#1
_________________
Mineral Water

I live near the Ochil Hills,
near the Highland Spring
Ben Cleuch is a smooth-backed drowned whale,
but there's too much purity in the underground well
for a creature of the sea

Like great fence-posts
driven into the mountainside,
Cardboard cut-out factories are
Sentries against me and centuries of
horizon are missing

That vast underground well
Sealed in plastic; transparent
and sturdy. Its ribs bottle
you and me

They draw the mountain’s blood there
Leeches and pricks there.
The water is still, there are no waves there
Everything is rhytidectomy tight

Kept free of dirt and human paste
no chemicals and no Ricin
It’s the best bottled-water there is
Pulled and Lifted from its vault then
Tucked into clean containers

I live near the Ochil Hills
Near the Highland Spring
a tumult of priorities are
shaking hand-over-fist and missing:
Not pissing in the water
isn’t what makes it pure
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Last edited by meh! at Sep 2, 2008,
#2
i owe you one.
i shall return to this.

EDIT: basically i've been going over this for awhile, because something's been bothering me about it. it all sounds...way too "mechanical-esque?" for it's own good. the idea is great, i just think you presented it in away that more or less sounds like a college professor, professing his feelings on the matter vicariously through a lecture for class. i just wish it could be down to earth.
condense these thoughts to the most simplistic elements you can materialize on paper. then build them from there, reading aloud to yourself as your own audience.

i didn't feel a "full crit" necessary for this, because it was written very well; which shows your capability as a writer.
it just doesn't show your capability, if you know what i mean.

and sorry it took me so long to get to this.
- Kent
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Aug 29, 2008,
#3
I don't know what to make of all the capitalization in the first stanza, it seems cluttered and makes me want to jump over it - especially the T M. And it might be helpful to have a comma between Ben Cleuch and its description (or what I believe is the description). Aside from that my only other gripe is the word 'rhytidectomy'. Has no rhythmic or visual properties whatsoever that would make it appealing to read.

I've never seen Ben Cleuch before, so of course I called up my old friend Google and asked about it. Seems like a very beautiful place, and this was like exploring new territory while reading this. I'm not crazy about some of the line breaks, but that's easy enough to get past (would be easier if many lines weren't capitalized though). Thanks for the crit on mine, I enjoyed this one.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#4
I see exactly what you mean Ottavist, reading it through the lense of what you said it seems very clinical. (Except for the last verse, angry, don't you think?) but yeah, you're right. I think I got so caught up in try to get what I was saying across that i forget to get what I was feeling across.

Billy, thanks for the technical points I'm terrible with that stuff. I'll try and fix it so it's easier/better to read. The T M is supposed to come out as 'tm' (registered trademark?) but I don't know how to write that on a computer... (because it's Highland Spring, the mineral water company) and Highland Spring is capitalised because it's a company, the rest is just bad writing. Comma inserted and i'll look about fixing the capitals and line breaks too my satisfaction.

Thanks a lot
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Last edited by meh! at Aug 29, 2008,
#5
Quote by meh!
amma big boy!

_________________
Mineral Water

I live near the Ochil Hills,
near the Highland Spring
Ben Cleuch, a smooth-backed drowned whale.
There's too much purity in this shale
for a creature of the sea
ok not bad, but is it actually made of shale? i don't know. it just seems odd to get a hill out of mudstone.

Like great fence-posts
driven into the mountainside,
Cardboard cut-out factories are
Sentries against me and centuries of
horizon is missing
the last part read very awkwardly. i'd think it would work better without the "is missing". i liked the idea of factory sentries, i can picture them silhouetted looking down on you. that was nice.

That vast underground well
Sealed in plastic; transparent
and sturdy. Its ribs bottle
you and me
this is where you lost me. it's so un-emotive, and how does it's ribs bottle me? i just didn't get it.

They draw the mountain’s blood there
Leeches and pricks there.
The water is still, there are no waves there
Everything is rhytidectomy tight
didn't think the repetition of "there" worked. and billyjson was right when he said rhytidectomy doesn't add anything.

Kept free of dirt and human paste
no chemicals and no Ricin
It’s the best bottled-water there is
Pulled and Lifted from its vault then
Tucked into clean containers
human paste? Ricin? Tucked into clean containers? none of that worked for me, and i think some of the wording is a bit simple. also as you've already established the waters pure, and that it's bottled for the masses, so i dont think this adds anything.

I live near the Ochil Hills
Near the Highland Spring
a tumult of priorities are
shaking hand-over-fist and missing:
Not pissing in the water
isn’t what makes it pure
i liked the last two lines, the anger was refreshing.


i thought it started well but then went off track and repeated itself a bit. and i really like the imagery with the factories.

i hope that something in the blue is of use to you.

AK.
#6
'this is where you lost me. it's so un-emotive, and how does it's ribs bottle me? i just didn't get it.'

We're as much trapped in a society that values bottled water as water is in a bottle (I think i have been being WAY too esoteric as the 'highland spring' water bottles are ribbed and I doubt anyone out of Britian will see Highland spring water much.). (I also was thinking about the way we value things during the poem: we don't value things we value lack of things. We want standardised beauty, art, homes etc it's bland and it's dull it has no character because it's synthesised from everything else and constructed by boring people with boring standards and if we don't these things we have to have them anyway

Human paste and ricin is just that... it's so funny that something is valued simply because we've not filled it with nasty chemicals and poisons and such. 'human paste and ricin' . And the 'pulled...lifted...tucked' were references to our ideas of beauty which i mentioned earlier. Plastic surgery, the greatest blow to natural beauty since make-up.


Anyway, I obviously haven't written it well enough for that to come across, but your comments were very helpful. i'll be editing this continuously anyway.
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Last edited by meh! at Aug 29, 2008,
#7
We're as much trapped in a society that values bottled water as water is in a bottle (I think i have been being WAY too esoteric as the 'highland spring' water bottles are ribbed and I doubt anyone out of Britian will see Highland spring water much.)


ah, yeah that makes sense now. also i live in england so i know what the bottles look like. funny enough i'm actually not that much of a fan of the water.
i could see where you were going with the lack of chemicals vibe, i just thought your choices were odd.
#8
yeh i'm not trying to defend it, just explain it so you see I wasn't just, you know, going mental at some paper, lol.
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#9
just wanted to let you know that i really, really like this.

second stanza is beautiful.