#1
Enjoy. C4C. I've edited this a lot. The first stanza is a little screwed up, I have yet to sort that out completely. But the rest is done. If you critted this before, feel free to do it again and I'll crit another piece of your work.

The door slammed shut before her
Before me, behind us
After the watershed
Drunk with scorn
As the sky turned to red
Pistols drawn
Doorbell staring backward
Cold and forlorn
Like January's Christmas cards
All ripped, all torn
The door slammed shut before me
Behind her, behind us

The pavement newspapers
Read like greek screenplays
Hiding the weeds and cracks
With unintended greys
Condensed (non-)whites and
Abject post-stamp blacks
I took it in my stride
Treading carelessly on them
Like trivial mirrors, ants

Lead planes and paper zeppelins
Fold out with painted wood too thin
That opens my vacant new world.
Bubblewrap recklessly unfurled
Reveals feckless diamond trinkets
If you knew no better you'd think it's
Simply rebranded glass
More fitting for this farce

Blackened cats eye me nervously
Looking squarely down their noses
For more quick bliss to snatch away
Recycle bins swallow love notes
Meaning nothing, demeaning me
More plainly than graffiti spray

Rain burns, rain strokes
Hail hurts, hail a taxi
New face, new route
Old way? No way.

Road signs turn to warning signs
But only after several crimes
Fucked, used, thrown away
Like a condom from yesterday
Not wine but milk is how this aged
And I read my bubblewrap cage
Danger
Fragile
Do not
Open
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
Last edited by break-me-in at Sep 5, 2008,
#2
I don't totally have an idea about what its about haha and you should work on the flow a bit, but I thought it was really original and well written. You used cool metaphors and word choice without it coming off sounding like you were trying to hard. Good stuff mang.

c4c? http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=944076&highlight=c4c%27
#4
Quote by reaper_x
Lol @ Condom Bit


Thanks for that helpful bit of insight, you fucking retard.

Say Ocean, thanks and I'll get to yours soon. I'm just off to have lunch first.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#5
I've read this a few times, and come back to it. It took me a while to get anything from it.

I liked the ideas you had, particularly in the second stanza.
This line(s) stood out to me:

"Recycle bins swallow love letters
Meaning nothing"


"Performing escape art from bear traps"
- seemed like a good line, but I can't help but get the feeling it's a case of style over substance...it probably went over my head though.

The door slammed shut before her
Before me, behind us
The pavement spoke of...


If the piece was what I think it meant, I think the way you handle the transition from the second line is a bit clumsy.

I thought the ending was very good though.
Apologies if this isn't helpful. It took me a while to get into it, but when it clicked, I enjoyed it alot. If you have time to look at the second one in my sig, i'd appreciate it. If not, no worries.
#6
Quote by sleep sickness
I thought the ending was very good though.
Apologies if this isn't helpful. It took me a while to get into it, but when it clicked, I enjoyed it alot. If you have time to look at the second one in my sig, i'd appreciate it. If not, no worries.


No it was very helpful, thanks. I'm currently going through different ways to rearrange it.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#7
this is a nauseatingly well-trodden path that you're walking. almost every simile/metaphor feels bland. "like ants", "like a condom from yesterday". the descriptions are correspondingly dull. "the door slammed", "black cats", "meaning nothing". it made me yawn. this just reads like a thousand other pieces i've read before, which is devoid of any flow and not trying anything (and that's what really hurts it). there is absolutely no artistic intention or passion here, which is what pulls this down from just a piece of boring writing to, really, something very tedious.

i hated the ending. it's extremely weak. the signs/crimes line, aside from being entirely predictable, didn't work because of the lack of flow elsewhere. you just kind of 'stumble' into the rhyme and it's very awkward to read. horrible.

"the pavement spoke of" is just a murderously poor attempt at trying to bring some kind of abstract flavour to a piece that's just crying out for something exciting to happen. writing about inanimate objects or the ground "speaking" is just textbook "interesting line" totter and it adds nothing here. reminds me of a line that dylan would write, look at on the page, shake his head and then crumple and throw in the bin.

rain burns/rain strokes/hail hurts/hail a taxi was mildly interesting. it was a speck of originality and i was really hoping for something after that (sadly you just relaxed back down into poor conformist "poetica") . "road signs turn to warning signs" is just urgh.

there were a couple of flourishes that perhaps suggest some degree or poetic colour, but aside from that this really wasn't very good either, sorry.
Last edited by skagitup at Aug 31, 2008,
#8


Well, I was owed a harsh crit. You do realise I already said it has fuck all flow though? I reeled this off in about 5 minutes, it wasn't very co-ordinated.

