#1
crits will be returned. Leave a link or name the piece, if you would be so kind =]

The best I can give is 2%

embraced each other like defeat,
in the wee hours, we
sunk bourbon down thirsty throats
burned the chill, swallowed the choke, and
swapped healthy for sane. We may
have flooded out our love, but at
least we drowned the pain.
don’t cry over...


We ordered out and
ate with sticks.
I swallowed words
and a paper slip, that read
like an obituary.
You told a joke like a secret,
stretched a crooked smile,
and between blushing cheeks whispered:
We’re like books. When we’re opened,
We’re red.


That one just killed me.
Still showing teeth stained read,
you mop me up like
spilled milk.
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
Last edited by Fly, Marlowe at Oct 24, 2008,
#2
This is no crit. I absolutely loved this.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#3
Quote by Fly, Marlowe


The best I can give is 2%

embraced each other like defeat,
in the wee hours, we
sunk bourbon down thirsty throats
burned the chill, swallowed the choke, and
swapped healthy for sane. I love how this reads, it's catchy as hell and I love what you mean, too. We may
have flooded out our love, but at
least we drowned the pain.

don’t cry over


We ordered out and
ate with sticks.
I swallowed words
and a paper slip, that read
like an obituary. This is like the intro in that it sticks in my head like nursery rhyme. I really like it.
You told a joke like a secret,
stretched a crooked smile,
and between blushing cheeks whispered:
We’re like books. When we’re opened,
We’re red.
Pretty clever line, but I wish it would refer more to the fortune cookie instead of books, which isn't really talked about.

That one just killed me.
Still showing teeth stained read, I like it more as "fingers".
you mop me up like
spilled milk. This ending is the only part that isn't clear for me. I think "spilled ink" seems more appropriate.


I never crit things or come in this forum much, but I liked this. I wish I could see more writing that's as clear and emotional as this.
#4
Quote by Fly, Marlowe
crits will be returned. Leave a link or name the piece, if you would be so kind =]

The best I can give is 2%

embraced each other like defeat,
in the wee hours, we
sunk bourbon down thirsty throats
burned the chill, swallowed the choke, and
swapped healthy for sane. We may
have flooded out our love, but at
least we drowned the pain.
the first sentence is great. "swapped healthy for sane" i thought was a great way to describe drinking. i don't however like the word flooded, i realise it works with drowned, i just think that it sounds awkward. but apart from that one word, great opening.

don’t cry over


We ordered out and
ate with sticks.
I swallowed words
and a paper slip, that read
like an obituary.
this flows and you put across whats happening well but i think it comes across a little simple compared to the first stanza.
You told a joke like a secret,
stretched a crooked smile,
and between blushing cheeks whispered:
We’re like books. When we’re opened,
We’re red.

brilliant

That one just killed me.
Still showing teeth stained read,
you mop me up like
spilled milk.
nice play on read. i liked how you split the red section. however "don't cry over" just floats out there and doesn't really fit into where it's placed. where as spilled milk fits in perfectly.


a nice read. very open with it's intentions, which is nice to see. i enjoyed reading it.
#5
Oooh Ed, I like this.
Why did you choose 'wee' hours over 'small'? Just wondering.
This has inspired me.
=]
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#6
and between blushing cheeks whispered:
We’re like books. When we’re opened,
We’re red.


That last line was the only thing I hated in the entire piece. That was, simply put, a gimmick. It reminds me of the time I used "prey" instead of "pray." Its cutesy, and clever... but it just takes away from the piece. It sort of ruins the sincerity, which is HUGE in a piece like this.

Otherwise, a nice little read. A read/bump on Finger paints would be appreciated, but not required since I didn't offer much here.
#7
Quote by Fly, Marlowe
crits will be returned. Leave a link or name the piece, if you would be so kind =]

The best I can give is 2%

Intriguing and intelligent title. Got my attention.

embraced each other like defeat,
in the wee hours, we
Like the interplay between wee and we, but this line seems a little too short.
sunk bourbon down thirsty throats
burned the chill, swallowed the choke, and
Move the 'and' down to the next line.
swapped healthy for sane. We may
have flooded out our love, but at
least we drowned the pain.
Loved this.

don’t cry over


We ordered out and
ate with sticks.
I would again move the 'and' down.
I swallowed words
and a paper slip, that read
like an obituary.
You told a joke like a secret,
stretched a crooked smile,
and between blushing cheeks whispered:
We’re like books. When we’re opened,
We’re red.


