#1
Things never sent:
-Mix cd #2
-body lotion (Something Rosemary)
-Pink night gown
-Four dollar bin "B" movies.

Oh well, moving on to more important matters,
like this thing I heard about a bird in the rafters
of a department store, Someone caught it you know,
the bird that is, it was annoying the patronage
so they killed it outside by dropping a brick on it.
Four teenage kids, funny thing. Could have just
let it go, but whatever
floats your boat.

It never stops though, I heard another one,
this is even better, a doctor comes out to
a man sitting in the waiting room, biting his
nails, he tells the man that the delivery was
a success and the man begins to cry. The doctor
starts laughing and says "Just kidding, your wife
died in childbirth and the baby came out stillborn. April
Fools."

Her birthday is April, she turns: eighteen. I wonder
if she'll want to start over, it's all
about
her
age. We're going to date
other people, well "over my dead body." She said.
I told her that I
"Knew a few guys into necrophilia."
She didn't laugh.

So we'll date other people
and if that doesn't work out, I still got
my day job as a comedian.

Funny stuff right?
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
Last edited by Something_Vague at Aug 31, 2008,
#2
Sardonic.

I liked it.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#3
I can't tell if it's purposeful or not but

'We're going to date
other people, well "over my dead body." She said.
I told her that I,
"Wasn't into necrophilia."
She didn't laugh.'

Doesn't work as a joke. Because you're going to be dating other people and it'll be her dead body, so you shouldn't need to have sex with her. Though if you A. intended for it to not quite work B. just wanted the sense of a joke there.

I like it because i start to feel angry my self reading it and it really comes across as tired, world-weary and acerbic. I don't particuarly like the specific doctor reference though. Would a doctor ever do that, ever? Don't you think of doctors as people who, generally speaking, care? I find that particular view from that part of the poem to be unpleasant, which there's nothing wrong with on its own, but when it's in the same poem as terrible things that do happen and are unpleasant it seems to undermine both of them.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
Last edited by meh! at Aug 30, 2008,
#5
@meh:

maybe the doctor reference isnt meant to be taken literally, maybe as a metaphor?
To put it 'plain and simply':

Music is everything.
#6
Aye, wasn't fond of the non-working joke, but with some rephrasing it's all good.

With that changed, I'd really like this.

Oohh... I'd like a comma before 'right'. But that's just me. I'm used to over-punctuating. Also didn't like the 'floats your boat' line break.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#8
I hate the new line break before the necrophilia line... the comma gives it too long of a pause if read as its laid out, I'd say lose the quotes or do something different with the line break. just my opinion, obviously.

It makes it read so awkwardly that the comedy is lost.
#9
Quote by Band_Leader
@meh:

maybe the doctor reference isnt meant to be taken literally, maybe as a metaphor?


The doctor is still a device and I, personally, think that if you're going to reference real world objects then those objects should make sense as they do in the real world (like the other three stanzas topics). Of course a rule like that can't be iron fast, but a lot of the time i think it should be...

Of course that's entirely my opinion and if he thinks different then there's no reason for him to change it. But aside from things like spelling it's nearly always going to be opinion, so it seemed worth mentioning.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish