#1
Got no sense of time
Everything makes me dizzy
I feel your caress
So soft, so gentle
The clock stops ticking
Just for a second
I hear you whispering
In my ear

You’ve got my heart
In my head it’s all messed up
You’ve got my heart
Keep it, baby, don’t give it away
You’ve got my heart

Horses galloping in the grass
Your lips moving in the moonlight
Nightingales singing in the trees
Your eyes try to tell something sweet
And the wind is crying
Yeah, you know what I mean
Don’t hide, it makes no sense

You’ve got my heart
The rain turns into the sun
You’ve got my heart
Keep it, baby, don’t give it away
You’ve got my heart

Kisses are flying around
A smile comes on your face
Oh, so innocent
So surprising what love can do
With a man’s life
Don't be a fool, baby
Don't try to avoid it
What happens, baby
Just happens
#2
A smile comes on your face...

I'm not really digging that line.

Perhaps Spreads rather than comes?

I dunno.
Nice on the whole though.
Good work.
Quote by Vindication
sorry, but were you born a dumbass or did your mom n' dad take turns bashing your head with cinderblocks?

Quote by Gemini
You know that if you image search "pitbulls humping", all that comes up is a myspace a guy made for their dog?

I didn't actually..
#3
Well, you asked for it... this won't be censored at all. Know its all in teh spirit of criticism and improvement... nothing personal.

Quote by denstille
Got no sense of time
Everything makes me dizzy
I feel your caress
So soft, so gentle
The clock stops ticking
Just for a second
I hear you whispering
In my ear

Well, everything here is terribly terribly cliche. Every image you've used here has been done before and done in this very manner. If you are going to use cliche lines, you need to at least do something different with them.

At this point, I can already tell you are going to need this advice: Next time, don't tackle something so overdone as love songs. You need to develop as a writer before you will be able to provide an original take on a love song, and make it feel fresh and new. As this lies, its pretty much lifeless because every single image, every single word, every single phrase has been in another love song.


You’ve got my heart
In my head it’s all messed up
You’ve got my heart
Keep it, baby, don’t give it away
You’ve got my heart

Ugh. Ripped straight out of an 80's love ballad. This is so... boring. You've really said nothing here. This is just so bland... its so cut and dry. I mean, sure, when you wrote it... you may have been feeling inspired... but to a reader, this just seems like mush. There is nothing here that wow's me. There is nothing here that makes me go, "hmm, that's a cool way to look at things" it just lies on the page. Something htat's been said 1000000 times before and will be said 100000 times again. It might work well when you are singing it to a a special someone... but to me, I want to just stop reading at this point, because I can tell you aren't going to give me something I can't find in a love song from White Snake.

Horses galloping in the grass
Your lips moving in the moonlight
Nightingales singing in the trees
Your eyes try to tell something sweet
And the wind is crying
Yeah, you know what I mean
Don’t hide, it makes no sense

Okay. This is a step up, at least we've got some poetic images here. Then you ruined it with the last two lines. The first 4 are by no means stellar. They just have a little bit of life. Can you see the difference between that and "Oh baby, I love you?" I mean, they have something a little more original in them, right? Now you just need to find some images that aren't as overdone as this. You need to find something, quirky... something that makes the piece say "denstille" and not "everyone." Something that only you could offer, because only you could take that point of view. Understand? The last two lines though, awful. Don't do that. If you are going to write... write. Don't feed me filler. It just pisses me off.

You’ve got my heart
The rain turns into the sun
You’ve got my heart
Keep it, baby, don’t give it away
You’ve got my heart

Line 2 was okay. A kinda neat image... and moving more toward "personalized" ideas. Everything else was covered before.

Kisses are flying around
A smile comes on your face
Oh, so innocent
So surprising what love can do
With a man’s life
Don't be a fool, baby
Don't try to avoid it
What happens, baby
Just happens

First line is the best one in the piece. A good, and solid image. Everything else here is just... well... lacking. There is again, nothing here to wow me. It is all just plain. I mean, its a bit like Amish people (you can wiki if you need to, I'll wait.................) they're still people and they still function... they're just very boring and plain.


Ok... so now that I've bent you over the table and told you that your piece is 97% boring. Where do you go from here?

Step A: Keep writing. Practice, practice, practice. The more you write, the more topics you cover, the better you'll get.

Step2: Take on more specialized topics. Instead of writing about love, tell a story about your childhood (favorite pet dying, first fight, first kiss, etc...) This will give you a very solid direction to go with, and with a bit of direction and real substance... the only thing to worry about it how to present your ideas, which will make you a better writer.

Step 0011: Start taking on harder and harder topics, start moving away from story telling and into the world of making the reader feel something with you. When you hit this point, you'll be ready to start taking on bigger topics.


If you have any questions, feel free to PM. And remember, these are just my suggestions and thoughts, others may suggest other things. I get the vibe that you are just getting into writing... and that's how I made my progression when I started (the above steps), so I recommend it because it really helped me. Also, if you could, I'd much appreciate a bump/your thoughts on my latest (ring pop Chronicles).

-zC
#4
good job zanas that seemed like pretty solid criticism. you should most def. take his advice for real.
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#5
Quote by Sieves
good job zanas that seemed like pretty solid criticism. you should most def. take his advice for real.


and harsh....

anyways I can't crit to save someone's life but I can tell you what I liked. most of it was ok really nothing great i did like that last prt though it was (in my opion) the best part kudos for ending strong
#6
Quote by speedy1330
and harsh....

what good is criticism if it isnt thorough and honest?
Epiphone les paul studio
Traynor YCS50
vox wah V847
Fulltone Full-Drive 2
squire strat- currently in process of getting custom finish!


gassing for warmoth build
#7
Quote by Sieves
what good is criticism if it isnt thorough and honest?


not harsh