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#1
http://www.eduplace.com/tales/
Pick a story, fill in the form, and post!
Or find a better madlib site, this one kind of sucks.

Here's mine:

Apple Surprise

Dembruary 69th, 1369, Detroit—What was supposed to be a routine apple-picking trip turned into something much more. Tom and Russell went to Yngwie Malmsteen's farm to pick apples. This was a funny sort of farm! To get to the orchard, they rode on a(n) Dethcycle driven by Nathan Explosion! Tom and Russell went about picking their apples, and they filled two big bags with the most blackest black times infinity apples they had ever seen.

Suddenly, your mother happened to ride by on a skunk and offered to turn the apples into a delicious pie, right there in the orchard. Tom and Russell didn't believe that this was possible, but they agreed. your mother told them to close their eyes, and before they knew it, the apples were steaming, hot apple pies. Tom and Russell couldn't believe their eyes! They were so amazed, they ran home and called newspaper name. When Yngwie Malmsteen was contacted about this matter, a reporter was informed that this “miracle” was “just a really hairy practical joke”!
#2
The doorbell rang. penis and penis raced to the door. There on the doorstep was an enormous, penis box. What could be inside? They penis penis the box into the penis. penis penis put her penis close to the box. She thought she heard a voice whisper, “penis!”

“Hurry. Open the box!” screamed penis. To their amazement, penis leaped out of the box and started singing “penis.” There was nothing else to do but sing along.


amidoinitrite?
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
Your post was the only bright spot in this disgusting piece of thread.

Quote by lexanirider78
You have balls. I like balls....(awkward silence)

Quote by SeveralSpecies
I waited for the rape.

...


...but the rape never came
#3
*obligatory penis story*

Goooooal!

Only four minutes left, and the score was tied Penis to Penis. “Get in there, Penis!” cried Coach Penis. “I'm counting on you to help us win the game.”

I grabbed my lucky Penis and Penis onto the field. What luck. I got the Penis right away and raced past three opponents. The crowd was Penis. I kicked the Penis right at the goal. “Penis,” I missed! The crowd became silent. I spotted Penis and Penis in the stands looking very disappointed.

The other team had the Penis with only two minutes left — that is until I intercepted it! I Penis toward the goal and smashed the Penis right into the net. “Goooooal!” screamed the announcer.

The crowd was Penis wildly. “Hooray for Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!”

Then my alarm clock woke me up for school.

EDIT: DAMN, I'M ALWAYS LATE. ^^
#4
Alex: Today, we are interviewing a couple of animals at the zoo. I am Alex and I will be your host. Our first stop is the primate area, and our first guest is mr suave dog. Mr. dog, please tell us about a day at the zoo.

dog: Well, Alex, I have many ugly days here at the zoo. The most ugly days are the ones when I get to fight with my friend Babs Boone. We die all day, and this is a lot of fun. We also like to make **** faces at the people and watch their reactions.

Alex: Thank you, Mr. dog. That was very interesting. Next, we head to the pachyderm area, where we meet Elle E. Phant, a famous father in law who has been seen on the covers of playboy and guitar world. Hello, Ms. Phant.

Elle: thanks. How do I look today? Come, share some tacos with me. Do I look yummy to you?

Alex: Why, no, Ms. Phant, you look sexy.

Elle: Thank you. I have to **** now. I must pack my trunk for a long trip to mexico.

Alex: Well, there you have it, folks. This has been Alex reporting from the zoo. Back to you in the studio.
Quote by Vagabond21
Ewww the searchbar is a slut, it gets used everyday...

Quote by tremeloud

The brain says "hey, lets be friends" and the dick says "hey, lets get those clothes off, eh?"

Quote by Nilpferdkoenig
Yeaaaaaah, Huuuuuhuuuu, Saaaaaaah and MASTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR are all Hetfield memes.
#5
Simply Delicious!
chairs a la Barnot

Ingredients

6800 cups of chairs
7 pounds of chopped beads
2 teaspoons of posters
235 cups of water
3 apples
Directions

jump the chairs under cold water and place them in a(n) poopy bowl.
quickly add the chopped beads, posters, water, and apples.
shoot well until all the ingredients are green.
Place spoonfuls of the mixture on a 9” x 12” T.V..
Bake 20 minutes at 5236 degrees.
Serves 6236
#6
Quote by Doppelgänger
*obligatory penis story*

Goooooal!

Only four minutes left, and the score was tied Penis to Penis. “Get in there, Penis!” cried Coach Penis. “I'm counting on you to help us win the game.”

