#1
i thought i'd try something a bit different.



Alliterated Hate



Amongst animosity and
benevolence
culture cultivates certain
demons.
Encompassing eclipsed ethics,
foreign fears.
Generating
hate,
inside intolerant ideas.
Judge? Judged.
Koran
loving
Muslims migrate,
negate normality.
Our
precious
Queens
realm... right?
So smash shops?
Thrash turbans? Trash the
unknown?
Violent voices
weep wrath without warrant.
Xenophobic
youths,
zombie zealots,

all abhorrent.


Layout 2



Amongst animosity and benevolence
culture cultivates certain demons.
Encompassing eclipsed ethics, foreign fears,
generating hate,
inside intolerant ideas.

Judge? Judged.
Koran loving Muslims migrate,
negate normality.
Our precious Queens realm... right?

So smash shops?
Thrash turbans? Trash the unknown?
Violent voices weep wrath without warrant.
Xenophobic youths,
zombie zealots,

all abhorrent.
Last edited by AK. at Aug 30, 2008,
#2
Quote by AK.




Alliterated Hate



Amongst animosity and
benevolence
culture cultivates certain
demons.
Encompassing eclipsed ethics,
foreign fears.
Generating
hate,
inside intolerant ideas.
wow... I mean, really WOW
Judge? Judged.
Koran
loving
Muslims migrate,
negate normality.
Didn't quite get these lines here...
Our
Queens
precious
realm... right?
So smash shops?
Thrash turbans? Trash the
unknown?
Still not getting, but I liked this couples lines here, dunno why
Violent voices
weep wrath without warrant.
Aha ! These two are as amazing as the beginning of this piece
Xenophobic
youths,
zombie zealots,

all abhorrent.
And it ends nice... but not greatly


First of all, I have to congratulate you for the creativity, I think I never read anything like this, which is extremely good. My main problem with this was that there were parts in the middle I didn't get at all; I'm not even sure I understood this piece, but half of the lines sounded really cool and the word choice was brilliantly clever.

Well done !
#3
In response to your kind crit of mine.

Amongst animosity and
benevolence
culture cultivates certain
Really, culture? I like to think of culture as something positive,it's ignorance and hate that cultivates these things.
demons.
Encompassing eclipsed ethics,
I'm not sure which ethics are eclipsed? The 'yobs' ethics? the immigrants ethics? Our cultures forgotten ethics? Probably the former or latter, but i'm not sure.
foreign fears.
'foreign fears' suggest that the fears are those of the foreigners, perhaps 'foreign fear' would be better?
Generating
hate,
inside intolerant ideas.
Judge? Judged.
Koran
loving
Muslims migrate,
negate normality.
Our
Queens
precious
realm... right?
So smash shops?
Thrash turbans? Trash the
unknown?
Violent voices
weep wrath without warrant.
Xenophobic
youths,
zombie zealots,

all abhorrent.

And my only problem with the last line is that, yes, technically it's alliteration but don't you find that the stress falls on the 'h' in abhorrent and not the a? It's not my business to say but maybe something like 'all awful' or something?

Anyway, yeah, I don't particuarly click with the idea but you've chosen the rules with which you were going to construct it and I think you did a really good job within those rules, but I dont' really understand why you picked those rules. Other than just as an excercise, whicih is fair enough, but there's not going to be much emotion in there. What about trying to get some of your emotion in there, whatever it is (see, i don't know! ) Pity, melancholy, anger whatever it is.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
Last edited by meh! at Aug 29, 2008,
#4
the


problem
is that
to me
this

reads
like


so.


The alliteration was excessive even though you were basing your piece upon it. The going through the alphabet was fairly pointless and you made a mistake. Good practice as Meh! said.
#5
I'll be back to say more later, but it feels like you started with the most difficult letter (X) and once you had a word to put there, you knew what the piece would be about. Don't build around that sort of thing. Still, you did very well with the restrictions.

Quote by AK.
Amongst animosity and
benevolence
culture cultivates certain Good culture/cultivates wordplay, so I get why you used it, but culture isn't the right word.
demons.
Encompassing eclipsed ethics,
foreign fears.
I wouldn't have put the encompassing in there, because it sounds like a sentence then, but it isn't.
Generating
hate,
inside intolerant ideas.
Again, not a sentence, unless you connect it to the last one, which would be better, I think.
Judge? Judged. Very good line.
Koran
loving
Muslims migrate,
negate normality.
Our
Queens
precious
realm... right?
So smash shops?
Thrash turbans? Trash the
unknown? The question marks shouldn't be here. Remove them and maybe the "...right?"
Violent voices
weep wrath without warrant. The v/w bit is excellent.
Xenophobic
youths,
zombie zealots,

all abhorrent. I like that you went back to A here, I think that's a good ending, but the final 4 lines still aren't even a real sentence, compounding the problem you kept having of writing false half-sentences.


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I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


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Last edited by break-me-in at Aug 30, 2008,
#6
I would stress though that i wansn't being flippant when i said 'good excercise' i do think it's is a GOOD excercise. You have to think about one subejct and you have to bend that subject to your will to the extent that you can pick words in a very specific way. It will easily make you more flexible, help your mind make leaps other poeple's might not etc.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#7
Nice work. As soon as I read "Alliterated" I didn't expect much from the content, but this kept with it and still had a clear message.

E: Also, Q and P?
Last edited by Leonheart at Aug 29, 2008,
#8
At first, reading it was like trying to chew a rock. Took me a minute to see the alphabet factor, at which point I was impressed, but I also hadn't finished to I had to go back and start anew. Even with the alliteration and alphabet in mind, some of the ideas clashed and as a whole nothing much was said. You've got a good idea here, and I think if you focus it towards one thing instead of many united only in the fact that you hate those things, you'd create an amazing piece of writing. As it stands, this was creative, but very frustrating to read.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#9
boys i'm gonna come back and edit in my response. but for now... i'm well haps you you took the time to read it and i'll be back soon...

also my names adam btw, i know ak is pretty obvious, but its adam for anyone who's interested.

EDIT: this is exactly why i shouldn't be allowed on the internet when i'm drunk. i use non words like haps.

firstly fixed the Q P thing. it was the correct way round in my note book. Secondly thanks for all your comments, i'll change the layout to see if that makes it easier to read. i'm sorry to hear it's frustrating to read, but it was frustrating to write so that kinda makes sense.

break me in- i did start with x and work around that. at fist i tried to write something using only the letter S, but soon realised that was ridiculous so i went for the alphabet.

meh- don't worry you didn't come across as flippant and it was an exercise really, something to pass the time at work.

thanks again, all your comments are highly valued.
Last edited by AK. at Aug 30, 2008,