#1
ok ug ill take any crit that you have and if any of you have any ideas for a chorus ill be happy to hear it


Im not scared to die
im just scared of whats behind your eyes
as i try not to fall behind
yet you leave me standing still
as just another good time

Im not scared of what i am
im more scared of what your becoming
as i try not to fall behind
as just another good time

I walk along these streets
turning heartaches into beats
my lonesome heart how it bleeds
as i leave another one behind
as just another good time
#2
Quote by dmiwshicldply
ok ug ill take any crit that you have and if any of you have any ideas for a chorus ill be happy to hear it


Im not scared to die <To me Death is a cliche>
im just scared of whats behind your eyes <I like>
as i try not to fall behind
yet you leave me standing still
as just another good time

Im not scared of what i am <Question: These two lines are weird with the subject being I >
im more scared of what your becoming <And here the subject is the other>
as i try not to fall behind <Suggestion: To you I will always be>
as just another good time <-as if taken ^>

I walk along these streets
turning heartaches into beats <This line needs some mending IMHO>
my lonesome heart how it bleeds
as i leave another one behind
as just another good time <I like the two lines you finish on>



Overall its good, I imagine it as a slower acoustic song. Thats how I read lyrics, Scimp through then imagine it being sung :P
^This post was probably sarcastic

GO LEAFS GO

Chief Executive Officer of Music Games of THE ULTIMATE-GUITAR GAMING FORCE
#3
thanks man, its not acoustic but during the verses its slow clean picking gets hard in the middle then settles down a little. but still harder than the first verse and it just gradually builds up. at least thats how i plan it now it might completely change once me and my guitarist work on it a little bit
#4
i dont get what you mean about the first two lines in the second verse though. care to clarify a little bit?
#5
Quote by dmiwshicldply
i dont get what you mean about the first two lines in the second verse though. care to clarify a little bit?


Im not scared of what i am
im more scared of what your becoming

I just thought it was weird and read it a few times and then figured it out.

The subject change. The first line says What I Am and the second says What Your Becoming it confused me. Im new to this I wouldent really trust my advice.

I would write

I was never scared of who you were
But who are becoming is terrifying.

Then again it messes up some of the repetition, but id say something along those lines.

Just remember your are not writing to make me happy, you are writting to make your self happy.
^This post was probably sarcastic

GO LEAFS GO

Chief Executive Officer of Music Games of THE ULTIMATE-GUITAR GAMING FORCE
#6
how about this

im not scared of who you were
im just scared of what your becoming


i think i like that better than what i originally wrote
#7
Quote by dmiwshicldply
how about this

im not scared of who you were
im just scared of what your becoming


i think i like that better than what i originally wrote


Yeah! if u want want to crit my work. Its called New Blues Song
^This post was probably sarcastic

GO LEAFS GO

Chief Executive Officer of Music Games of THE ULTIMATE-GUITAR GAMING FORCE
#8
man thanks for all the feedback on this song it really helped, sorry i wasnt of much use on yours.
#9
Hey, thanks for the crit on mine and taking the time to try to interpret the story further. I think there are some good lines on this, the best being the first couplet of verse three. Of all the things I do, writing choruses is the one I suck at most so I can't help you much there. I think the flow is pretty decent, but a lot of that hinges on the way those pre-chorus type lines are sung. I personally don't care for the switch at the end, changing it to 'i leave behind' instead of being left behind. A lot of writers on this board attempt an identical switch, but I don't quite get where it comes from- most popular songs do not attempt this, it doesn't provide that much pop and inverts the entire meaning on the last line. I dunno, sometimes it works, but not my cup of tea. But overall you definitely have some workable material.