#1
So yeah these are the first lyrics I've ever written, I'm trying to improve my writing skills because it looks like I'm gonna have to take the vocal spot in my new band. c4c


Bystander:
Is my disapproval blatant enough?
Maybe I should be more forward;
Let me be honest,
You are a joke told one too many times.

Show me where I'm wrong
Show me and I'll keep you around.
You're just a matter of time
Filling a void I wish I had.

Let's be honest with ourselves,
You're a thief and I'm a liar.
You steal time and I, the bystander,
Maybe more? I let it happen, maybe I help.

Show me where I'm wrong
Show me and I'll keep you around.
You're just a matter of time
Filling a void I wish I had.
Last edited by Say Ocean at Aug 26, 2008,
#2
Quote by Say Ocean
Is my disapproval blatant enough?
Maybe I should be more forward;
Let me be honest,
You are a joke told one too many times.

First line: Good opening. The second and third, however, seem to be saying the same thing twice. The fourth line is a great metaphor, but the stanza has no flow and you need to sort that out.

Show me where I'm wrong
Show me and I'll keep you around.
You're just a matter of time
Filling a void I wish I had.

The second line interrupts the rhythm. I suggest removing the second "Show me", unless it has some significance that I'm missing.

Let's be honest with ourselves,
You're a thief and I'm a liar.
You steal time and I, the bystander,
Maybe more? I let it happen, maybe I help.

Repetition of the "Let's be honest" - Not sure if it's really necessary, and I think you could find something with more substance to put in its place, but it ties the two together quite obviously, which is good.

The second line needs to be expressed better. You're just stating facts here. It weakens the metaphor. The last 2 lines are good, but flow-wise they're awkward.


Show me where I'm wrong
Show me and I'll keep you around.
You're just a matter of time
Filling a void I wish I had.

As before.


For a first-timer, this is very good, and you didn't fall into the trap of forcing rhymes all over the place like many beginners do. But you need to sort out the flow.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


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#4
Quote by break-me-in
For a first-timer, this is very good, and you didn't fall into the trap of forcing rhymes all over the place like many beginners do. But you need to sort out the flow.


Thanks man. It flows a lot better in the song than on paper, by how I phrase it and the weird timing of the song. I think I'm gonna reword some things you posted though.