I agree with Kent on this.

To be honest none of the piece really hit me much, not even the seond to last line, which for me was underwhelming, especially after reading your comments, lol. I didn't think it was awesome, just about nice, maybe. This whole thing was reading very forced, rather than some nice natural imagery.

Eh, I'm rambling. This was stuffy, flakey poetry at best, fine for your slice of life thing but I was unconvinced as a reader, especially knowing you are a better writer than this. It was lacking in every department for me.
#11
^this.
i'm in total agreement with Jamie on his much further elaboration.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#12
I actually really like this. I don't think you need the parentheses, and 'jagged balls' is a bit of a speed bump. I love all the images in the middle stanza though, don't you dare scrap it. 'you touch like a wet leaf (or leaf wet?) to a flame' sounds more naturally poetic to me, but it might change the meaning.

P.S. Any Mo-Fo that thinks a walk on a nice day can't be emotionally intense needs to grab a cookie and hit the Proust.
Agghh skeet, skeet, crit me, skeet, skeet!
#13
Quote by ZanasCross
My problem with the second to last line is the fact that its in this piece.

It is sort of a witty image, and in the right setting could be good; but here it just sticks out so badly that I can't tell if I like it or not.


I agree with this. that was a realy good line, but i didnt really like the rest of the poem. its not bad, but just okay. Maybe it just didnt hit a chord with me.