Eh, I can't say I liked your execution here, man.

I don't think you ever really got into this while writing. It was an in-the-moment thing that I think could do with some revision, and a bit more meat to it. This seems like the barebones ideas to a piece, sort of start of small and use this to build up a piece. Never really got into its stride, seemed to be trying too hard to be something when I think you should have let it develop itself a bit more.

It seemed like you had plenty more to say, here, to be honest. I think you cut yourself short.