#1
writing in "alex's" style was fun. Figured I'd try to mesh it with my style a bit and see what happens.

c4c.


Living life through
rose tinted irises
is a biathlon of
dormancy, and
dullancy.

Instead I'll tuck a ring pop
underneath my trenchcoat while walking out of the market,
and use it to propose to my mistress (who recently
aborted identical twins we had named Mark
and Michael). I'll buy her flowers made of chocolate and
promises and watch both drip drop into a messy
syrup like concoction.
Then I'll stick my wrist into her breast
and rip out her beating heart in a cliche gesture
that shows her that I'm leaving and never returning (like the ultimate
bad ass that I am). Then climb onto a rusty motorcycle and
ride off into a sunset on a flat road whilst wearing a leather
jacket made from a cow that I strangled with my bare hands.
I'll ride for miles and miles until I find a place where I can poke an infant with
a hot metal stick (nothing says ex-marine like jabbing kids with pokers).
I'll call my wife, tell her I never loved her.
I'll sleep under starry skies, between prostitute thighs,
and weep over all the things I lost because I stole
a fucking ring pop.
#2
This made me smile...
and even laugh.
I liked this.
Not too fond of the 'metal stick' repetition.
I loved this on first read, but by the second it lost everything because the use of the ending had disappeared.
Surely any kid is worth a poking with a hot metal stick?
And the ringpop thing felt glued on, it wasn't a major statement at the beginning, whether it was the first line or not.
Overall, this was very enjoyable.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#4
I liked the other bit you deleted, just not how you repeated those two words.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
Works like something that works really well .

(what? i'm forgetting how to use words)
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
Then climb onto a rusty motorcycle and
ride off into a sunset on a flat road whilst wearing a leather
jacket made from a cow that I strangled with my bare hands.


i loved it.

i almost always try and use "surprise rhymes" near the end of pieces, but you did it much better than me (i have tendency to go too far). skies/thighs was perfectly subtle and still beautiful.

i wish you'd try a piece in aa/bb iambic tetrameter. i'd really love to see the result, even if you vary things a little.
#8
Living life through
rose tinted irises
is a triathlon of
dormancy, and
dullancy.

Not sure that I liked the use of triathlon here, it comes out sounding awkard or even clumsy. You could have played off of the "tri" by adding a third factor to "dormancy and dullancy", but it's far from necessary.

Instead I'll tuck a ring pop
underneath my trenchcoat while walking out of the market,
and use it to propose to my mistress (who recently
aborted identical twins we had named Mark
and Michael).

I agree with DUHB in that I don't think the initial ring pop idea holds enough weight. I think the main reason for that is the extra info that you've included in the parentheses. It distracts from the main point of the sentence, so maybe you could find a different way to include that information other than tacking it on to that sentence.

I'll buy her flowers made of chocolate and
promises and watch both drip drop into a messy
syrup like concoction.
Then I'll stick my wrist into her breast
and rip out her beating heart in a cliche gesture
that shows her that I'm leaving and never returning (like the ultimate
bad ass that I am).

The "cliche" idea wasn't working for me until I read the latter part of it. It turned out alright.

Then climb onto a rusty motorcycle and
ride off into a sunset on a flat road whilst wearing a leather
jacket made from a cow that I strangled with my bare hands.

I don't like how this sentence as well as the previous one both start with "Then". It has the effect of a little kid trying to tell a story. I'd recommend changing one of them. Also this sentence seems to run on.

I'll ride for miles and miles until I find a place where I can poke an infant with
a hot metal stick (nothing says ex-marine like jabbing kids with pokers).

I can't fault a line about jabbing kids.

I'll call my wife, tell her I never loved her.
I'll sleep under starry skies, between prostitute thighs,
and weep over all the things I lost because I stole
a ****ing ring pop.

The ending has a nice ring to it.


I liked this. I do think the transitions from one idea to the next could have been smoother though, and there were a few cliche bits that I'm sure were intentional, but just watch that you don't overdue it with those. Other than that no major complaints.

Thanks a bunch for your comments on my piece.


-Steve²
#9
this was a nice turn.
i laughed at some parts.
not something i'd like to see often from you, but it was refreshing nonetheless.

sorry, crap comment, i know.
just felt like i should say something.