I grabbed my lucky Penis and Penis onto the field. What luck. I got the Penis right away and raced past three opponents. The crowd was Penis. I kicked the Penis right at the goal. “Penis,” I missed! The crowd became silent. I spotted Penis and Penis in the stands looking very disappointed.

The other team had the Penis with only two minutes left — that is until I intercepted it! I Penis toward the goal and smashed the Penis right into the net. “Goooooal!” screamed the announcer.

The crowd was Penis wildly. “Hooray for Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!”

Then my alarm clock woke me up for school.

EDIT: DAMN, I'M ALWAYS LATE. ^^


Art.
Quote by zObiPhiOn
I came at the

-"Oh Lars, seek and destroy my backside"
-"yeah Kirk ride my lightning!"


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______________________███████████████████
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#7
Field Trip Fun

Yesterday my class took a field trip to neverland ranch. We had a really hard time. The guide showed us one cow, at least 69 tubs, and a very silly ball.

Sigfreud had an accident. He slept over the orgy and banged into jenny mccarthy. She fell against a big heavey midget and put her glory hole through the urethra. We all fapped!

The trip was even more tiring than a day at school.
Living is easy with eyes closed...
--------------------------

Quote by GnR_ROK
I'm surprised you returned to this thread after cheeseman owned you.
Last edited by cheeseman3001 at Aug 29, 2008,
#8
The Pet Show
One day my dad came home and said there was going to be a big pet show in our town.

“That's schlong-like!” I said. “I'm sure Faggot will win.”

Faggot is our pet lemur. She is really smart. She can do lots of tricks. She's very good at shaking her Penis and jumping through Penises. Her favorite food is Penis-Stew. It's the only thing she'll eat.

On the day of the pet show, I got up early, washed Faggot, and tied her favorite Sock around her neck. She looked schlong-like.

I couldn't believe all the pets at the show. On one side of us there was a big lemur. On the other side was a(n) Martian poodle. At that point the judges came by. We showed them how Faggot can balance a(n) penis on her penis. They were very impressed.

At the end of the day, the first prize went to a big lemur with purple stripes. But Faggot got a(n) schlong-purple ribbon for being the most schlong-like lemur at the show.
Quote by Beakwithteeth
What a coincidence one time I ****ed your cousin in the eye.
#9
On the Track of Bigfoot

One electric-type day, our class went hiking along the Pallet Town River. Like all water-type hikers, we were ready for any emergency. In our backpacks, we carried pokemon, pokemon food, and one pokemon.

As we walked along the trail, Professor Oak noticed a(n) fire-type footprint. “Do you think a(n) trainer made these tracks?” Professor Oak asked.

“No, but let's follow them anyway,” suggested Misty.

We evolved for hours. Then I screamed, “I choose you!! I think I see a huge penis.”

“lol wut!” we heard someone say. It was Mr.Popowitz.

“Mr.Popowitz!” we screamed. “We thought you were a huge penis!”

“Do I look like a huge penis? Well, as long as you're all here, you can help me look for lesbians. There are lots of them here along the Pallet Town River. We can take them back to school and study them under our microscopes.”

“lol wut!!” everyone said.
#10


Quote by Beakwithteeth
What a coincidence one time I ****ed your cousin in the eye.
#11
Quote by metaldud536
On the Track of Bigfoot

One electric-type day, our class went hiking along the Pallet Town River. Like all water-type hikers, we were ready for any emergency. In our backpacks, we carried pokemon, pokemon food, and one pokemon.

As we walked along the trail, Professor Oak noticed a(n) fire-type footprint. “Do you think a(n) trainer made these tracks?” Professor Oak asked.

“No, but let's follow them anyway,” suggested Misty.

We evolved for hours. Then I screamed, “I choose you!! I think I see a huge penis.”

“lol wut!” we heard someone say. It was Mr.Popowitz.

“Mr.Popowitz!” we screamed. “We thought you were a huge penis!”

“Do I look like a huge penis? Well, as long as you're all here, you can help me look for lesbians. There are lots of them here along the Pallet Town River. We can take them back to school and study them under our microscopes.”

“lol wut!!” everyone said.


EPIC.
#12
Quote by metaldud536
On the Track of Bigfoot

One electric-type day, our class went hiking along the Pallet Town River. Like all water-type hikers, we were ready for any emergency. In our backpacks, we carried pokemon, pokemon food, and one pokemon.

As we walked along the trail, Professor Oak noticed a(n) fire-type footprint. “Do you think a(n) trainer made these tracks?” Professor Oak asked.

“No, but let's follow them anyway,” suggested Misty.

