#1
Sorry about being such a dick last time around, no reason for it, just bored I 'spose. I promise to do a nice full critique on anyone who wants one, so just leave a link and I'll get it by tonight (so crit4crit). Thanks and enjoy.


Friend, Lover; A Dark Well Where We Can Spell Our Names.

Maybe in another life, I'll be
a better man full of consternation,
diggin' up minutes for a time when
I called her name. Now she's the
hollowing lights outside
my window or the
neighborhood horror queen. "Never mind
the bumblebees, we've got
lovers to worry about!"
She's walking like
a tripod or some other laser shooting
machine, destroying this
destroying that. Who ever wonders
when secrets are kept, beautiful
transitive properties I guess.

A normal morning, wondering about the spitting
image of a girl I loved once; hoping she
waits for a gruesome death, spying for that pack
of ugly dogs to take my news away from me.
I like the sky sometimes though, I like the
way the air smells sometimes, and
how I look nice when I want to impress someone,
she'll never appreciate it,
or know it, but I'm a good guy, it's just
no one ever wants me to show it.
So, in the window next to mine, peering
all to similar, away from
a familiar world into an empty nest of
borrowing birds; taking my newspaper that is.
Every morning, I wake up and see them
-- past this deep green field
and steal what is rightfully mine. I don't mind.
Never did, I'd wish their mothers drowned in
their own breast milk if they ever told anyone though.

So I'll drop myself down in to a well,
to show off my all magic spells,
I'll write my beautiful words on
the dark stone walls, and yell
upwards into the light, "I haven't
choked yet!" I wish so often though
that I loved someone better than me
cause they say....
they say,
"you're just as good as the person you love."
I've accepted it,
but I'm so, so scared that it's true.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
Last edited by Something_Vague at Aug 28, 2008,
#2
I don't like the 'from' repetition in the first stanza.
I love the flow.
I don't like most of the references and images, to be honest. They just don't hit me.

Who you were referencing went weird here
'I'd wish their mothers drowned in
her own breast milk if they ever told anyone though.'
Not sure if that was intentional.

I liked the last stanza the most, but the first line was far too upfront in my mind. The rest of it was pretty spot-on perfect, other than that I think it'd do better without the 'that' on the last line.

The last stanza really turned it around for me from something that was great structure and flow wise but mediocre otherwise to something I quite enjoyed. Don't get me wrong, there were parts of the rest of it I enjoyed too, of course, like the 'no one ever wants me to show it' and 'laser shooting machine'.

Strong, but I wish it was stronger.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#5
Quote by Something_Vague
Sorry about being such a dick last time around, no reason for it, just bored I 'spose. I promise to do a nice full critique on anyone who wants one, so just leave a link and I'll get it by tonight (so crit4crit). Thanks and enjoy.


Friend, Lover; A Dark Well Were We Can Spell Our Names.

Maybe in another life, I'll be
a better man full of consternation,
diggin' up minutes for a time when
I called her name. Now she's the
hollowing lights from
outside my window from the
from/from ruins the read here.
neighborhood horror queen. "Never mind
In fact from "now....queen" I didn't like how you phrased this. The horror queen part isn't really connected definitely, I mean obviously it's the girl here but how it's written, it doesn't go hand in hand. The from the.. from the... loses the idea in the bridging words. I think you could just rephrase this (I didn't like hollowing lights, ayhow) and just get something about her being the neighbourhood horror wueen, maybe get some slasher-flick wording going with it, to give it that extra edge.
the bumblebees, we've got
lovers to worry about!"
She's walking like
a tripod or some other laser shooting
machine, destroying this
Comma after this? Helps contrast the ideas.
destroying that. Who ever wonders
when secrets are kept, beautiful
transitive properties I guess.

In the window next to mine, peering
all to similar, away from
Too.
a similar world into an empty nest of
borrowing birds; taking my newspaper that is.
Every morning, I wake up and see them
scamper past this deep green field
Birds/scamper didn't sit well with me. Mixed too much for my liking, weak juxtaposition between the two. Replacing scamper to something more bird-like would help, as the reader it threw this.
and steal what is rightfully mine. I don't mind.
Never did, I'd wish their mothers drowned in
her own breast milk if they ever told anyone though.
"their own breast milk", surely? Unless I'm misreading this?

A normal morning, wondering about the spitting
image of a girl I loved once; hoping she
waits for a gruesome death, spying for that pack
of ugly dogs to take my news away from me.
I like the sky sometimes though, I like the
way the air smells sometimes, and
how I look nice when I want to impress someone,
she'll never appreciate it,
or know it, but I'm a good guy, it's just
no one ever wants me to show it.
Eh, the whole of this stanza, esp. the second half, felt throwable. Felt poorer compared to the rest, but for me it was flat, almost arrogantly kept in here without it really doing much for the piece. Yeah, it's a set up more or less for the ending but to be honest this just read like "THIS IS THE PART WHERE I AM HONEST, WITHOUT USING IMAGERY OR METAPHOR TO SHOW MY FEELINGS", sort of thing. Functional explanation, if you will. Stuck out, for me. Most of this could have easily slipped into the above stanza where you talk about the "rightfully mine", but coming after the cool last line of the last stanza, this exposition seemed almost going against those ideas of keeping the secret. I think the breast milk line leads of better into the final stanza, too. This felt stuffy, and the peice lost its intensity going into the ending for me.

