#1
the rhododendron room.

i'm a stoved toe
sorry soul
sitting at the bar.
watching angels
get their wings clipped,
drunk and
carrying on.
settled in a stool slump
working on the
draft pump
cutting ties off
business men
with eyes that need
pinned-up.

draft. gimme.
one dollar.
six pennies.
no longer.
as empty.
coo. coo.
katchoo -

was watching an
old lady
mumbling something
about her hubby.
she smoked cigs
like
Cruella DeVille.
had that pinky standing
straight
as if she was drinking
tea.
cracking smiles at
younger men;
guess that's life
in your 70's.

heard a bird
that sounded like
a girl.
chirp-chirp-
skwaaauuwk!
can't understand
one damn word.

goths in the corner
drink quick
leave quick
never stick around
smoke cigs and weed
i think
out back
where they can't be seen
by the rednecks
and blacks.
none of my business
but i guess,
at least they have a plan.

"Play some Steely Dan!!!"
belched by a big
man who
must've been born
with a beard
and a knife clamped in
his teeth.
"arrgh," after every drink.

damn pirates
don't know how
to keep the silence.

but i can smile
comfortable
for a while
cuz
i've got cheap
cultural persona
in a mug.
and i'm muggy.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Aug 28, 2008,
#2
Which the 'of' in the first stanza was an 'off'. Wish there was something more before 'pinned-up', it reads weird.
The 'guess they have a plane' also read weirdly, as, honestly, do the changes between the stanzas.
'man must've', would love a comma.

Other than that, I really, really, liked this. A lot.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#3
Rhododendron* (We had 2 Huge ones in my old garden) but spelling aside I think the title is good. Rhododendron grow to be huge big bits of greenery but with big ol' purple flowers dotted around.

i'm a stoved toe
The most frustrating thing in the world
sorry soul
sitting at the bar.
watching angels
get their wings clipped,
I like the sentiment but i wonder if there's an original way to say it?
drunk and
carrying on.
settled in a stool slump
working on the
draft pump
cutting ties off
I didn't get this line
business men
with eyes that need
pinned-up.

draft. gimme.
one dollar.
six pennies.
no longer.
as empty.
coo. coo.
katchoo -
Liked this stanza, it's got that laborious, chugging along feel that fits. I don't get coo coo katchoo, but to my shame I have never actually bothered to listen to any beatles songs that weren't number ones

was watching an
We already know you're watching, don't we? no real need to repeat it, or at least to use the exact same word
old lady
mumbling something
about her hubby.
she smoked cigs
like
Cruella DeVille.
For me this didn't work. It's just like: I don't know if you're referencing the book, the disney film, the plays or whatever. In the book Cruella deville is sophisticated and calm, in the disney film she's mental. And if your'e ont really referencing either of them, I don't see it as much of a desription because, and this may be wrong, my image of cruella deville is smoking a cigarillo? So I think that either all you'e really saying with this is 'she was smoking' or your'e saying that she was actually smoking like Cruella deville... which wouldn't fit in at all with the setting you've desribed.

If that makes sense...

had that pinky standing
straight
as if she was drinking
tea.
cracking smiles at
younger men;
guess that's life
in your 70's.

heard a bird
that sounded like
a girl.
chirp-chirp-
skwaaauuwk!
can't understand
one damn word.

goths in the corner
drink quick
leave quick
never stick around
smoke cigs and weed
i think
out back
where they can't be seen
by the rednecks
and blacks.
none of my business
but i guess they have a plan.

"Play some Steely Dan!!!"
belched by a big
man who
must've been born
with a beard
and a knife clamped in
his teeth.
"arrgh," after every drink.
Liked this stanza lots
damn pirates
don't know how
to keep the silence.

but i can smile
comfortable
for a while
cuz
i've got cheap
cultural persona
in a mug.
and i'm muggy.


Yeah, I think the title works really when you read the poem and these characters start to pop up like flowers out of the scene you set. I, personally, think it would be improved by focusing in more on individuals? It worked really well on the old woman and the bearded man and in the end I felt let down by the goths because they just turned into an amorphous blob that didn't connect in the same way.

EDIT: everything I didn't highlight in some way I liked.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
Last edited by meh! at Aug 28, 2008,
#4
thanks so much guys.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#5
For me started off very promising, soon drifted off into uncomfortable asides, flat humour, tedious rhyming and a lack of any real good emtional hook for the reader.

Seemed much more a piece for you to get off your chest, than a piece you wanted to hold up high.
#6
really didn't like the font of the title...

see what you've done to me? what I'm forced to become?
really though, I got a kick out of this. very fun read.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#7
(pt 1)

i really liked
working on the
draft pump


i loved
cutting ties off
business men


gefallt mir
one dollar.
six pennies.
no longer.
as empty.


i liked
had that pinky standing
straight
as if she was drinking
tea.


liked how bird and word rhymed

70s (seventies) has two syllables more than maybe shouldve

i liked
drink quick
leave quick


again, liked
at least they have a plan.

my 2nd favorite :
a big
man who
must've been born
with a beard
and a knife clamped in
his teeth.


ich mag dieser ein:
pirates
don't know how
to keep the silence.


this was alright
i can smile
comfortable
for a while


specifically, i personally never like seeing 'cuz' written, ever..

so i'll change it (on the black market) to (and I like ):
because
i've got cheap
cultural persona
in a mug.


(pt 2)

working on the
draft pump

cutting ties off
business men

had that pinky standing
straight
as if she was drinking
tea.


one dollar.
six pennies.
no longer.
as empty.


drink quick
leave quick

at least they have a plan.

a big
man who
must've been born
with a beard
and a knife clamped in
his teeth.


pirates
don't know how
to keep the silence.


i can smile
comfortable
for a while

because
i've got cheap
cultural persona
in a mug.


pt 2 was the parts i liked keeping spaces consistant and thats what came out. i'm looking forward to seeing what it looks like...right...right...now

if you have time
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=945485
Last edited by parkt921k at Aug 28, 2008,
#8
i think it starts off really strong and then you kind of fall into an area of useless descriptions. there is a lot going on and not all of the images seem to correspond together into one gelled point. i guess you could argue that is a style, but that is what i think seems off about this one.

good job in the beginning with the rhymes though. i loved that.
#9
thanks to everyone who read this, let alone commented.
i very much appreciate it.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#10
Jamie and Jared are right. This started off, oh so promising, but soon fell into a realm of monotonous descriptions, petty stereotype jokes, and generally lacked anything heartfelt. It was amusing, but it lacked any of your zeal and whatnot. This time, even your structure of short fire lines seemed to abandon you, as by the end, the quick fire felt forced and the images just felt like you just wanted this to be longer.

For most people other than you, I'd say this was a good read, but needs some work. For you, I say this was sub-par, and could probably just be used for a few bits and pieces, but as a whole didn't do what it could have.

Love some thoughts on ringpop if you get a chance