#1
Hand Shakes and Hugs

The icy air holds fort,
steady like a bullet,
piercing the stance
between you and I:
one timidly while another
with more violence;
It will take a million
gun shots to rupture
this body vest.

Veils and small snails
all together in a shell,
strong like an steroid
stare with no sense of joy.
I refuse to smile,
I refuse to touch,
I refuse to shake,
I refuse to take trust,

It will take a million
smiles to rupture
the absence of rapture.



Digitally Clean
#2
Quote by AngryGoldfish
Hand Shakes and Hugs

The icy air holds fort,
steady like a bullet,
piercing the stance
between you and I:
Not quite excited with this beginning; don't know why, maybe because there's nothing special to absorb in it
one timidly while another
with more violence;
It will take a million
gun shots to rupture
this body vest.
wow ! What an ascendancy ! I really liked everything in these five lines

Veils and small snails
all together in a shell,
strong like an steroid
stare with no sense of joy.
Don't know about this. I liked how this sounds, looks... but I don't see where it comes from...
I refuse to smile,
I refuse to touch,
I refuse to shake,
I refuse to take trust,
This is ok...

It will take a million
smiles to rupture
the absence of rapture.
Again, it's okay, nice wordplay, but there's nothing amazing in it...


So, I like the word and imagery of this piece; but felt nothing while reading it. It felt empty at some point. The wording is clever as always, as you seem to pick the perfect words from everything. I wish this was brilliant because the writing deserves so.

Still, I've missed your writing ^^
#3
Quote by AngryGoldfish
Hand Shakes and Hugs

The icy air holds fort,
steady like a bullet,
piercing the stance
between you and I:
I thought the bullet image could be so much stronger, especially as that's what it's on about.
one timidly while another
with more violence;
It will take a million
gun shots to rupture
this body vest.
'Body vest' was an awkward image, as it's not what they're usually called.

Veils and small snails
This was weird, the relation is only there for the sake of metaphor
all together in a shell,
strong like an steroid
stare with no sense of joy.
I refuse to smile,
I refuse to touch,
I refuse to shake,
I refuse to take trust,
this was okay, I'm not saying any more than that about it

It will take a million
smiles to rupture
the absence of rapture.
Word play, eh, okay.
It felt like it was too torn apart after you wrote a base.



I thought it was overall pretty good, but I'd like to see some rambling thoughts from you to be honest. This didn't hit me.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#4
To be honest (and brief because I don't have much else to add), this was much too:

"declarative sentence
declarative sentence
poor metaphor
witty image"


There was nothing unsettling about this... it felt too planned out. Like trying to make a statue of Abraham Lincoln into a statue of Kobe Bryant. You had an interesting, quirky, "hip" idea... but you already had this certain form and whatnot that you were trying to shove it into. It left this feeling very uninspired, underwhelming, and honestly, non-entertaining.


Katherine is right, you need to just let it go and free-form some rambling piece about how you view life or something. Stop trying to conform to witticisms and creative imagery so much, and just let yourself become part of the piece. I think this is the next step in your authorial evolution.


If you care too, I'd love more thoughts on Ring Pop in my sig... if not, no worries. I'm sure I owe you anyways.
#5
I see what you are saying Zack, but I don't know how to actualy accomplish it, what you are talking about that is. Most of my work just comes out this way, I can't seem to control whether I birth a deformed cripple or a healthy girl with beautiful eyes (sorry if that seems horrible, I am feeling a bit disgruntled with myself).
I do honestly much prefer writing pieces that have quirky qualities and neat ideas and the creative stuff is catered around the quirky and the free-form, instead of the other way round. It always seems to turn out pretentious, like as if I'm trying to conform to what I read all the time from other writers - who actually write properly of course.
Any help you could give, I would appreciate a Message.
Thanks a lot folks.
#6
I agree with zC completely. This felt too rigid and stale, like there was really nothing there but the quirkiness. Obviously you two have already been over that though, so I might just suggest trying something different with your writing, reorganize your priorities and do the opposite of what you normally do. I'm giving it a try right now, and I think you really should to.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#7
I didn't think it was as bad as some of the others did.

The icy air holds fort,
steady like a bullet,
piercing the stance
between you and I:
It was a solid opening, I don't think you need to overdo it. It was very clear cut and made it obvious what the situation was.
one timidly while another
with more violence;
It will take a million
gun shots to rupture
this body vest.
The last three lines don't fit this structure. They should be more fluent and I'll even dare to suggest them being one line. "while another with more violence" felt a bit awkward.

Veils and small snails
all together in a shell,
strong like an steroid
"an asteroid" or "a steroid" ? I'm not sure which you meant. In any case it's a bit of an odd imagery. It needs to be expanded further if you want it to make sense.
stare with no sense of joy.
I refuse to smile,
I refuse to touch,
I refuse to shake,
I refuse to take trust,
Yeah, this bit is alright, a bit gushy, but it's not too bad. Apart from "take trust". It's an awful phrase and I'm not sure what it means. I know what you wanted it to mean, but it's not there.

It will take a million
smiles to rupture
the absence of rapture.
It's a nice enough ending, a bit obvious and dramatic, but I have that a lot in my pieces, so who am I to judge.

I like the simplicity of your ideas.


My sig if you want. I have another piece about as well.
This is not a pipe