#1
Jamie, you're on my critlist.


Silent prayers filter through the walls
but they address me by name less and less.
Down there, billions are ignoring me, disbelieving,
and somewhere else they speak to others.
People swimming in drugs and killing themselves
over love and lust and I can’t. I created them
yet I can’t die with them. I’ve made a mess here.

Celebrations of death and mournings of love
invade me. Other Gods receive more and more
and I get less and less. I created the rock so great
I could not lift it, but can I destroy myself?
Can I make myself disappear because
you don’t believe I am here?

I hang my head in shame each day
for what I’ve created. I can’t get to sleep
at night because the prayers encapture
the Sandman in their nets. Angels surround
me and attempt to enrapture me, but I made them
not for me, I made them for you.
#2
First stanza just such a great, sublimely witty tone. "I've made a mess here", great.

The rest kinda dragged after it, felt like it was getting too preachy, too serious.

But the first stanza may stay with me for a while.

Good stuff.

#3
i agree with jammy, that first stanza was pretty good man. i liked it a lot. drugs got kind of a bad name throughout it, but thats not something that is a big deal. 'kids killing eachother with forks and knives' would have been funnier and a flight of the conchords ripoff, but the drugs line worked better

it was cool, did get a little preachiness in there though. i can't imaging its too easy to write a poem about being god and his view of his children, and, mentioning how he sleeps at night is a pretty cool question to pose here man. great imagination .
#4
Quote by Dæmönika
Jamie, you're on my critlist.


Silent prayers filter through the walls
but they address me by name less and less.
Down there, billions are ignoring me, disbelieving,
and somewhere else they speak to others.
People swimming in drugs and killing themselves
over love and lust and I can’t. I created them
yet I can’t die with them. I’ve made a mess here.
this was great, through and through.

Celebrations of death and mournings of love
invade me. Other Gods receive more and more
and I get less and less. I created the rock so great
I could not lift it, but can I destroy myself?
Can I make myself disappear because
you don’t believe I am here?
this doesn't work for me, i'm not feeling the repetition of less and less from the first stanza, and i don't think the rock flows well into thoughts of self destruction. also it just generally doesn't follow the beauty of the first stanza which i think is the biggest thing that makes it stand out.

I hang my head in shame each day
for what I’ve created. I can’t get to sleep
at night because the prayers encapture
the Sandman in their nets. Angels surround
me and attempt to enrapture me, but I made them
not for me, I made them for you.
this was quite nice, i like the tone it ended on.


for me this peaked at the beginning. the end was good but all the self destruction talk in the middle spoiled it a bit for me. i far preferred the remorseful god at the end to the beaten god in the middle.
#5
I'll get to this in the next day or so, blackdotted.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!