#1
stonehenge lowly.

carved names on the sidewalk
hopscotch, teeter-tot
children keep the days the same
like a broken pocketwatch.
and this is the city of Hurricane.
where it rains on occasion
and the planes fly low
and the neighbors stay for dinner
and the gangs say hello.
"hello."

sometimes i stray a tad further
than the end of the block
past the welcome signs
the street lights, city hall
and the old Chinese resturaunt
the liquor stores and pawn shops
and

stop.

i'm afraid.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Aug 27, 2008,
#2
I'm not catching that title? But that's me being obtuse not it being poor-quality.

'sometimes i stray a tad further
than end of the block'

if the lack of a 'the' after than is purposeful, i like it. In case it's an accident i'll just point it out.

I liked it, again, I just feel like you should expand the second part. The first part is solid (though that seemed to be what it was 'solid' it got the job done but didn't excite me. We seem to get the point of the 1st stanza half way through and then it just...goes on for a bit longer)) and the second part is good as well, I think the items you list's progression is nice. But at the end i just feel like I wanted more from it. Too short? maybe, but how much longer could it feasibly be? I don't know :/ The ending's obviously purposefully abrupt, and when I look back it's good, but when i first hit it it's unsettling, so I suppose that's really a good thing now that i've typed all this rubbish out, lol.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
Last edited by meh! at Aug 27, 2008,
#3
Quote by ottoavist
stonehenge lowly.

carved names on the sidewalk
hopscotch, teeter-tot
children keep the days the same
"teeter-tot children" as a phrase works fine, but if you were going for teeter-tot as a verb then watch the punctuationa t the end of L2. "keep the days the same" is okay but kind of dull.
like a broken pocketwatch.
Eh, my only proble is it's not exactly a contemporary image. Pokcetwatches aren't all that popular, why not wristwatch/watch/clock, I know it doesn't have the cool flow of pocket watch but really, no-one uses ap ocketwatch nowadays, it's like calling it a chronometre.
and this is the city of Hurricane.
This, or "and this, the city of the hurricane" maybe gives it a slightly more epically cool feel. Sort of has a much more natural, conversational tone, like you were saying it in your head, which I thought was cool. I do feel you really need a comma here to link this line with the next few, it will just flow so much better in my opinion.
where it rains on occasion
and the planes fly low
and the neighbors stay for dinner
eh, these two lines here felt unnecesary. It doesn't really add anything to the ending, these are filler liens that, when discarded, don't change the sentiment at all. Could be cut, in such a short piece.
and the gangs say hello.
"hello."
This was anitclimatic. Dull, even. unthreatening, when I think really something haunting would be good to lead into the second stanza much better, and give the ending a more chilling feeling, too. This is way too pleasant for what's coming up. Ugly stanza break imo as it is.

sometimes i stray a tad further
than end of the block
past the welcome signs
the street lights, city hall
and the old Chinese resturaunt
the liquor stores and pawn shops
and
Needs a comme or two more. Block definitely, signs/the street reads badly, without decent guidance. Great rhyming, such subtly in block/restaraunt/shop. "tad further" was good word choice, shows a strain to this very nicely. "old" doesn't need to be in there imo and hinders the flow. My kind of stanza break too, here, very cool.

stop.

I always use that sort of break just for the added effect, it works nicely here. Rarely ruins the flow, too, especially if you rhyme it. Good awareness.

i'm afraid.
Like I said, maybe ab it more chilling stuff in the opening stanza, maybe even make the second stanza that bit darker (forget "welcome signs", lets have something darker to really force this ending to have emotion and feeling in it. REally force the fear on the reader, in fact looking back, I don't care about pawn shops, welcome signs when it comes to this final feeling. I would have liked it to be the rough stuff, the nitty gritty, the danger, the alleys, te gutters, the shadowy corners, the spots under the streetlights, the rooftops, the kerbcrawlers, the kebaby that's really a brothel, the dope dealer who's really an arms dealer, but also sells dope.... it would just give this ending that but more of a spine tingling feeling. Obviously be more sutble than I was, but I just feel you were to lighthearted earlier on too really create a great impact for the word "afraid".


So, yeah. Cool.



#4
JAMIE THAT WAS COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE.
YOU'RE BANNED. NO EXCEPTION.
THERE'S JUST NO CALL FOR ACTUALLY GIVING A DECENT CRIT. /other retarded forums.
cwatididthar?

infinite thanks to the both of you two.
and actually, meh!(name?), you're right; there was supposed to be a "the" in that spot.

EDIT: my name is Kent.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Aug 27, 2008,
#5
Stuart, your self?
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#6
I thought I loved the title at first, but then I realized it was lowly not slowly. At that point I just couldn't dig the real one, because 'stonehenge slowly.' would be such an awesome title (disregarding any actual meaning). Just mentioning this for your consideration.

As for the rest though, it had a cool Cheers-esque vibe, but the "afraid of change" idea has been used up. I think with the amount of attention that particular subject has gotten, it would take one hell of a piece to really be anything more than alright, and frankly, this just isn't more than alright. I believe that is mainly because it doesn't contain the same great imagery that's usually in your other pieces. It feels homey - like a walk around your side of town - but 'where everybody knows your name' is just not exciting anymore.

I hate being all negative on this one, but I suppose that's what I'm here for right?
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#7
eh, Stuart's crit appeared to be pretty spot on.

blackdotted, though. i'm determined to come and give you something to think about, otto.