The red/read thing is great here, I can't really find anything wrong with this stanza.

That one just killed me.
Still showing teeth stained read,
you mop me up like
spilled milk.
Nice link back to the don't cry, good closing lines.


Great writing. Not much of a crit, so don't bother if you don't want to, but if you have some spare time:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=945016
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#8
Quote by Fly, Marlowe
crits will be returned. Leave a link or name the piece, if you would be so kind =]

The best I can give is 2%

embraced each other like defeat,
in the wee hours, we
sunk bourbon down thirsty throats
burned the chill, swallowed the choke, and
swapped healthy for sane. We may
have flooded out our love, but at
least we drowned the pain. dear lord i loved this part. reading the first three lines made me look forward to the rest. love it.

don’t cry over


We ordered out and
ate with sticks.
I swallowed words
and a paper slip, that read
like an obituary.
You told a joke like a secret,
stretched a crooked smile,
and between blushing cheeks whispered:
We’re like books. When we’re opened,
We’re red.


That one just killed me.
Still showing teeth stained read,
you mop me up like
spilled milk.
im looking for a way to improve this but i really cant. this whole thing is incredibly written.


im not sure if that counts as a crit but its your fault i cant. so if it does if you could read latest obsession for me thatd rock
#9
I really enjoyed this, it read excellently. Usually I tend to try and ignore the line breaks when critting, because usually people don't use them properly and it's not worth the extra breath for something that won't be changed. Just wanted to mention that these were spot on though.

I agree with Zach that the spilled milk seemed to be a bit of a gimmick. Perhaps if 'don't cry over' weren't so detached, or were it more subtle instead of being bright red. Still a nice little concept, and the rest is still amazing. I would take credit for this any day
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#10
haha, glad to have your approval, billy ;].

It's weird. I've gotten such diverse feedback on this piece--especially the linebreaks, which were pretty experimental--that editing shall be an interesting process XD

I'll try to get the crits returned within the next few days.

Thanks so much, everyone, for the pleasantly thorough and timely responses =]

EDIT: Oh, and Nate-- I used 'wee' because of the sonic play on 'we'. Kind of cheap, I know, but I was desperate in trying to emulate billy's wonderful sonics, so I had to stoop to such lazyness :p
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#11
congrats, Ed.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#12
well done, you deserved this with this piece .
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#13
I liked the 'wee hours' my self. One it's how I say it anyway and two I really like rhymes within lines (lol) like that or the rhymes that catch you off guard with how they're slipped in, not just at the end of lines.

Anyway, hurray!
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
Last edited by meh! at Sep 2, 2008,
#14
WotW? Really?
Wow, uh, cool.

Thanks for all the feedback, guys, I'll try to get to those crits as soon as I can, but the return's going to be kind of slow, I'm afraid. School, etc.
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#16
- "and swapped healthy for sane" - This is fantastic, as are your many (but not repetitive) similes which are both deep and complicated, and simple and aesthetic.

Your overall theme and the way you wrote it was intelligent without being too prententious.

This, on the first scan, read like a standard piece without any flaws and would be deserving of the award just on that reason alone. Although I don't neccesarily find pieces like that - that are perfect pieces of writing - deserve such a praise, this felt very personal and interesting. It wasn't just a solid enjoyable piece of writing, it had a more quirky and unitentional vibe to it. Like as if it was written by aliens in secret.

Nothing else to add but congrats, very much deserved, although last weeks wotw was better... ha! kiddin!

Digitally Clean
#18
Really well written song, very catchy hooks (we're like books..., don't cry over/spilled milk). Overall the only critism is that i feel it is a bit short.
Either way great stuff. + The name is very original.

A:1 (my song)