#1
I'll take pictures of my new red hair
and dance like a pretty fucker 'til
I strike Gold Strike and end up
hospitalised,
again.

(however you like,
I'll sink back in)

I'll feed newfangled tech music
in to my brain causing
it to decay faster than
it should at my age.

(stick one more in
and start praying for my heart rate)

It's pounding along to the song beat,
feet moving like crazy and I'm
happier than I've ever been before

(transcendence to the newborn)

I'm trying to work my way
back to the mundane
and still remain sane

(i've learnt my heart works better than
my brain).
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Aug 31, 2008,
#3
I love the title more than the actual piece.

However, I'm unsure what to think of the whole thing right now. I see what you're getting at, and I'm not sure if I enjoy the juxtaposition between simple language and more intelligent, bracketed parts. It works, I just don't know if it's my thing. I don't think the word newfangled fits well.

Any chance you could crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=945016
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#4
Your opening is very honest and cultural. Its quite rare to see people using colours as descriptions anymore so I'm very intrigued so far.
I think the off beat and off putting section in brackets is a very neat idea that worked a treat throughout the song, it coincided with the title very well. I would of preferred that it were a little longer in those sections though, it returns to another format to drastically.

- "I'll feed newfangled tech music" - This is an excellent line; I love the way you stood the words "feed" and "newfangled" together.
The second verse adds more emotion which is what this needed so far.

There isn't a lot more I can say for this. The layout and odd structure system only works in this song because of what its about and what I personally derived from it. Which is of course a very effective and joyful way of reading and writing.
This is brimming with a certian tension, cultural, policital, and detailed undertone which helps this soar into the air.

One section that didn't strike me was the second last verse...
"I'm trying to work my way
back to the mundane
and still remain sane" - It feels like something I would write, I don't like it that much in other words.

Digitally Clean
#5
There's a lot of truth to this one. There's not much to say other than the line "transcendence to the new born" didn't seem to fit to me. When I think of a new born child I think of kicking, screaming, and crying which to me doesn't go along with the theme well. Maybe I'm missing the point idk.
Overall very enjoyable =)

take a look at mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=947701
#6
Thankyou . I'll get to your pieces as I can.
Guy above, I'm thinking of the new born thing as being spiritually reborn because of Trance, rather than actual physical birth.
I'm still working on this, wondering if anyone thinks this is a slightly better version?
I'll probably turn this in to a song, got some rough ideas down for it already. Need to work on the last two stanza.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Sep 1, 2008,
#7
I really really enjoyed this... and I feel like I shouldn't have. As I read it, I picked out so many parts that were weak in themselves... but by the end, I didn't give a **** because the payoff was quite tasty.

I really enjoy the way you write, 90% of the time... so its really hard for me to give anything negative back, because your writing just strikes me well. When I find a piece I don't like, I'll hit it hard though, promise.

EDIT: No, no no... don't lengthen it. The second version made me not like it anymore. With that extra material in there, it lost its zip and spunk... it became more of a poem then a witty set of self-examinations that fall into the realm of tamed insanity. I loved the way it flowed within itself, short ideas in a expanse of half-thought out self-criticisms.

Actually, do whatever you want... but I hated the second version.

EDIT2: Forgot to mention, your title is the type of thing Jonathon Swift's wet dreams were made of. It's awesome.
#8
I really enjoyed this piece. The opening two lines were great. Sorry that there's not much to say. I agree with zC on the second version. Definitly don't add the word authority in there.

Great piece.
#9
I love it
I hear it's amazing when the famous purple stuffed worm in flap-jaw space with the tuning fork does a raw blink on Hara-kiri rock. I need scissors! 61!
#10
Eh, to be honest since I nomm'd you for wotm the other month you've done little to really impress me. I know you took a break etc. but everything seems so flat at the moment, nothing really stands out as being anywhere near your best. I've found very little in your last few that really connects, and I haven't felt anything from your payoffs, either.

This one seemed too haphazard. A few ideas compiled together car-carsh like, and it read with no beat, aribtarily arranged into lines and stanzas.

You just haven't struck me since I nomm'd you. Eh.
#11
I liked the the format of this, it read like a sort of call-and-response thing.

It made me imagine some old guy trying to squeeze in a few last minutes of his life...acting like a teenager and such. its an interesting take on that. Or that he knows he's dying and so goes ballistic.

strike Gold Strike made me think of some cowboy prospector in the Gold Rush. Fits in nicely with the image of a happy ol' excited man.


I just felt the part below was..mundane. Maybe the last line in parenthesis could be kept though, but I felt the 'ane' rhyme unecessary.
Quote by DigUpHerBones


I'm trying to work my way
back to the mundane
and still remain sane

(i've learnt my heart works better than
my brain).



if you could crit mine that would be nice
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=948687
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#12
Thought I'd commented on this already...

Well the part I thought could be best about this - the flow - was ruined by the line breaks. I'm not sure if you intended that as a little emphasis on the insane in the title, or it's just a bit of failed experimentation. Either way though, the second stanza was just a bit too much for me. The first stanza wasn't much better, but the third was spectacular. If you could make them all so they read like the third I'd say you'd have a damn good piece on your hands here.

That's just the flow though, the rest was great. It carries that edge that I was talking about before and that is easily recognizable in any of your writing. That's really all I have to say; hated the rhythm portion, loved the content.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#13
Thankyou . Sorry I'm not pleasing you, Jamie.

http://www.myspace.com/pumpernickeltoast
At some point within the next age that should have a version of this uploaded on it. I'd be thrilled if some of you lot gave it a listen and gave me an idea of what you think about it . It's very rough. Just a warning.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!