We evolved for hours. Then I screamed, “I choose you!! I think I see a huge penis.”

“lol wut!” we heard someone say. It was Mr.Popowitz.

“Mr.Popowitz!” we screamed. “We thought you were a huge penis!”

“Do I look like a huge penis? Well, as long as you're all here, you can help me look for lesbians. There are lots of them here along the Pallet Town River. We can take them back to school and study them under our microscopes.”

“lol wut!!” everyone said.

This is astronimically epic.
#13
Hm.. well.. I think this just sums up mine...

Well folks, we're out of time. Thanks, Dave Mustaine. I really enjoyed ****ing with you!

Dave Mustaine: I enjoyed ****ing with you, too!
When a man lies he murders some part of the world
These are the pale deaths which men miscall their lives
All this I cannot bear to witness any longer
Cannot the kingdom of salvation take me home?
#14
mine ended up in appropritly.

the first sentence was "Samantha had decided to try out for the screwing team"
i think to avoid the banhammer i shall not post the rest
#15
An Odd Animal

The Penis is an animal that has black fur with black spots on its penises and penises. Its tail is shaped like a(n) penis which it uses to suck penises. An adult Penis may weigh more than 69 pounds and stand over 69 feet high.

The Penis can be found only in USA and USA. Although its favorite food is penises, it also likes to eat penises. If you ever see a(n) Penis, be sure not to ever sing “Viva La Vida.” That song makes it hard. Instead, give it a few penises and be on your way.
GO YANKEES!
#16
This safety booklet provides some pointers for operating your new wiener safely.

* Always remember to wear your asians so that your eyes are protected.
* Never leave your wiener unattended. It may rape.
* If you are using your wiener in an enclosed area, open the buns to allow delicious air into the room.
* Do not put your wiener under water. This can damage the legit parts of the wiener.
* Do not expose your wiener to too much sunlight. Too much sunlight can cause the surface of the wiener to jump and barrel roll.
* Always use caution when spanking with the wiener.
* Never use the wiener near an open flame. It could easily moan and cause much damage.
* If you are going to use the wiener during the winter, make sure to wear slimy corsets.


I thought it was pretty lulz worthy
#17
Here is a great way to spend a winter day. First, put on a nice warm sock. You want to be sure you stay warm and ****ING AWESOME. Next, fill a thermos full of hot steamy semen. Now you are ready to go snow masterbating!

Some people say only experts should go snow masterbating, but I think anyone can do it if you use a little common sense. I have heard a rumor that Mr. Wetzel will be offering special snow masterbating classes after school at HHS, but I don't know if that's true.

The best place to go snow masterbating is on a hill that is covered with snow. First you will want to clear away any leaves and poops. Stand at the top of the hill and shout, “Hey, everybody, smelt out below!” Then step onto a(n) remote, point yourself downhill, and off you go.

Snow masterbating is fun, healthy, and sticky. And here is one more tip: everyone will be especially impressed if you can balance a(n) allen wrench on your head or play a(n) shemisen as you sail by.
#18
Jude Law: Hi! This is “Movies Today,” and I'm Jude Law. Today we are on the set in Serbia with director Rachael Ray, who is filming a new movie. Hi, Rachael Ray. What is your new movie about?

Rachael Ray: Hi, Jude Law. The movie is based on the best-selling book by Will Smith. The book tells the story of how a group of people courageously protected their city from hairy geese.

Jude Law: Wow! This sounds wet! Has it been hard to work with the geese?

Rachael Ray: Not at all. It's actually been quite floppy.

Jude Law: Well, that's good news. How have you and your cast enjoyed working in Serbia?

Rachael Ray: It's been fantastic. We are using many people from Serbia as extras. They have been teaching the rest of the cast how to go.

Jude Law: Will we see some of your famous special effects in this new movie?

Rachael Ray: Yes! We are very excited about the flying geese in this movie.

Jude Law: I can't wait to see that! Good luck with the drinking.

Rachael Ray: Thanks, Jude Law.
#19
One hairy afternoon while their mom and dad were running errands, Reva and her little brother, JackOffJill, decided to surprise their mom and dad by planting a garden. Reva went to the garage and got a(n) sheep and shovel and started to get the soil ready while JackOffJill rode his bike to the market to buy some seeds.

Reva was making black progress in the backyard. Of course, she first had to sex up a lot of the lawn so there would be plenty of room for the new garden.

Then JackOffJill rode into the backyard. His backpack was hiding! He pulled out carrot seeds, tiny orange rose seedlings, a can of sunflower seeds, and a big jar of pickled hamburgers.

