#1
cigerette burnt back to the nib,
lung-full of a kiss,
breathed out for the full six seconds
it takes to judge a stranger;
if they're choked and ready for a blow,
come with a glass of gin and tonic,
a cracked up street kid high on his own sick
or a pack of nicorette and a plane ticket.


c4c.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#2
Quote by DigUpHerBones
cigerette burnt back to the nib,
lung-full of a kiss,

These first couple lines read awkwardly, I think you should add another syllable or two to the second line. Interesting imagery.


breathed out for the full six seconds
it takes to judge a stranger;
if they're choked and ready for a blow,

This was a very clever little set here, however I can't help but feel like you're sacrificing your flow to get across your clever little ideas. Though the third line does read nicely.

come with a glass of gin and tonic,
a cracked up street kid high on his own sick
or a pack of nicorette and a plane ticket.

I didn't take much away from this ending honestly, I like the pack of nicorette idea as a reach back to the cigarette lines earlier, but it doesn't do much for me other than that.



c4c.


Well, the writing felt sharp and edgy, very stylish, but I really didn't get much from it. It just feels unhatched. I like the idea of laying down the skeleton for a story and letting the reader fill in the rest, but I didn't get even an outline here, just felt like more a collection ideas without much cohesion. Maybe if you filled it out a little more to make the scenario a little clearer, I'd find it more worthwhile. Still a good effort though.
Last edited by NGD1313 at Aug 26, 2008,
#3



What did you expect?


Loved it, 'cept for the second to last line. brought out my disleksia a bit.
the rest, brilliant.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#4
breathed out for the full six seconds
it takes to judge a stranger;

That was brilliant. Everything else fell in the realm of mediocre word play and clever but undeveloped ideas. I didn't fully udnerstand most of it... because, simply put, there wasn't enough meat to justify all the potatoes.

Still a fun little read, just feels a bit undeveloped. Which is weird coming from you, wifey.
#5
Your tone, and delivery, were very nicely done. Really good voice you had here, which was nice compared to your last one (which I didn't rate very highly).

My only struggle here is that it seemed too much style-over substance, like, i don't know, this forced sort of grittiness that some do (heck, I had mine earlier in the year), it just felt forced on the exeuction. Like I said, the actual poetic voice here (use of elipses, some great sonics "cracked up street kid") were cool, but it did come off slightly forced in my opinion.
#6
Thankyou, yeah I don't know what's with me at the moment, I'm having things I really want to write about and buggering it up. I honestly just wanted it to be simple, digestible and only having the reader take away the idea of the last line. Eh. I might try to edit it, but I'll probably just move on and hope something flows some time soon.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
i enjoyed this. simple and short yet it felt loaded. very self-contained and conjured up many ideas outside of the words.

the second line "lung-full of a kiss" i think has one syllable too little/much. if you got rid of the "a", it would read better to me, but i guess that changes it a bit.

anyway, thank you for the pleasant read.
#8
cigerette burnt back to the nib,
lung-full of a kiss,
I think you take out that 'a' this line will read/flow a tiny bit better
breathed out for the full six seconds
it takes to judge a stranger;
if they're choked and ready for a blow,
Nice!
come with a glass of gin and tonic,
a cracked up street kid high on his own sick
or a pack of nicorette and a plane ticket.

I come away with a very definite image in my mind of the person telling the poem but not really with anything else? I think the last line is passing me by, though.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#9
A couple of good lines in there, but the ideas as a whole seem underdeveloped. There is great potential in this to fan it out and explain some aspects, perhaps in turn introducing new aspects.

if they're choked and ready for a blow,
come with a glass of gin and tonic,
a cracked up street kid high on his own sick
or a pack of nicorette and a plane ticket.


This doesn't make a great sense to me because of the if. When using if, there should be an or, which, I can plainly see, there is. What I don't really get is whether the statement after the or is in relation to the first line (of this extract) or to the line immediately preceding. If it's the former, it needs to be more obvious. If it's the latter, it should be the former.
#10
I guess I started writing this and liked the structure so confined myself to it too much, thus making the meaning... well... obviously un-obvious, which is strange because I really thought it was.

It's about someone kissing a stranger and trying to judge them through it, what they're like, what it'll lead to, but running over in their head what it could mean for the other person and realising, bugger, there is no non-mundane option, thus adding the idea of giving up the cigs (the cigs, which I wanted to use as a metaphor for the kind of club-kiss it is and thus their lifestyle) and running.

I'll try a re-write making that more obvious though eh.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#11
Remember, I and whoever else it was could easily just be obtuse


Easily.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#12
i agree with the sentiments on this being a little lacking in the topic department. if you're going to act all noirish and **** you should at least have a point instead of just doing it because it is hip or whatever. it would actually be interesting if you wrote like this and had a purpose.. but, all you can find here are poorly bridged images with no purpose.
#14
i almost agree with Jared, BUT, i don't believe it's taken to the extent he's expressed it.
i believe you had direction with this, just more along the lines of striving to find the cohesion you need for frictional ideas. loved the punchlines(pun, ha), and also the way it's so condensed.

in short, it just fills a tad empty. but i really enjoyed reading it.
thank you for the comment on my last.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
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