#1
Don't Know no Nashville (Don't know no thing)

Step off the sidewalk, ankle-deep
into a puddle, again. The wetness
reminds me of her dog, its nose
rubbing on my face, morning, except
between my toes, swirling like cheap
labour weaving pantiehose with lace.
I step out the puddle with a shrug,
then get hit by a yellow taxi.

Hospital, uninsured, and wrapped in soggy
plaster, not yet set, setting. I'd turn my
neck but it's held straight, firmly facing
the door. There's a card on the side
wishing me well, she's left me grapes too.
To pass the time I watch the white blues
of the ward dirty, darken with dusk,
until I let the night slide away, forcing
the next morning to come through.

I'm out in six weeks, and the clock
and the calendar aren't ticking and
turning quick enough. I call my folks,
they're worried but not travelling
cross-state to see me. She visited
once, when I was high on meds.
I woke up and her name was scrawled
on my cast, left leg. A cigerette had
been put out on the bedside table.
The next day I'd asked the nurse
for a pack of twenty. She refused.
I had to bite my lip, damn politics.
I dream that night of burning rubber,
toilet stops and hunting rifles,
handguns too.

Six weeks to shoot, shoot down,
fourty-two days and I'm free, out
and about to run riot, go crazy,
not pay my taxes, and violently
murder a string of unrelated people.

Go see a movie, too.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Aug 28, 2008,
#3
I swear the last line drew a chuckle out of me
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#4
She visited
once, when I was high on meds.
I woke up and her name was scrawled
on my cast, left leg. A cigerette had
been put out on the bedside table.


this was my favorite part of this. pretty awesome, it could have come from a master. the imagery this evokes has entire lives behind it. it says a million words with like 31

I had to bite my lip, damn politics.

perfect response to getting a 'no' on a package of ciggies

this gives me inspiration in the style that its in, in telling a story thats very new and refreshing, and links being hit by a cab, having to sit in a hospital bed for six weeks with the clock not moving at all, and the emotion of being helpless in a bed bedridden in casts with a
neck brace , but being like 'i just want to leave and move around and i was totally in the middle of something when this **** happened and why won't the clock move at all this sucks this sucks this sucks at least im still alive but this sucks this sucks.. when i can move around i'm going to feggin' kill someone!

real cool man .

im leaving this link with a hesitation, but leaving it just the same. its long

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=945485


i meant to crit some of your other ones but im in safe mode and my screen is hunched in
but i will
#5
I agree with zC, this was really refreshing to see from you and I prefer it greatly to the other pieces of yours I've read. I think, though, that where there is the possibility of a great build up to the crash it just didn't hit. I realise that that was probably intentional, but I didn't like it.

The ending was greattt. The flow was perfect, though that almost doesn't need to even be mentioned with you!
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
probably my favorite of yours, though I admittedly don't follow your work much.

As the subtle rhymes were more than enjoyable =]
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#7
This is pretty fucking good. There is no u in forty though. Tut-tut

I can't really give you much in the way of a crit because I'm only online for the next ten minutes and I'm wanting to post something. The next piece you post will be critted fully, like the days of old, sort of.
#8
this is very different than what you've been posting lately.

the story kept me interested the whole way through, even though the ending seemed a little abrupt; but the last line saved the evenflow. aside from a few grammatical errors, there's not really much to say negative about it. i will say though, that i don't think this is your best, or at least the extent of your capabilities.
so i'm going to say that i enjoyed this, but i look forward to a promising evolution with your work.
good job, Jamie.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#10
Anything you could point out, maybe, Dyl?

Do you stand by "I was questioing the narrator and so was drawn out of the story I was creating", or by you editing that out do you not?

Thanks all for your words.

I'll get back to you, parkt.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Sep 1, 2008,