#1
Just something I've quickly written. I may work on it more if the feedback's positive.
C4C as always.


I want to be the king,
Could I be the queen;
The joker playing poker
and everything in between.

I wish to be a shining star,
And a rock on the ground;
A muddy puddle, floating bubble,
A comet crashing down.

I'd love to be the rain,
A storm for everlong;
A cave, a maze, a crested wave,
A ripple on a pond.

I yearn to be a teacher,
A poet under the tree;
A penned word, a spoken verb,
of such sincerity.

But most of all I'd like,
Just when the time is here;
To laugh and smile, and for a while,
to simply disappear.
Last edited by Hereforthebooze at Aug 27, 2008,
#2
That's cool
It flows really nicely, and you have a good choice of words there
We're just dancing
We're just hugging,singing, screaming, kissing, tugging
On the sleeve of how it used to be
#3
Quote by RockinRoses
That's cool
It flows really nicely, and you have a good choice of words there


+1

i have 2 songs posted right now (Not Now and Demolition Day) that u could crit if ya want

Pot
Kettle
Black
#6
Faultless. Simple, yet effective. It used lots of good techniques without becoming grandiloquent (an oddly ironic word). Loved it. This isn't a real crit, so don't feel dutybound, but if you feel like it:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=945016
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#7
I want to be the king,
Could I be the queen;
The joker playing poker
and everything in between.

really like the classical ness of the rhyme used here. it's very satisfying, and word-choice wise very cool

I wish to be a shining star,
And a rock on the ground;
A muddy puddle, floating bubble,
A comet crashing down.

continuing the classic good rhyme scheme, but i didn't much like the words on this stanz. they seemed too cliche poetry for me. shining stars, comets, - although i'm a huge fan of anything related to mud bubbles. however, i don't think a rock on the ground adds much to the life of this.

I'd love to be the rain,
A storm for everlong;
A cave, a maze, a crested wave,
A ripple on a pond.

i don't like everlong here, it screams out foo fighters. starting it off with i'd love to be the rain, i'm not sure of off the get go. but it makes you wonder where you'll go next. i, though, unfortunately, do not like the idea of me being a cave, or a bit of energy in the water. if i had to be an inanimate object, i would rather be a bullet that someone uses to kill themselves, or a headlight during a drunk driving accident, or 'fill in the blank's' bra of course, these things aren't part of nature like water is, but, just trying to illustrate my moment's point

I yearn to be a teacher,
A poet under the tree;
A penned word, a spoken verb,
of such sincerity.

more strong than weak, rhyme keeps it propped up upright, straight posture'd


But most of all I'd like,
Just when the time is here;
To laugh and smile, and for a while,
to simply disappear.

this was my favorite stanza along with the first one. strong start, strong finish.

great overall effort, especially with the rhyme scheme. ive found that when i 'stumble' upon a rhyme scheme (which is just me - i need to spend more time mimicking classical rhyme schemes for sure), the rhyme scheme stays in my head, and i get more and more comfortable with it, and then, comfort level achieved, i can add and edit and move stuff around and clip stuff and get more ideas and really get something going sometimes when i get over the first 'hump' of internalizing a particular rhyming pattern. seems like you got over that wonderfully. i would def recommend that you take this and just write, write, write, - the longer and more stanzas, the better. this is just a recommendation, and there is a huge difference obv betwixt saying sth and doing sth, but it would be so sweet to see 15 or 20 stanzas with this rhyming pattern. but it's also good how it is. nice work



hesitation nation linking this, as its long, but, ah..

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=945485