#1
this is a very rough draft, but i wanted to know what people thought before i went any further

grab me by the collar, and show me how to live
give me a carreer, and tell me what to wear
pick me a nice wife, and show me how to love
fill me up with ideas,and tell me what to think
#2
I like it Although the last line doesn't really 'flow' in my opinion. I'd take the "up" out of "fill me up with ideas".

Ohh and another thing, I was always told to trry not to use nice at primary school so unless you used it intentionally.. perhaps you should find a thesaurus
#3
thanks for the advice, i agree it would be better without the up
I plan to add more verses eventually, just nothing came to mind today
and I'll look into a replacement word for nice too
#4
This is actually pretty good. I like the concept a lot.

But as the other guy said, "up" kind of throws it off. And try using "good" instead of "nice", or something similair. Other than that, it seems to be a promising piece. I'd like to see the ending result.
Gear
Schecter C-1 Artist
Vox AD15VT
Epiphone EJ-200 Acoustic
#5
Quote by Jersey_Zombie
This is actually pretty good. I like the concept a lot.

But as the other guy said, "up" kind of throws it off. And try using "good" instead of "nice", or something similair. Other than that, it seems to be a promising piece. I'd like to see the ending result.



thanks, I'll definetly post when something more comes to me. I'm trying not to rush it
#6
today was a fairly uneventful day for this song but i came up with a guitar part, it's like a surf style song, almost like a punk song without the distortion

and what do you think of the title "control"? the chorus would just be saying control a few times (hard to explain but it goes with the guitar part)

and possibly another line

send me to your learning centers, and tell me what to read

thats it, but i'd like to get peoples ideas as i go along