#1
women men girls boys
toys a thunder cannot shatter
laughed at rivers. cried in spring.
snowed their smiles sank their sing

boys girls women men
never laughed (of what or when)
how of who. what of where.
(we never stopped to share the air)

the ocean is the rain of age;
the time that eats up all the stars
i've grown to hate the telephone
(if all the world is small alone)

women men women men
why can't we cloud through sky again
all our children up grew strong
all my life (was not so long)

our weddings fall to mortgage bills
parks and picnics as to pills
those toys to tocks and ticks instead
ready.. ready... ready....: dead.
Last edited by skagitup at Sep 19, 2008,
#2
quirky, i like it
im imagining it as a biffy clyro style song cos the title reminds me of "toys.toys.toys.choke"
#3
the flow and rhythm of course, were exceptional.
i'm confuzzled though, on what i'd like to say for further elaboration, so i'll return. bearing gifts from the east, mind you.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#5
Yes.


I shall return.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#7
hello, Spiderman.

your homogenous-yodaesque-philosophical peoples'-poetic tongue will not be silenced, apparently. you generate an onslaught of politically incorrect perspectives in your writing, that perpetuate a gratuity no one in his right mind would shun.(not only with this piece, but with everything you've released recently)

that is all i have to say.

i'm lying.

keep writing like this; people who think like you can change things, Alex. i believe so, anyway.

that's all, now.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#8
i've grown to hate the telephone
(if all the world is small alone)

The rest was brilliant together, this was brilliant alone. Through the whole thing your unique and authoritative tone crashes together with your crazy imagination,
resulting in my agreement with Kent, a thousand times over.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#9
I liked for the most part.

women men women men
why can't we walk through life again
all our children grew up strong
(all my life was not so long)

and

boys girls women men
never laughed (or what our when)
how of who. what of where.
(we never stopped to share the air)


really did nothing for me at all. The second basically talked in a circle about nothing... it was ripe with clever and lacking in content. The first was the single most cliche stanza I've ever read from you. I've read it in a dozen other pieces on here... some of which were titled "10 reasons I hate my life and love fucking metal" I mean, you had a clever take on it... but no amount of stylistic approach is going to fix the middle lines of it.

The other stanza were quite impactful and borderline "touching." And Jamie is right about your tone of voice... its one of the few things that genuinely carries your pieces beyond good into the realm of exceptional... it comes from your voice and points of view.

All in all, this was ok to me. The parts where you lost your tone (the aforementioned stanzas) really stuck out to me and sort of ruined the piece. But the other parts brought it back to the point that I enjoyed it well enough.


I'd appreciate any comments (and a bump) you ahve on Finger Paint. If you don't get time, no worries.