So I'll drop myself down in to a well,
"the" instead of "a" sits better with your title, I feel, as the well is already established with the reader.
to show off my all magic spells,
I'll write my beautiful words on
the dark stone walls, and yell
upwards into the light, "I haven't
choked yet!" I wish so often though
that I loved someone better than me
cause they say....
they say,
"you're just as good as the people that you love."
I've accepted it,
but I'm so, so scared that it's true.
This was a cool end. There's this bit of an open ending which I always like, and it challenges the reader here into asking them questions about themselves too, which is cool. Strong ending, which is why the previous stanza felt out of place to me, because the breats milk line into this would have kept that intensity going. Instead it felt like a paus, when I didn't really feel a breather was neccessary.


Cool read.

Top link in my sig, if you could return. Thanks if you can.

#7
Maybe in another life, I'll be
a better man full of consternation,
diggin' up minutes for a time when
I called her name. Now she's the
hollowing lights outside
my window or the
neighborhood horror queen.

the reason that i didn't like this beginning is 1) it too easily supposes the existence of god and reincarnation, and 2) the main purpose of said reincarnation is a girl. it doesn't seem like theres a hidden message in it, it's just straight up 'don't kill worms because they have souls and one day will become a human man again'. .. I don't like a girl being compared to lights, and i 've no idea what hollowing lights would possibly mean - seems meaningless. but i DO like a girl being referred to as the neighborhood horror queen.

"Never mind
the bumblebees, we've got
lovers to worry about!" She's walking like
a tripod or some other laser shooting
machine, destroying this
destroying that. Who ever wonders
when secrets are kept, beautiful
transitive properties I guess.

I love 'Never mind the bumblebees'. Such a sweet line, - it has toes in the sex pistols album, and therefore famous and truistic overtones, a very very strong line, but 'weve got lovers to worry about', .. ah, .. don't like it. i do like how the girl is turned into a futuristic gun that presumably takes out terminator like machines like hotcakes when they invade and give the coalition time to regroup and drop some nukes. I also like 'destroying this and destroying that' here. good continuation.

is 'when' the right word here? who ever wonders when secrets are kept'. probably, but it makes no sense when paired with 'beautiful transitive properties i guess.' didn't really like that second part, .. and , in general,, i just don't like anything about 'secrets' . when you write about 'secrets', the secret is still kept a secret, and it's slightly annoying, .. to me anyway. if secrets get brought up, as a reader, unless its a crazy strong line, i want to know what the big secret is.



A normal morning, wondering about the spitting
image of a girl I loved once; hoping she
waits for a gruesome death, spying for that pack
of ugly dogs to take my news away from me.

i kind of like this start, .. that youve turned from love to 'gruesome death by wild dogs'.


I like the sky sometimes though, I like the
way the air smells sometimes, and
how I look nice when I want to impress someone,
she'll never appreciate it,
or know it, but I'm a good guy, it's just
no one ever wants me to show it.

no one ever wants me to show it, is the best part of this part. i don't really like the 'complaint that nice guys don't finish first' thing going on here, though.


So, in the window next to mine, peering
all to similar, away from
a familiar world into an empty nest of
borrowing birds; taking my newspaper that is.

i do like the repeated mention of 'the newspaper'. I really like the idea of kind of two people, living side by side to one another, oblivious to the other and that they are both looking out the window at the same time looking at the same thing likely thinking about the same thing and having no idea that the other is right there with them.

Every morning, I wake up and see them
-- past this deep green field
and steal what is rightfully mine. I don't mind.
Never did, I'd wish their mothers drowned in
their own breast milk if they ever told anyone though.

im a big fan of hearing about deep green fields. i think the every morning i wake up and see them is a weak line. i don't like the rhyme between mine and mind, this line about stealing seems forced. if the line about breast milk must be kept, i would opinionate that the word though be slashed right out of its existence.


So I'll drop myself down in to a well,
to show off my all magic spells,
I'll write my beautiful words on
the dark stone walls, and yell
upwards into the light, "I haven't
choked yet!" I wish so often though
that I loved someone better than me
cause they say....
they say,
"you're just as good as the person you love."
I've accepted it,
but I'm so, so scared that it's true.

Yes! i love the idea of dropping yourself down a well. Best line in the whole thing imo. But, i don't like mention of magic spells much. feels juvile. I would rather beautiful words be shortened to 'words'. yell upward has a feel of schizophrenia or crazy in the head to it, and as a reader, i lose empathy for the charachter during this line. I like that he dropped down into a well just to scrawl poetry on the well walls, but yelling up, i'm thinking that's it - this dude's crazy. then I think 'no wonder the girl didn't stay with him, he's yelling at the sky'.

I do though like the line I haven't choked yet. Like it quite a bit.

I like the last seven lines, and the idea behind it. it's a strong finish.

heres link. i apologize in vance, she's long


https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=945485
#8
me and you both fucked up the titles on our pieces.
what a coincidence.

i say this with much love:
it seems like you've been trying desperately to dig your way out of an emotional hole with these most recent works you've posted, but every time you find a point of friction, you turn back around.
i think this one was the cohesion that you needed. you take it from here.


the writing's always good.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.