Anyone else care to weigh in?
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#9
i'm guessing this is a poem. i like the intro and the ending. clever choice of word.


anyway, thanks for the comment on my piece.

=)
Quote by ATM*
cool, two reports in one thread. You, sir, are a superstar.

*reported*

*again*


i'm a superstar
#10
Sorry, I can't be helpful. I believe you've got the crit you needed on this.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#11
sorry. completely forgot i hadn't returned the crit (thanks for that by the way) it's just past 1am so i'll edit it in tomorrow afternoon.
#12
Quote by AK.
sorry. completely forgot i hadn't returned the crit (thanks for that by the way) it's just past 1am so i'll edit it in tomorrow afternoon.


I've edited now, so...
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
Last edited by break-me-in at Sep 3, 2008,
#13
Quote by break-me-in


The door slammed shut before her
Before me, behind us
After the watershed
Doorbell staring backward
Forlorn

This Verse sets the scene but also mystery.

The pavement newspapers
Read like greek screenplays
Hiding the weeds and cracks
With unintended greys
Condensed (non-)whites and
Abject post-stamp blacks
I took it in my stride
Treading carelessly on them
Like trivial mirrors, ants

By now you get what happens i also like the line "Read like greek screen play" it flows really well with the line before.

Lead planes and paper zeppelins
Fold out with painted wood too thin
That opens my vacant new world.
Bubblewrap recklessly unfurled
Reveals feckless diamond trinkets
If you knew no better you'd think it's
Simply rebranded glass
More fitting for this farce

This Verse has lots of cool lines but it doesnt really flow aswell as the others.

Blackened cats eye me nervously
Looking squarely down their noses
For more quick bliss to snatch away
Recycle bins swallow love notes
Meaning nothing, demeaning me
More plainly than graffiti spray

"Recycle bins swallow love notes" i love this line its amazing.

Rain burns, rain strokes
Hail hurts, hail a taxi
New face, new route
Old way? No way.

I dont really get this line i presume it would be sung either quite fast or really slow

Road signs turn to warning signs
But only after several crimes
Fucked, used, thrown away
Like a condom from yesterday
Not wine but milk is how this aged
And I read my bubblewrap cage
Danger
Fragile
Do not open

This Verse finnishes the song off well but i would mabey miss out the last 3 lines as they kinda stand out and dont have mutch flow.


I quite liked this song it leaves a cool picture in your head.

Crit mine now ?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=16103197#post16103197
C4C
Latest song: Fading Silhouettes


Quote by goest
You raped someone with a knife, didn't you?
#14
Quote by Mr Maggot
I quite liked this song it leaves a cool picture in your head.

Crit mine now ?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=16103197#post16103197


Have done now.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#15
Quote by break-me-in
Enjoy. C4C. I've edited this a lot. The first stanza is a little screwed up, I have yet to sort that out completely. But the rest is done. If you critted this before, feel free to do it again and I'll crit another piece of your work.

The door slammed shut before her
Before me, behind us
After the watershed
Doorbell staring backward
Forlorn

Yeah this is quite uh, weird. very different in terms of flow from the rest of it. It's also very fragmented, I don't really get a firm understanding of the scene.

The pavement newspapers
Read like greek screenplays
Hiding the weeds and cracks
With unintended greys
Condensed (non-)whites and
Abject post-stamp blacks
I took it in my stride
Treading carelessly on them
Like trivial mirrors, ants

This flows gorgeously, especially the first few lines. I love it, don't change a thing.

Lead planes and paper zeppelins
Fold out with painted wood too thin
That opens my vacant new world.
Bubblewrap recklessly unfurled
Reveals feckless diamond trinkets
If you knew no better you'd think it's
Simply rebranded glass
More fitting for this farce

I don't know what feckless means, but it does sound good with the reckless line before it. The rhyme scheme has really changed here, but they all seem to fit pretty well.

Blackened cats eye me nervously
Looking squarely down their noses
For more quick bliss to snatch away
Recycle bins swallow love notes
Meaning nothing, demeaning me
More plainly than graffiti spray

Rain burns, rain strokes
Hail hurts, hail a taxi
New face, new route
Old way? No way.


