#1
So this is a simple and pretty short song that I want to put to a simple acoustic riff so uh... if you could critique it and give me some suggestions that would be great, thanks.

My Own Madness

A mind is a terrible thing to waste
but that doesn't seem to matter
did i really think you could help me
i'm living in a space apart
devoured by my own madness

This sweet false sense of security
this sweet match made in hell
did i really think i could help you
living in that ethereal plane
succumb to your own ideals

did i really think i could help you
did i really think you could help me
i'm living in a space apart
devoured by my own madness

did i really think you could help me
#3
I like it. It kinda reminds me of Roadside by Rise Against for no obvious reason. But still a good effort. 7.6/10

Can you Crit mine? The link's in my sig.
#4
My Own Madness

A mind is a terrible thing to waste nice!
but that doesn't seem to matter
did i really think you could help me
i'm living in a space apart i know what you re trying to say but this line doesnt make a load of sense... how about something like... im living in a space in my head/brain something like that
devoured by my own madness

This sweet false sense of security
this sweet match made in hell nice repetition
did i really think i could help you
living in that ethereal plane'ethereal' seems a little disjointed to me...
succumb to your own ideals

did i really think i could help you
did i really think you could help meditto
i'm living in a space apart
devoured by my own madness

did i really think you could help me it would be a neater ending if this was shortened to 'did i really think.'

this is a really nice set of lyrics.
i think that not including a chorus is a good thing.
there is enough repetition and linking between the verses for the sond not to need much more holding together.
obviously i havent heard the music but those are my thoughts...

crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=946606
'If I were not a physicist, I would probably be a musician. I often think in music. I live my daydreams in music. I see my life in terms of music.' Albert Einstein
#5
Quote by btrinky18
So this is a simple and pretty short song that I want to put to a simple acoustic riff so uh... if you could critique it and give me some suggestions that would be great, thanks.

My Own Madness

A mind is a terrible thing to waste
but that doesn't seem to matter
did i really think you could help me
i'm living in a space apart
devoured by my own madness

This sweet false sense of security
this sweet match made in hell
did i really think i could help you
living in that ethereal plane
succumb to your own ideals

did i really think i could help you
did i really think you could help me
i'm living in a space apart
devoured by my own madness

did i really think you could help me


Well I won't give a "rating" like the other comments here since that doesn't make any sense whatsoever. You can't rate a piece of writing out of 10.

On to the piece, I found the repitition (sp?) of some parts a bit uneccessary, but I'm not really a fan of repitition to begin with. It seems like there should be more meaning to the text that just isn't written down yet, as the ending is essentially copied from lines earlier on. I guess it just doesn't have enough content yet to fully support itself as its own piece. try to elaborate more on your subject matter perhaps.

Thanks for the comments.
Last edited by rush4life at Sep 4, 2008,
#6
i like it for some reason, develop it a bit more and post s version with guitar. 7/10
You are free to do what we tell you.