“OK,” said Reva, "I get the carrot seeds and rose seedlings, but what about the other stuff?”

“Well, Mom's favorite flowers are sunflowers, and Dad's favorite snack is pickled hamburgers, so I figured we'd plant a nice pickled hamburgers tree! SWEET MERCIFUL CRAPSHIT!, why are you looking at me like I'm feral?” asked JackOffJill.

“Umm… because you don't get sweaty, tall sunflowers from roasted, salted sunflower seeds! And you certainly can't run a pickled hamburgers tree!” explained Reva gayly.

Just then, their mom and dad came home. They died in the backyard and helped Reva and JackOffJill plant the carrot seeds and rose seedlings. They replanted some of the lawn, too. After they were done, they had a very hot picnic of sunflower seeds and pickled hamburgers.

Dad said, “What a surprise this was!”

Mom agreed, “I never knew our kids had such black thumbs!”


EDIT: My second one actually makes sense.

All kids worry about their first school dance. Will I look horrible? Will my friends be there? Will I dance with someone I like? Will I dance with someone I don't like?

Well, here at “James's Dream Dates,” we make sure that one of these questions is answered: You WILL dance with someone you like. You tell us which famous person you like, and he or she will be your date to the school dance! It's just that easy!

We use the shoveltron 696849843684984 to replicate that famous person, complete with any personality enhancements you request. Does Michael Jackson do something disturbing you don't like? Well, in your replicated version, not anymore! He or she is just what you always imagined! Each famous person is guaranteed to be a perfect lady or gentleman and to have you home 28.5 minutes before curfew. Call us today!
Last edited by Jaymz2K at Aug 30, 2008,
#20
A Valentine Poem

dicks are diarrhea brown,
bitches are blue,
cunts are shitty
And so are you.
Last edited by drunkinkoala at Aug 30, 2008,
#21
Sing to the tune of “Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer.”

You know Penis and Penis
And Penis and Penis,
Penis and Penis
And Penis and Penis.
But do you recall
The most Penis student of all?

Penis the Penis student.
Had a very Penis nose
And if you ever saw it
You would even say it glows.
All of the other students
Used to have gay orgys and call him names
They never let poor Penis
blow his load in any student games.

Then one foggy Penis Eve
Penis came to say,
Penis with your nose so penis
Won't you guide my Penis Rocket tonight?
Then all the students loved him
And they penised about with glee,
“Penis the Penis student
You'll go down in history!”

---


Sing to the tune of “Jingle Bells.”

Fucking through the woods
In a one-balls open Prius,
Over the fields we go,
fapping all the way.
dicks on bob-tail ring,
Making spirits bright,
What fun it is to fap and fap
A sleighing song tonight!

Jingle bongs, jingle bongs,
Jingle all the way!
O what fun it is to fuck
In a one-balls open Prius.
SHIT!

Jingle bongs, jingle bongs,
Jingle all the way!
O what fun it is to fuck
In a one-balls open Prius.
Last edited by guyperson at Aug 30, 2008,
#22
Our Class Project

This year our class is doing a special science project. We have a(n) manbearpig that we are taking care of. It is very moist like my grandma's vagina and it has bloody pee eyes. It lives in a(n) dickhead in the back of our classroom. We feed it deep fried shits and venus cunt traps every day, but I think it really wants to eat my my left nut. Everyone likes our manbearpig.

One day, the manbearpig got out of its cage and started fucking all around the room. It made a loud *jizz*. I think it was trying to say, “HOLY TITS IN A CAN!”

amazing thread.
#23
The Box

The doorbell rang. Jeff and Mary raced to the door. There on the doorstep was an enormous, cool box. What could be inside? They very ****ed the box into the mall. Mary extremely put her penis close to the box. She thought she heard a voice whisper, “woah!!”

“Hurry. Open the box!” screamed Jeff. To their amazement, Buckethead leaped out of the box and started singing “Sotthsayer.” There was nothing else to do but sing along.

: omg!
Quote by The Silent Fool
^ a winner we have.
#24
An Odd Animal

The Penisaur is an animal that has tan fur with brown spots on its penises and sacs. Its tail is shaped like a(n) shaft which it uses to rubs assholes. An adult Penisaur may weigh more than 45765689 pounds and stand over 4869456 feet high.

The Penisaur can be found only in Mexico and United States. Although its favorite food is tacos, it also likes to eat penises. If you ever see a(n) Penisaur, be sure not to ever sing “Happy Birthday.” That song makes it angry. Instead, give it a few tacos and be on your way.
#25
I'm at a new school. Its name is “The Penis School for Rock Stars.” The courses here are Penis!

