#1
Maybe a first of two, we'll see. I wasn't sure where this was going at the start but now I'm fairly confident where it will end up.


Voxtrot

I tread the pavement usually
carefully - look forward step, to
step, with neat footing, strides,
the soles of my shoes landing
in between the gumstucks and
the spills of glass, booze, bums.
Pirouette across the roads with
a well-paced grace and timing,
always finding the low kerbs or
landing with a tuck finish at the
foot of the stairs. Always eyeing
up the routes ahead, the path
through the crowded streets,
roads, market squares, and alleys.
The odd stranger-stop for the time,
loose change, directions. I'm
quite selective about the proper
guidance; only let those faces
which are weathered with hard work
have my time, have the details,
men with bagged eyes, cross
brows and greying stubble,
women with children clinging to
their clothing, pushing at least
two more, if not their own then
a friends.

Speak carefully, selectively, each
word and phrase pre-picked well,
in advance; maybe a default saying
for the standard questions, predictive
text, a lie. Aline each slip of wit
with another, the images side by
side, a gallery, my exhibition. Dead
lines discarded each morning, as
instructed by the walkthrough,
slowly, carefully. A different dialect
maybe, for the elephunks and the
hobbyists, the late and the well-worn,
hunters and the hunted. A certain
softness for the ladies, rustiness for
the cabbies, Londoners. Louder, body
language for the internationals,
dramatics, theatrics.

Dance moves, like dance moves, tap
away in tune, tappa-tappa-tappa, a
keystroket ballet for the monocle,
thrust and pump for the bandana and
the hoodies. I strut on stage, flail,
flail harmlessly, self-correcting, each
step stepping over, the next, tripping.
Get the hang of it slowly, fall into
a funk or groove, throw in a slide, a
hiptwist or a flashdance, a kickspin.
Throwaway faults, hold my hand up
invitingly, find a partner, weave and
twine, laughter mixes with the music,
moving. Women with children, men with none,
nannies, lesbians, ex-lovers and lawyers,
Indians, Chinese, Thai, supermarket
managers. A menage a trois between
the landlord, the bailiff and the waitress,
an orgy with the vicar, the housewife,
a doctor and a mechanic. All flying,
ever-graceful, pirouetting across the streets
in front of cars stopping synchronised
in front of changing colours, tens of
hundreds of pairs of feet find their
footing and trying to find meaning in the
words.

And all before the morning,
before the day has even begun,

I smile, hand cramped into ugly claw
straining along the desktop,
I smile, as/is my work,
done.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Aug 26, 2008,
#2
Quote by Jammydude44
Maybe a first of two, we'll see. I wasn't sure where this was going at the start but now I'm fairly confident where it will end up.


Voxtrot

I tread the pavement usually
carefully - look forward step, to
step, with neat footing, strides,
the soles of my shoes landing
in between the gumstucks and
the spills of glass, booze, bums.
Pirouette across the roads with
a well-paced grace and timing,
always finding the low kerbs or
landing with a tuck finish at the
foot of the stairs.
the false grace here is nice
Always eyeing
up the routes ahead, the path
through the crowded streets,
roads, market squares, and alleys.
The odd stranger-stop for the time,
loose change, directions.
i liked this introduction for begging but felt that once the subject had been brought up it didn't work going back to the ruse as a purpose for stopping someone.
I'm
quite selective about the proper
guidance; only let those faces
which are weathered with hard work
have my time, have the details,
men with bagged eyes, cross
brows and greying stubble,
women with children clinging to
their clothing, pushing at least
two more, if not their own then
a friends.
i never really thought of them as calculating, but it's a nice view, it puts us forward as the prey which works well. also on a more personal note it makes me wonder as i always seemed to get stopped
Speak carefully, selectively, each
word and phrase pre-picked well,
in advance; maybe a default saying
for the standard questions, predictive
text, a lie.
didn't like "a lie" as the end to the sentence. i thought it was ended well with "predictive text" also it seems very negative to put the character across as lying when all the previous comments have been neutral or positive. i think it would be better put it across as an act of cunning, rather then one of deceit.
Aline each slip of wit
with another, the images side by
side, a gallery, my exhibition. Dead
not so sure about "dead", maybe something to do with being overused would work better, like fatigued lines? maybe?
lines discarded each morning, as
instructed by the walkthrough,
slowly, carefully. A different dialect
maybe, for the elephunks and the
hobbyists, the late and the well-worn,
hunters and the hunted. A certain
softness for the ladies, rustiness for
the cabbies, Londoners. Louder, body
language for the internationals,
dramatics, theatrics.
rustiness for the Londoners, no kidding there. this section was good. reminded me well of all the times i've been hit up. so you know you're doing something right.
Dance moves, like dance moves, tap
away in tune, tappa-tappa-tappa, a
keystroket ballet for the monocle,
thrust and pump for the bandana and
the hoodies. I strut on stage, flail,
flail harmlessly, self-correcting, each
step stepping over, the next, tripping.
Get the hang of it slowly, fall into
a funk or groove, throw in a slide, a
hiptwist or a flashdance, a kickspin.
Throwaway faults, hold my hand up
invitingly, find a partner, weave and
twine, laughter mixes with the music,
moving. Women with children, men with none,
nannies, lesbians, ex-lovers and lawyers,
Indians, Chinese, Thai, supermarket
managers.
thought "thai" hindered the flow
A menage a trois between
the landlord, the bailiff and the waitress,
an orgy with the vicar, the housewife,
a doctor and a mechanic. All flying,
ever-graceful, pirouetting across the streets
in front of cars stopping synchronised
in front of changing colours, tens of
hundreds of pairs of feet find their
footing and trying to find meaning in the
words.
this bit was the weakest for me. perhaps i'm missing something but i felt it would be better split into two parts, or perhaps the first half could be removed completely. but the rest of it's so tight so, as i say, i'm most likely missing something.
And all before the morning,
before the day has even begun,

I smile, hand cramped into ugly claw
scraping nails on the desktop,
I smile, as/is my work,
done.
nice end, i liked "smile" it was a nice choice. took me back to the thought of a predator.


i've read a few of your pieces but never really clicked with them. but i do with this one. initially when i saw it i thought, it's a long one, but it didn't drag at all. i thoroughly enjoyed reading it.
#3
I like the idea, it's astute.

'Pirouette across the roads with
a well-paced grace and timing,
always finding the low kerbs or'

Shouldn't really have an 'a' in there.

'A menage a trois between
the landlord, the bailiff and the waitress,
an orgy with the vicar, the housewife,
a doctor and a mechanic. All flying,
ever-graceful, pirouetting across the streets
in front of cars stopping synchronised
in front of changing colours, tens of
hundreds of pairs of feet find their
footing'

Was my favourite bit,

The tempo builds well, I just think that 'And all before the morning,
before the day has even begun,' should stay part of the same stanza as before and that your final paragraph, which I enjoyed (it feels exactly right when you read through it, you come to the end and you sort of go 'humph, i'm satisifed'), works even better right on its own.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
Last edited by meh! at Aug 26, 2008,
#4
my biggest complaint would be the fact that it doesn't seem to have any progression. it reads too much like a list, and even if that's what was intended, it just didn't sit well with me. i don't know if you could really fix that without defeating the purpose of the poem, but i didn't particularly like the drawn-out listy flow that it had.

the ideas, however, were good; they just might have been executed in a different way.

if you have the time, i got rid of a lot from my piece, and another glance would be nice.

I just want to sleep forever.