Road signs turn to warning signs
But only after several crimes
Fucked, used, thrown away
Like a condom from yesterday
Not wine but milk is how this aged
And I read my bubblewrap cage
Danger
Fragile
Do not
Open

Great stuff in here, dirty but clever. The milk also works very well, and you've conveyed your meaning without coming out and saying.


Overall I really enjoyed it, especially the ending and the second stanza. It's very creative and you've got some good imagery in here.

Thanks for the comments.
#17
Quote by ZanasCross
I owe you one, but alex covered everything I would say i think. MY main problem that it just seemed to get lost in its own poeticism, I dunno... PM me a link to your next one and I'll get to you for sure.


Ok, I'm not really aware of everyone's names in this forum, but if Alex is skagitup, you're looking at a heavily edited version, completely different from the one he critted. And yeah, I can see what you mean, but skagitup's crit seemed to mainly focus on the over-simplicity, so I've gone in the other direction a bit, and it seems I can only do "short and sweet" or "word-heavy".

Anyway, that's nice of you to offer to crit my next thing, but there's one I submitted around the same time as this which got very little feedback (since I was focused more on this one):
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=946724

Still, I'm not too bothered with that one, so don't feel you have to.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
Last edited by break-me-in at Sep 4, 2008,
#19
Quote by break-me-in
Enjoy. C4C. I've edited this a lot. The first stanza is a little screwed up, I have yet to sort that out completely. But the rest is done. If you critted this before, feel free to do it again and I'll crit another piece of your work.

The door slammed shut before her
Before me, behind us
After the watershed
Drunk with scorn
As the sky turned to red
Pistols drawn
Doorbell staring backward
Cold and forlorn
Like January Christmas cards
All ripped, all torn
The door slammed shut before me
Behind her, behind us
this is a nice opening, i like the repetition of the first two lines but i dont like the set rhyming structure, i think it could do with out the cold and forlorn line, that would break it up a bit. also did you consider January's christmas cards. i think making it possessive adds a bit of extra feeling.

The pavement newspapers
Read like greek screenplays
Hiding the weeds and cracks
With unintended greys
Condensed (non-)whites and
Abject post-stamp blacks
I took it in my stride
Treading carelessly on them
Like trivial mirrors, ants
i like how you've dropped the rhyming, it makes for a nice change of pace. i thought this was all good apart from trivial mirrors. that didn't seem to fit, and maybe lose the and after non whites...?

Lead planes and paper zeppelins
Fold out with painted wood too thin
That opens my vacant new world.
Bubblewrap recklessly unfurled
Reveals feckless diamond trinkets
If you knew no better you'd think it's
Simply rebranded glass
More fitting for this farce
the idea of recklessly unfurling bubble wrap is a nice mental picture. the rhyme at the end seems very out of place though, and quite unnecessary.

Blackened cats eye me nervously
Looking squarely down their noses
For more quick bliss to snatch away
Recycle bins swallow love notes
Meaning nothing, demeaning me
More plainly than graffiti spray
this was all spot on

Rain burns, rain strokes
Hail hurts, hail a taxi
New face, new route
Old way? No way.
this is interesting, old way? no way is a bit off... i dunno why, maybe its the switch in which word is repeated. it just doesn't work for me.

Road signs turn to warning signs
But only after several crimes
Fucked, used, thrown away
Like a condom from yesterday
Not wine but milk is how this aged
And I read my bubblewrap cage
Danger
Fragile
Do not
Open
i'm not sure about the AABBCC rhyming, as it's not employed elsewhere it makes this seem simple. how about...

Road signs turn to warning signs
But only after several crimes
Like a condom from yesterday
Not wine but milk is how this aged
Fucked, used, thrown away
And I read my bubblewrap cage

....?




sorry it took me so long to crit this, i had to unexpectedly go into hospital for a few days. from what i can remember of the original this is a huge improvement.
Last edited by AK. at Sep 5, 2008,
#20
Quote by AK.
sorry it took me so long to crit this, i had to unexpectedly go into hospital for a few days. from what i can remember of the original this is a huge improvement.


Don't worry, it's fine.

And I think I should explain the rhyme scheme.

1st stanza: ABAB (except the first and last bits)
2nd & 4th stanzas: ABCDEC (although the end of 2 doesn't properly rhyme, but it flows the same way and has a similar sound)
3rd & 6th stanzas: AABBCC
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT