#2
Beautiful.

It's like stairway to heaven,
even better backwards than it is forwards.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#3
i love it. its very clever, although i think that you should make it so that it goes backwards, and then forwards. it would add some poetic meaning to it, not that it already doesnt have poetic meaning. it would be like in the second half of the song, the reason for the song is resolved.
To put it 'plain and simply':

Music is everything.
#4
Eh, your imagery is getting repetitive and tedious. Each piece is becoming too similar, imo. That and your whole "edge" or whatever, your out-of-order syntax, in this piece espcially, and your full. stops, is much more a gimmick than effective.

And to be brutally honest, I thought this was terrible. Maybe just me, I don't know/care, but that's what I thought. Mainly for the reasons above, but also because a) the actual content seemed very cliche, when you take awake that "edge", b) it read badly, for me, when read aloud and c) I just realy, really felt unsatisfied at the end. Either there was little substance to connect to or I just wasn't feeling it, but there was no pay off.

Eh. Felt this was way below par.

<3
#5
I don't really understand the punctuation. It just seems to make it difficult for me to read. Can you tell me what you think it adds so I can better appreciate it? I'd like to know I just can't figure it out myself. Sadly the only bit I really liked in this one was 'snarling each timorous moment' aside from that a lot of the images just seemed kind of... meh. Like

moon the sun the rain the stars the
sky the earth the tease could you
you perfect darling your with
universe the tease could you

The moon and the sun and the rain and the stars and the sky and the earth? It's like, cliche city in there man. Maybe i'm not reading deep enough, but it just comes across as a bit ... pointless? Why the moon, why the sun, why the rain, why the stars? And if there's a particular reason for each one, why all 6 of them?

Sorry to sound so negative about this one cause I've really liked your other ones but... oh well.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#6
I hate to just copy Jammy, but when I read this earlier today, I was so disappointed, but I wanted to give it another chance before I said something since you were already getting positive feedback.

The main reason he hit on was that all of your pieces are becoming quite similar as of late... and they are pushing closer and closer to completely style and no substance. You usually sneak some form of emotion or hard hitting idea in there... but this one held nothing. I don't feel your stlyistic approach is more gimmick than effective when done correctly, but here... there wasn't anything underneath worth clinging to, and it left a bitter taste in my mouth.

meh. sorry mate. Oh, and watch your 6 days
#7
i hate how people always seem so "sorry" to give a negative critique. i didn't sweat over this for days, don't worry about it. i don't like it too much myself.

to answer questions, i guess i was too concerned with the backwards forwards thing (meh - the punctuation is there so as the poem reads identically backwards as it does forwards). i was going for that as a kind of representation of two parts coming together (i.e. love which is what this is about).

on one hand it's a shame that you think the imagery is becoming tedious. on the other hand, i think i'm really getting closer to a place where pieces can strongly be identified as "me", which is what i've always wanted. once i get there, that's when i can really write the stuff i've always wanted to write.

edit: really sorry for the six days. i won't post again for a good while.
#8
I have to agree that I felt the whole premise of the piece was nothing more than a gimmick. Once you remove the whole backwards thing, you're not left with much.

Out of curiosity, was this inspired by the Bright Eyes song of a similar title?
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#9
i've never even heard a bright eyes song that i'm aware of. don't think they're anywhere near as big in the UK as they are in the US, although i could be wrong.
#10
Quote by skagitup
i've never even heard a bright eyes song that i'm aware of. don't think they're anywhere near as big in the UK as they are in the US, although i could be wrong.


Nah, you're completely right man. Only the biggest of music enthisiasts here know of him. And those who hang around on boards such as these.
#11
I feel as though the full stops and the rearranging/repeating were designed to distract the reader from the fact that you'd written a short, mundane, and cliche love-song piece. The rearranging and repeating feels like forced originality, and the full stops? I can't even tell what you were going for there. They're just annoying, it doesn't read properly at all, which destroys the little substance you'd created. Harsh, but these are just my thoughts.

C4C? Be equally cruel? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=945016
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#12
Quote by break-me-in
I feel as though the full stops and the rearranging/repeating were designed to distract the reader from the fact that you'd written a short, mundane, and cliche love-song piece. The rearranging and repeating feels like forced originality, and the full stops? I can't even tell what you were going for there. They're just annoying, it doesn't read properly at all, which destroys the little substance you'd created. Harsh, but these are just my thoughts.

C4C? Be equally cruel? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=945016


it's not a song, it's a poem.
the puncutation is there so that it reads forwards and backwards identically.
it not reading properly was intentional.
i'll look at yours now.
#13
Quote by skagitup
it's not a song, it's a poem.
the puncutation is there so that it reads forwards and backwards identically.
it not reading properly was intentional.
i'll look at yours now.


I know it's a poem, but it's writing that you often see in "love-song" pieces.
I understand it was intentional, but it didn't seem to help anything.

Look, I was going to try and sugarcoat it a bit, but you made a big post about how you didn't like the piece much yourself and you don't want everyone apologising for their opinions, so sorry. Feel free to rip my work to shreds any time.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#14
Quote by break-me-in
I know it's a poem, but it's writing that you often see in "love-song" pieces.
I understand it was intentional, but it didn't seem to help anything.

Look, I was going to try and sugarcoat it a bit, but you made a big post about how you didn't like the piece much yourself and you don't want everyone apologising for their opinions, so sorry. Feel free to rip my work to shreds any time.


i have already.
#15
Quote by skagitup
i hate how people always seem so "sorry" to give a negative critique. i didn't sweat over this for days, don't worry about it. i don't like it too much myself.


I just don't like saying negative things really, we're not all used to criticising people
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#18
Quote by Alex
shit

what the heck man?
i didn't even get to read it the whole way through.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.