#1
This is a song, part of a concept.


New faces in the crowded streets
New faces I just have to meet
One with whiskey on her breath
Another walking with Death
Scythe upon her shoulder
Body growing colder
And I pay to see her die
Babe, it’s your turn to cry

Tattoo across his face
Woman holds a can of mace
Some consolation at hand
In case she needs to make a stand
These men are all the same
Take pleasure in the game
And I pay to see her die
Babe, it’s your turn to cry

Moon tonight is white as snow
And giving in to it’s wonderful glow
A streetwise urchin lurks in the dark
Taking a knife in the heart
Just a metaphor, you know
He’s not really dead, just slow
And I pay to seem him die
Babe, it’s your turn to cry

Singing songs in the rain
Grainy voice lined in pain
Too many years spent yearning
Not enough time spent learning
Your coat keeping out the cold
Lines in your face too old
And I pay to see you die
Babe, it’s your turn to cry
#2
Great opening. But "Body growing colder" seemed cliche, functional, and boring. It ruined the first stanza for me.

The second stanza was alright, but didn't really make me feel anything. The third one was pretty good until the point where it says "just slow", which felt unbelievably forced and didn't really fit in. The flow stumbles at a few points, and you need to work on your forced rhymes, but overall, a good piece. But stop saying babe, and stop writing in purple.

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=945016
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


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#3
Grainy voice lined in pain
I thought that was too short. Needs one syllable more.

I agree entirely, actually, with break-me-in. You need to work on the rhymes, such a full on-in-your-face rhyme scheme needs to be used in combination with a flawless flow to work, which I didn't feel this entirely had.

Sorry that I don't comment on your pieces very often, I know I owe you a hell of a lot, and that this wasn't much.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!