My first assignment is to learn to play the Penis and sing like a rock star. To be a good rock star, I'm supposed to lick my Penis around a lot, to ride my Penis across the stage, and to shove my Penis at the audience. I did not act like that at my old school, so I think I'll have to work on it for a while; this will be interesting homework.

My second assignment is to learn to have an entourage, which is a group of people that always seems to follow around a rock star. I have a lot of friends, but for this assignment I suddenly have Penis people following me around, telling me how Penis I am, how they really like my Penis, and how I am the most Penis person ever. I can't be sure, but I think they are just saying that.

My final assignment is to put on a rock concert. I have to arrive in a(n) Penis and walk the Penis carpet, past all the Penising fans with cameras flashing in my face. Then, when I get inside, my entourage will be there and I will Penis with them to the stage. Next, I'll perform 72 songs, all while riding my Penis across the stage, singing, and shoving my Penis at the audience. This will be the toughest final exam I've ever had, and the one I'll never forget!

>.> I lol'd
Who said there were no girls in the pit?

<3 Boondock Saints <3
#26
One more for now

Goooooal!

Only four minutes left, and the score was tied 69 to 69. “Get in there, anal!” cried Coach lube. “I'm counting on you to help us win the game.”

I grabbed my lucky fetus and shat onto the field. What luck. I got the aborted monkey fetus right away and raced past three opponents. The crowd was diarrhea-ing. I kicked the aborted monkey fetus right at the goal. “my asshole is on fire,” I missed! The crowd became silent. I spotted barbra fucking streisfucker and brad titty fucking pitt in the stands looking very disappointed.

The other team had the aborted monkey fetus with only two minutes left — that is until I intercepted it! I came like a fucking donkey on crack toward the goal and smashed the aborted monkey fetus right into the net. “Goooooal!” screamed the announcer.

The crowd was shitting wildly. “Hooray for anal! anal! anal! anal!”

Then my alarm clock woke me up for school.
#27
What a day this was! This morning before school, my douche broke, and I had to hump all the way to school. Then the teacher announced that we would be having a test next week on 959326 units of our textbook.

When I was rimming to the cafeteria, I stepped in gay feces. I couldn't get the windows off my shoes! I opened my lunch sack, and then I realized that I had grabbed my leftover lunch from last week. The only things I had to eat were stale tacos and frisky grapes. Luckily, Kevin had some extra cups, so I didn't starve!

That afternoon we had gym class. The gym teacher told us we would be dieing today, but I'd left my bras at home. So I had to lick instead.

On the way home from school, I dropped my bag, and all of my penises fell on the ground. At least we had my favorite mice for dinner!

It's been a long day. I hope tomorrow is better. I'm going to put on my special panties tomorrow morning, just in case!

We thought our trip to the museum would be boring, but we were wrong. After we handed our penises to Lemmy at the door, we were led into the museum's penis. The first things I noticed were the mummy cases against the penis. Why were there mummy cases in the penis?

While we waited for our guide, Mr. Penis told us how the pharaohs always placed a large penis in their mummy cases to protect them from intruders. Penis Johnson and I got a little penis-like hearing this. There were, after all, 69 mummy cases in the room with us.

Suddenly we heard a(n) penising sound coming from inside one of the mummy cases. “Penis!” Penis Johnson and I screamed at the same time.

“Nothing to worry about,” said Mr. Penis calmly. “I'm sure it's just the wind.” Just then one of the mummy cases penised open. Out penised an enormous penis covered with penises. Just as I was about to run from the room, the penis threw off the penises and howled, “April Fools!” It was Mr. Vagina!

We had forgotten that it was April first, but I guess Mr. Penis and Mr. Vagina had not.
Fear the Evil Chainsaw Wielding Penguin...
Last edited by wtbskill91 at Aug 30, 2008,
#28
Quote by drunkinkoala
One more for now

Goooooal!

Only four minutes left, and the score was tied 69 to 69. “Get in there, anal!” cried Coach lube. “I'm counting on you to help us win the game.”

I grabbed my lucky fetus and shat onto the field. What luck. I got the aborted monkey fetus right away and raced past three opponents. The crowd was diarrhea-ing. I kicked the aborted monkey fetus right at the goal. “my asshole is on fire,” I missed! The crowd became silent. I spotted barbra fucking streisfucker and brad titty fucking pitt in the stands looking very disappointed.

The other team had the aborted monkey fetus with only two minutes left — that is until I intercepted it! I came like a fucking donkey on crack toward the goal and smashed the aborted monkey fetus right into the net. “Goooooal!” screamed the announcer.

The crowd was shitting wildly. “Hooray for anal! anal! anal! anal!”

Then my alarm clock woke me up for school.

Quote by Beakwithteeth
What a coincidence one time I ****ed your cousin in the eye.
#29
Cinderella. The way it was MEANT to be.


A Modern Cinderella

My name is Cyndi and I live in a big house with my stepmother, Alexi Laiho, and my two stepsisters, Monica Lewinski and Margaret Thatcher. The old tale about stepfamilies being foul is just silly! Alexi Laiho, Monica Lewinski, and Margaret Thatcher are absolutely awesome! In fact, Monica Lewinski, Margaret Thatcher, and I went to a dance last weekend. It was pubescent!

At the dance, I wore my bungpieces and my cockring. Monica Lewinski, Margaret Thatcher, and I met this really horrid guy named Neil Patrick Harris. He was ****able because he was the president of the Who's in my Mouth? club, and he wore a sickly leather mask. I had a luscious time talking with him.

I had a luscious time, but I forgot my clit ring at the dance. Luckily, Neil Patrick Harris brought it back to our house. First, Monica Lewinski tried it on, and it didn't match her phallic style. It looked really white trash! Then Margaret Thatcher tried it on, and it was obviously not hers either. But then I tried it on, and it fit me loosely! I thanked Neil Patrick Harris and invited him to stay for a snack of assholes. We have a lot in common. Who would have thought that a lost clit ring would lead to a new friend?
Voted 3rd Friendliest User of UG 2010

BUILD A TIME MACHINE, AND JERK OFF IN IT, AND SEND IT TO HITLER!


Saxo-Walrus

Steam & PSN ID: Panopticon20
#30
"All a Dream"

I fell asleep yesterday listening to an old album that my mom had. I really enjoyed it, though I had a weird dream. It was kind of like one of the old songs.

I've been workin' in penis land,
All the cheesy day.
I've been workin' in penis land,
Just to pass the time away.
Don't you hear the whistle fapping?
Rise up so early in the morn.
Don't you hear Pete Doherty shouting
“Joe the Penis Face, fap your horn? ”

Joe the Penis Face, won't you fap,
Joe the Penis Face, won't you fap,
Joe the Penis Face, won't you fap your horn?
Joe the Penis Face, won't you fap,
Joe the Penis Face, won't you fap,
Joe the Penis Face, won't you fap your horn?

Someone's in the penis room with Joe the Penis Face.
Someone's in the penis room, I know.
Someone's in the penis room with Joe the Penis Face
Strumming on the old penis.

It was the weirdest dream I've had in a long time!

#31
An Ode

Radio Announcer: Thank you for tuning in today. We are here in Whosville to celebrate National Poetry Month. In just a moment, the nation's poet laureate, Neil Patrick Harris, will read a poem about a(n) penis. And here is Neil Patrick Harris.

Neil Patrick Harris: Thank you, everyone. This is a very ****ty poem I wrote about a(n) penis.

An Ode to a(n) penis

The penis is as big as a(n) asshole.
It reminds me of small ****s ****ing.
O, the penis. O, the penis!
What do young people think when they see you for the first time?
Perhaps they know there are happy days ahead.
O, the penis. O, the penis!
For some, you are tight, but for others, you are illegal.
If we are fingering, we pause when we think of you.
May you always ****.
O, the penis. O, the penis!
The end.
Voted 3rd Friendliest User of UG 2010

BUILD A TIME MACHINE, AND JERK OFF IN IT, AND SEND IT TO HITLER!


Saxo-Walrus

Steam & PSN ID: Panopticon20
#32
Tuesday, Sandy-vaginaville—What was supposed to be a routine apple-picking trip turned into something much more. Greg and Vaginaman went to The Food Monster's farm to pick apples. This was a funny sort of farm! To get to the orchard, they rode on a(n) Weiner-mobile driven by Dildo-dude! Greg and Vaginaman went about picking their apples, and they filled two big bags with the most diareahha green apples they had ever seen.

Suddenly, vibrator-guy happened to ride by on a(n) ****ing dog and offered to turn the apples into a delicious pie, right there in the orchard. Greg and Vaginaman didn't believe that this was possible, but they agreed. vibrator-guy told them to close their eyes, and before they knew it, the apples were steaming, hot apple pies. Greg and Vaginaman couldn't believe their eyes! They were so amazed, they ran home and called The Daily Rock Hard Nipples. When The Food Monster was contacted about this matter, a reporter was informed that this “miracle” was “just a really sexy **** practical joke”!
Quote by The Silent Fool
^ a winner we have.
#33
DickCock had everything a(n) Horse could ask for. He had fantastic food, a big, frapagashious bed, and the Fapington family to look after him.

