#1
I wrote this about an hour ago and I wanted to see what everyone thinks of my metaphorz. It's kind of a cliche topic - getting over unpleasant past experiences by talking about them with someone you like who's been through the same thing - but I actually like it.

Standing in the quicksand
Of my own self pity
Sorting through the garbage
Of the people in this city
Standing naked right before you
Just to show you all the bruises
I still have from all the beatings
Of your words and your excuses

Walking on the beach
Of all I ever thought I wanted
Feet sifting through the sand
Of all the special things you'd promised
Standing naked right before her,
We compare the deepest injuries
We wrap them in fresh bandages
We heal with open sympathies


I will expand on it more and add a chorus later, and it will be a pop punk song.
I'm the type of nigga that's built to last
If you fuck with me, I'll put my foot in your ass
See, I don't give a fuck cause I keep bailin
Yo, what the fuck are they yellin?!


GANGSTA, GANGSTA
#2
i think this would be a cool acoustic song. ever thought of doing that? or are you pretty sure you want to put it to punk?
#4
Quote by Daniel Gonske
i think this would be a cool acoustic song. ever thought of doing that? or are you pretty sure you want to put it to punk?

My main focus is the pop punk band I'm in right now. But I have thought about that. Noted.


I'm on a roll. Wrote another few lines for it tonight:

The tainted light of day
Doesn't end with the twilight
Its smog carries over
In the morning with our hindsight.
Like the pain of a bad year
Never ceases in December
The lessons are f*cked up,
But they are ours to remember.


I am living, breathing proof that songwriting is something that gets better with practice.

Feedback?
I'm the type of nigga that's built to last
If you fuck with me, I'll put my foot in your ass
See, I don't give a fuck cause I keep bailin
Yo, what the fuck are they yellin?!


GANGSTA, GANGSTA
#5
I really like this. I think you could set it to a song ala holiday or whatsername. I dont really think that a simple punk pop riff and beat would really work, but what do i know? :p

anyway, keep it up. i personally think these are great lyrics!
#6
It seems pretty good, but to me the metaphors make you look like you're trying to hard. In a song it might not, though.
ADELOS
POP PUNK
for fans of...

Motion City Soundtrack, Get Up Kids, Jimmy Eat World, Transit, Brand New, Dashboard Confessional, Early November, Fall Out Boy, Jawbreaker, Polar Bear Club, The Story So Far, the Wonder Years, Something Corporate.
#8
Quote by bauer094
Tells a wonderful story with a deep meaning to it. Very gothic.

Could perhaps develop on your rhyming

Your development is much better



^
I'm not quite sure what you mean.

Glad you like it, though.

Quote by DiveRightIn63
It seems pretty good, but to me the metaphors make you look like you're trying to hard. In a song it might not, though.

You're the second person to tell me that. I'm not sure how to make it sound more natural, though.
I'm the type of nigga that's built to last
If you fuck with me, I'll put my foot in your ass
See, I don't give a fuck cause I keep bailin
Yo, what the fuck are they yellin?!


GANGSTA, GANGSTA
Last edited by JesusOfSbrbia at Aug 29, 2008,