#1
c4c.

Zooey, Colossus, and the Thousand Year Sentence
Her breathing was steady,
Though the air was heavy with
Words unspoken.
And the grass was stained
With a thousand ugly paints
Or shades of greens and grays
And browns, you notice such things
When you focus clearly on the ground.
Afraid to look up, in case I may swallow
And drown. Or stare, too long, through
That heavy, heavy air, uncleared.
Her golden hair, shines, unkept,
In sunlight, and a summer dress
She wept, silent, unseen, but unmistakable.
Trees must lose their golden leaves,
When summer flees and leaves
Only a sad sparkle in its wake.
The Fall is coming, and something must break.
I don't love you.
Last edited by NGD1313 at Aug 26, 2008,
#2
I loved this. At first I thought it didn't read well at all but suddenly it started to grow on me and I realized how all of the pauses fit in perfectly. I liked all of the rhyming except for leaves/leaves which stood out to me as awkward as soon as I read it. I really congratulate you because this is also one of the first pieces I've really connected with your writing at a personal level.


My only problem is that I feel that in some sections you over use punctuation. That heavy, heavy, air up to unmistakable. There seemed to be too many commas and full stops there. Especially the commas. Maybe it was something you searched to do that went over my head but I wasn't too keen on it.


Good job.
#3
I don't think there needs to be a comma after hair or before uncleared.

I think the half-rhyme of leaves/flees is enough, the repetition of leaves sticks out too much. A suitable replacement would make it work better.

I thought the rhyme at the end was far too obvious, although the way you presented it kind of bailed it out. Still wasn't 100% on it.

I think the a before summer dress should be a the.

Oh, and I think this was absolutely wonderful. I agree with Kyrl (mwahahaha names) on everything he said.

PS: I think this would be better if you edited the capitals on the line beginnings, make it look smoother.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!