EDIT: wait, i owe you a crit don't i?
i'll edit it in.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#10
Did you choose wrist in particular? because fist makes a tiny bit more sense, if that matters. it doesn't really.The only line that I thought was bad was 'and rip out her beating heart in a cliche gesture' it made me cringe a little and think 'ack, too far'. Aside from that I laughed quite a bit. I think it could maybe have been more subtle, but that's not really a criticism just a difference :p
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#11
What the fish does dullancy mean? It's not even a word. That didn't particularly irritate me, I thought perhaps you were creating a word that birthed from 'dull'. If anything was close to irritating it would be the fact that, this entire first stanza is seemingly meaningless. Why "rose tinted irises"? Are you angry? There's no suggestion of a reference to anything rose tinted in the following stanza. Unless of course you're looking through a strawberry flavored ring pop, but why the **** would you be doing that? Sure I could attempt to refuse sleep and examine this piece in immense detail for several agonizing nights following, but you haven't given me any reason to do that. Some writing is wonderful because it is open to interpretation. But in this case looking for something deeper wouldn't be fun, or interesting, or anything. I may look like a plank now, if there's a blatant reason why you're looking through rose tinted irises.

I had began to give you feedback on the rest of the piece, but I realized I didn't care for anything you wrote here. Where's the story man? The emotion! Why would you steal a ring pop in the first place? Why should I care about this character? Although you mentioned you were in Alex's style, I still expected it to feel like your stuff. But this didn't feel like anything, it felt flat. As flat as a noticeably flat table.

Thank you for getting to mine bro. If you like, definitely don't feel obliged though, have another read. I'm hoping you'll be fond of the revisions.
#12
I assumed it was an allusion to rose-tinted glasses. I suppose it's more 'permanent' though as it's his eyes, as opposed to glasses...

Personally I have no problem with making up words as long as they add. They're like Lewis Carrol's portmanteaus, though I can see how it could irritate just being slipped in once.

I'm worried that it will turn out that dullancy is a word and embarrass us both
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
Last edited by meh! at Sep 2, 2008,
#13
Rose-tinted irises was a play on "rose-tinted glasses" - looking at life (particularly the past) and thinking about how great it is and ignoring the bad parts.

Also, the whole piece is essentially a play on the fact that I watched a chick flick with my girl last night and wanted to write something the exact opposite of that style of story.

Sorry it missed you, Sam. I'll re-read your later, mate.
#14
I liked the first stanza. It was something a bit different. The rest was well written, I suppose, it gave me some laughs, yes it did. But just from reading the first stanza... I really wished that the piece meant more. Perhaps I'm just in the mood for something that means something.

I liked the writing, just not the subject. I'll hit up your other piece too, since I was really unhelpful.
This is not a pipe
#15
sorry i haven't gotten to this yet, love. i don't have time now, but i promise i will later. i'll get to your new one too.

when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#16
The opening verse has two neat words that I really found enjoyement in reading, "dormancy" and "dullancy". I don't know how on earth you managed to succesfully pull out those words but it was very funny. I wasn't overly keen on the opening two lines though, they felt too dramatic and poetic compared to the rest of the piece. Instantly I am now in the frame of mind that this piece doesn't know where it should rest at night.

I am not overly fond on "ring pop", it just feels so silly when its a serious business you are referring to, even though you conjured a blasse character of no real meaning. I don't know for sure why it didn't click with me. Maybe because it wasn't emphasised enough or couldn't hold enough credence throughout the song.

- "I'll buy her flowers made of chocolate and
promises and watch both drip drop into a messy
syrup like concoction." - This is very nice. It shows a perfect balance of humour and emotion, something I believe you may of tried to do in the opening stanza but failed to do as effectively. Glorious play on words as well that you don't overuse to impress the reader needlessly.

Something else I will note, the ending was too much of a surprise. I felt no essense of disappointment and admittance of the failures. It just kind of appeared out of nowhere in amongst all the great humour - "Then climb onto a rusty motorcycle and
ride off into a sunset on a flat road whilst wearing a leather
jacket made from a cow that I strangled with my bare hands." - without any sense of real bereavement or ecstasy as to where the story will unfold upon.
The character was an oaf, yes, but I don't care that he weeped. I didn't feel sorry for him or glad that he was suffering, I just thought it was kinda funny, in a sick and twisted fashion.
If that was your intension, fair enough, but if not, if you wanted the reader to find more from this, I don't believe you have accomplished it with your usual beautiful grandure.

Something to note, I loved the way everthing was so well laid out. Nothing was overused and no gimmicks were encorporated to gratify the writer with a more confident sense of himself. It had a really quriky fashion to the writing that I adored.
Balance, thats what this had, a task very difficult to do when writing in such a all-over-the-place and intellectually funny way!

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