One morning DickCock woke up. “I'm hungry!” he said. He went down to the Kitchen but everyone in the Fapington family was still asleep. “I guess I'll have to find my own breakfast,” he said.

DickCock went outside and pissed down the street. On the sidewalk, he saw a(n) fantastic penis. “Gulp!” Down went the penis. “Not bad!” said DickCock.

Next, DickCock headed for the park. There he found a pair of vaginas just sitting on a bench. “Gulp! Gulp.” Down went the vaginas. “Mmmm, good!” said DickCock.

DickCock was feeling very loppstan as he skipped over to a video store. There he saw some tasty video games. “Gulp! Gulp! Gulp!” DickCock swallowed Dawn of the erection and George Lopez's anal advanture!! whole.

“HOLY **** SUCKIN' TITTIES LOOK AT ALL THIS KICK ASS ACTION!!!! It must be time to go home,” said DickCock. He ****ed back home and up the stairs to his frapagashious bed.

“Breakfast! Time for breakfast, DickCock!” called Mrs. Fapington.

“I don't feel very well,” groaned DickCock. “It must have been those weiners on skewers I ate for supper last night.” Burp!
Quote by The Silent Fool
^ a winner we have.
#34
My Cool Grandparents
My grandparents just came to visit me and my family. They do different things for fun than kids do. I like to hang out with my friends at Diamond's Adult World, but my grandparents like to ram eachother at Big John's XXX. Do anyone else's grandparents like to do that?

Both of my grandparents are really cool. They like to wear see-through-panties that look just like something Balsac the Jaws of Death would wear. We talk about the latest movies, music, and TV shows. I really like Pulp Fiction, and my grandma said she does too. Her favorite actress is Big Tits McGee! I can't believe how cool my grandma is!

And my grandpa is just as cool. We talk about Cannibal Corpse all the time! He knows all their music. He even owns I Cum Blood. He said that the next time Cannibal Corpse come to ****ville for a concert, he'll take me! I can hardly wait. He'll be the coolest grandpa at the Cannibal Corpse concert, and I'll be so happy to be there with him.
Quote by Beakwithteeth
What a coincidence one time I ****ed your cousin in the eye.
#35
Dear Mom and Dad,

Camp is so Penis! The food here is really good, unlike that camp food Penis told me about. We get to eat Penis and Penis every day of the week!

This week I get to try out all the activities and sports. We are canoeing in Penis water on Lake Penis. We also are learning how to dive off the Penis diving board! I tried archery and I wasn't very good—I hit a(n) Penis by mistake. I'll practice and get better, though.

For Arts and Crafts, I made a clay Penis, a(n) Penis out of macramé, and a shelf for Mom to put her Penis on. I even learned about whittling. I made a(n) Penis out of wood! Can you believe it?

I especially like all the friends I am meeting. Kids here come from all over the country, from as far away as Penisland and Penisland. I am sorry I have to leave soon. I sure am going to miss all the fun I've had here. Maybe I can go camping in the backyard when I get back and pretend that I'm still at camp. Do you think Spot will want to camp with me?

Love always,

Jimmy


Two friends, Russel and Tom, spent an afternoon in the park together. The day was retarded and both friends were wearing condoms. The friends had just finished f***ing when Russel found a small condom.

“Have you ever seen one of these before?” Russel asked Tom.

“Not like this one,” said Tom.

The friends put the condom on a nearby table, and they sat down and studied it.

“Where do you think it came from?” asked Tom.

“I think it's from USA,” said Russel.

“If it is from USA, this condom is a long way from home,” said Tom. “I wonder if it's tight.”

“It might be tight. What should we do with it?” Russel asked Tom.

“Should we keep it?” asked Tom.

“It probably belongs to someone. I bet the person dropped it while thrusting,” said Russel.

“It might belong to someone, but it could just be lost,” said Tom. “It's so fun. Maybe we should keep it.”

“It would be great to have this fun condom, but what if it had been ours and we'd lost it? You would want it back, wouldn't you?” asked Russel.

“I would. You're right. Let's drop it off at the Lost and Found,” said Tom.

“That's a great idea. Then we can screw all the way home!” said Russel.

“Who knows, maybe we'll find another condom on the way there!” said Tom.
I love Foxy Shazam more than you.



▲ ▲

Last edited by OzarkMDaredevil at Aug 30, 2008,
#36

I just hate it when…

Mom serves penises for dinner.

My pet penishorse chews my penis.

Mrs. Pen0r gets mad at the class for being penis.

My best friend Penis decides to penis with somebody else.

I get penised for something I didn't do.

Dad makes me wear penises to school.

My favorite TV show “That Penis Show” gets canceled because the station has to broadcast a news conference.

People penising into my bedroom without knocking.
Quote by zObiPhiOn
I came at the

-"Oh Lars, seek and destroy my backside"
-"yeah Kirk ride my lightning!"


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#37
The Hanukkah Party
Last week my whole family went to a Hanukkah party at my Uncle Jesus's house in Fuckville. The first thing we did when we got there was open presents. Uncle Jesus always gives us happy presents. This year he gave me a(n) bunny and my little sister, Watson, a(n) cell phone.

“JESUS TITTY FUCKER!!!, Uncle Jesus,” I said, “How did you know I wanted a(n) bunny?”

Then Watson, my cousins, and I played a dreidel game. My cousin Peter Griffin put an empty bowl in the center of the table, and gave us each our own pile of candy for the game. Watson went first, spun a shin, and had to put a piece of her candy in the bowl. I could tell she wanted to fuck, but she knew she had to behave. The bowl continued to fill with candy, with most of us spinning shin. Then I spun a gimel. I got the whole bowl of candy!

On the way home, I whispered to Watson that I would share my candy with her, but she had fallen fast asleep.
Quote by triple_X_maniac
AMERICA FTW!!!

lol jk we suck


<A HREF=

<A HREF=
#38
Some Days Are the Worst

What a day this was! This morning before school, my Dildoh broke, and I had to neuter all the way to school. Then the teacher announced that we would be having a test next week on 8 units of our textbook.

When I was fondling to the cafeteria, I stepped in horny assless chaps. I couldn't get the butt plugs off my shoes! I opened my lunch sack, and then I realized that I had grabbed my leftover lunch from last week. The only things I had to eat were stale watermelon and gay grapes. Luckily, Mr. T had some extra butt plugs, so I didn't starve!

That afternoon we had gym class. The gym teacher told us we would be playing today, but I'd left my bondage masks at home. So I had to ejaculate instead.

On the way home from school, I dropped my bag, and all of my condoms fell on the ground. At least we had my favorite viagra for dinner!

It's been a long day. I hope tomorrow is better. I'm going to put on my special man thongs tomorrow morning, just in case!

#39
I love these!

My sister, my brother, and I used to do this when we were younger. I'll edit mine in soon, I'm going to make a sandwich.

All a Dream

I fell asleep yesterday listening to an old album that my mom had. I really enjoyed it, though I had a weird dream. It was kind of like one of the old songs.

I've been workin' in Swaziland,
All the sunny day.
I've been workin' in Swaziland,
Just to pass the time away.
Don't you hear the whistle shouting?
Rise up so early in the morn.
Don't you hear Martin Luther King shouting
“Bako, eat your horn? ”

Bako, won't you eat,
Bako, won't you eat,
Bako, won't you eat your horn?
Bako, won't you eat,
Bako, won't you eat,
Bako, won't you eat your horn?

Someone's in the tomb with Bako.
Someone's in the tomb, I know.
Someone's in the tomb with Bako
Strumming on the old triangle.

It was the weirdest dream I've had in a long time!

They come out a little bit weird sometimes since you can't see the story ahead of time...at least you can go back and fix it.
Quote by Fishyesque
Well, you might make her think otherwise.

You could just show her that you have a PS3 and BANG.

Heterosexual.


Quote by metal4all
A chainsaw can take a girl off her feet pretty nicely. Then there are less limbs to worry about while you rape her.
Last edited by BlueAltitudes at Aug 30, 2008,
#40
This year our class is doing a special science project. We have a(n) zeebra that we are taking care of. It is very notorious and it has purple eyes. It lives in a(n) playing card in the back of our classroom. We feed it jube jubes and lotuses?? every day, but I think it really wants to eat my bed. Everyone likes our zeebra.

One day, the zeebra got out of its cage and started screwing all around the room. It made a loud moan (of pleasure). I think it was trying to say, “**** YES!!”
Jackson DKMG Dinky, Ibanez RG 7321, Ibanez RG 350EX
Bugera 6262-212 (120 watt), Line 6 Spider lll (30 watt)

Pearl Forum Series Drums
Sabian B8 Cymbals (ride, hi-hats, 3x crash, splash)
Last edited by Connah at Aug 30, 2008,
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