#1
quite alone
quite alone
droned her old.
rockingchair reports:
back forth, back forth,
everything on time.
and the clock smiled down
upon easy prey,
tomorrow went by quickly again today.

dusting off eyelids
Bethany wakes, as the phone
falls from the hook,
calls to her look.
a clever remember, and
tremble;
she builds herself up
to stumble around,
stutters the sounds

"h-hello?"


"grandma? it's me, Chrissy. daddy wanted me to call and check up on you."


"...Chrissy? oh dear, Chrissy, it's so good to hear from you."

"yeah, how are you?"

"oh i'm fine, just fine. maybe if you're not busy we could have dinner together some-"

"-okay grandma, glad to hear everythings good, I'll talk to you later."


click.


"..goodbye"

On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Aug 28, 2008,
#2
The first paragraphs is plain good. Maybe the clock metaphor for time is a bit unoriginal/cliched but it still works.

The second stanza was quite evocative and the image of a dusty old lady was good but... it seemed a bit flippant for what you were trying to get across. Maybe it's just me, but the second stanza comes across as vaguely comic. 'dusting off eyelids'? I immediately get the image of a literally dusty old lady and, to me, that's just funny.

And the break into conversation did nothing for me. partly because i don't think it had the weight because of what I thought of the firs stanzas and beause you just seemed to give up on poetry so you could have a conversation and make it easy on your self. Again, maybe that's just me, but meh.

I just didn't feel emotionally engaged. That said, my grandparents lived in the same house as me for all my life so I don't think I would really get it, I just don't understand that subject matter. Could be entirely different for someone else.

Put simply: 1st stanza, great. 2nd Stanza, weak. Conversation break, lazy/not for me. On the whole: Quite clever but emotionally dry


EDIT: I suppose I should ***** my piece seeings as it's slipped off the 1st page so here goes: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=945017 I'd be happy if you take a look at that and give me your thoughts.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#3
this was beautiful Jake.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#4
this was beautiful Jake.


truely.


my grandma lives alone and i feel like such a bastard now.
i'm not 100% on, "the phone falls from the hook, calls to her look" but the rest is just gold.
#5
This was beautiful; BUT and this is a big but, stu (meh!) was right when he said emotionally dry. The story itself is gut-wrenching.... but the language reads like gin. It's toxic and you crave more... but in the end, the product itself dries my mouth out.

It's hard to explain other than, I felt no attachment to the characters, they were just there to carry the story, the story itself was emotional, but the writing and characters were dry.

Oh my god... I sound like Dylan.

-zC

EDIT:

Quote by #1_synth/Dylan
To reiterate: I felt that you created flat stock characters in a flat "only used to set up a punchline" setting in the elevator, in a meandering and overly descriptive of things I dont care about way.

Now, how to make me care, and not just have a "solid" writing exercise and actually have an engaging short story. One word: emotion. This reeked of a mixture of misplaced emotion and absence of emotion. Eventually I came to the conclusion that you, the author, didn't give a **** about any of the happenings or the characters in the piece. And when I didn't feel that I felt like you were just saying things about people just because. She's going to kill him with a shotgun. So? It was plainly stated, just there, and didnt really build to anything except a type of "social commentary" that I found had few engaging things in it for a reader.

That said. it was "solid."


This is what he said to me, and pretty much what I was trying to say to you.
#6
Quote by ZanasCross
Oh my god... I sound like Dylan.
!!
*tosses bucket of holy water on Zach*
the power of Christ compels you!!

There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#7
Zach (please tell me if I'm spelling that wrong) and Stu, and Dylan (sorta) - I understand what you're saying, I was trying to put as much into this as I could, because I really do feel emotionally attached to this subject. The problem is I just don't know how to put that into my writing very well at this point. If I've done it before, it was mostly serendipity. That is currently what I'm working on above all else, and I would love a few pointers on how to convey more emotion.

AK - my grandmother also lives alone, and I also feel like a bastard for not spending more time with her. She's really a great person, it just seems like there's always something else I need to be doing.


Thank you guys very much, I appreciate all the help. I'll get back to your pieces soon if I haven't already.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#8
For me that's a really hard piece of advice to give, lol. Anywa,y i'll try and help as much as I can (not much)

What are you doing when you're writing a poem? Your writing down what's inside you. What's inside you? Aside from blood and guts: Thoughts and feelings.

When you think about this subject it makes you, what, actively sad? A bit depressed? melancholy? Think about how you feel about this subject. Try and think about how YOUR language changes to represent your feelings. When you stub you toe do you dance around the room going '**** **** **** **** **** ****ing bastard **** ****ing bastard **** **** ****ing bastard' that's what I do. You don't go 'I have hit my toe rather sharply on this brick'. That's basically what I think you've done with this poem. In the act of 'making poetry' you've sanitized your feelings so that, we, as readers can no longer feel then. So it's a simple example but it's true to life. Now, you don't neccesarily speak your feelings out loud but... and this is the hard part, you have to turn your feelings into words. WHen you stub your toe, it's very easy to turn your feelings into words (**** **** **** is very descriptive in certain situations) but when your feelings are more complexed and 'sad' just won't do it, it gets harder. I can't really TELL you how to do it, but maybe this pretentious rubbish i've just typed will make you think about it in a certain way that could help. The problem is simply that we don't feel in words, we feel in feelings, the challenge is to find the words, flow, rythm that best express these and that, I think, is just down to you.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
Last edited by meh! at Aug 29, 2008,
#9
That was just the kind of example I needed. It's like show don't tell, but instead it's feel don't show. or even if that's not the best way to describe it in words, I know what you mean. After reading some other pieces, I think I'm confident that I can get something going with my next one. Thank you Stu
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#11
Well I have something to shoot for then.
I'm certainly not quitting anytime soon, it's a lifestyle now.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#12
clearly the others think differently but for me every single sentence was dripping with emotion, you might as well have called the piece edna (thats my grandmas name) the h...h...hello line was a particular knife in the chest. she says it every time. for me you hit every nail there is right on the ****ing head, and i'm ashamed because of it. this is clearly a connection thing. but i'm ashamed, and this was brilliant.
Last edited by AK. at Aug 30, 2008,