#1
Although it's my first attempt, I want you to be harsh, but constructive in your criticism. Thanks.


I still remember, from the moment at all began,
She had those deep brown eyes, and that sun-kissed tan.
I wanted her, she wanted me, we were meant to be,
Filled with glee, to an unimaginable degree.

It's always been known as butterflies,
Fluttering, they wait. Please free me.
My pulse keeps rising.. If only I could foresee,
You & me, were we really 'meant to be'?

Chucked in the deep end of the Seventh Sea
Speechless. & senseless - lost in familiar territory.
Ohh special girl, why can you never be
All that you cracked up to be.. with me?

Seemingly complete: my life, filled with grief.
How is this possible? What have I done?
To lose my girl. Life's number 1.
The love is dead, ressurected by the thief.

Chucked in the deep end of the Seventh Sea
Speechless. & senseless - lost in familiar territory.
Ohh special girl, why can you never be
All that you cracked up to be.. with me?

Chucked in the deep end of the Seventh Sea
Speechless. & senseless - lost in familiar territory.
Ohh special girl, why can you never be
All that you cracked up to be.. with me?

I crumble in dismay.
Wish for a solution that will never come my way.
I'll just have to pray that the day
Isn't as far away as it seems.
#3
Quote by Callumcafc
Although it's my first attempt, I want you to be harsh, but constructive in your criticism. Thanks.


I still remember, from the moment at all began,
She had those deep brown eyes, and that sun-kissed tan.
I wanted her, she wanted me, we were meant to be,
Filled with glee, to an unimaginable degree.

Typo on the first line, should be "from the moment it all began". Second line, I think you break it up to much with the comma and the "and", I'd get rid of the comma. Last two lines, too much rhyming. I'd take out "we were meant to be" and join "I wanted her" and "she wanted me" with "and" replacing the commas. I'd also replace "Filled with glee." I just really don't think that fits, sounds like I'm reading something from the 17th century, which obviously would be fine if that was the style in which you were writing but the preceding lines don't indicate that. I'm not sure about keeping the "degree" either, you could try rhyming it with an "-ing" so you still have the "E" sounding syllable.


It's always been known as butterflies,
Fluttering, they wait. Please free me.
My pulse keeps rising.. If only I could foresee,
You & me, were we really 'meant to be'?

My god, more “E” rhyming! Overall I liked this imagery, it said love to me without you having to state that. I don’t like “Please free me.” It looks like you’ve tried stopping the sentences as with the next lines, but it feels too broken up for me. Okay so now you’re talking to me and not talking about somebody, confusing if the pattern doesn’t continue, so I guess we will see. And again “foresee” just sounds too 17th century.


Chucked in the deep end of the Seventh Sea
Speechless. & senseless - lost in familiar territory.
Ohh special girl, why can you never be
All that you cracked up to be.. with me?

I’m sorry but I think I might have to be chucked in the Seventh Sea if I hear another “E” rhyme. 4 in the first verse, 3 in the second and 4 in this, I make that a rough 12!
I liked this, you’ve made some typos: “All that you ARE cracked up to be” So this just adds to the monotony of the “E rhyming” because you’ve used “be” again.


Seemingly complete: my life, filled with grief.
How is this possible? What have I done?
To lose my girl. Life's number 1.
The love is dead, ressurected by the thief.

I’m glad to see this verse (or if this is a poem stanza, or whatever). I can see you’ve gone for an ABBA rhyme, (not the band) which is unusual, and I like it.


Chucked in the deep end of the Seventh Sea
Speechless. & senseless - lost in familiar territory.
Ohh special girl, why can you never be
All that you cracked up to be.. with me?

Chucked in the deep end of the Seventh Sea
Speechless. & senseless - lost in familiar territory.
Ohh special girl, why can you never be
All that you cracked up to be.. with me?

I crumble in dismay.
Wish for a solution that will never come my way.
I'll just have to pray that the day
Isn't as far away as it seems.


Nice ending. I think you warmed up towards the end a great deal. Maybe a bit over the top rhyming with the AAAB scheme bearing in mind all the “E” rhyming I mentioned earlier.

In summary: Not bad for a first piece, I think this is about you liking a girl who isn’t as great as you thought she was? If you used some different rhymes and made it flow a bit better it would be good.

And by the way I’ve just helped you without “getting anything back” because I have nothing for you to crit, so its not all bad.

Feel free to add me and listen to more hilarious jokes such as the above.
#4
haha thanks alot. i'll look at my rhyming and 17th century-ness

and heh thats good news i wouldnt have done very well anyways so hey.


OHHH. and you were right with the guess btw
Last edited by Callumcafc at Sep 3, 2008,
#5
I like it alot man. Really good job. Im just starting as well. The one thing that i dont like is in the first stanza where it says "we were meant to be". I think it would flow better and the next time you say that it would just sound better if it was the first and not the second time.
#6
Okay, for sanity purposes, I have to un-italicize this thing...sorry hehe.


I still remember, from the moment at all began,
She had those deep brown eyes, and that sun-kissed tan.
I wanted her, she wanted me, we were meant to be,
Filled with glee, to an unimaginable degree.
Okay, when this started out, I'm not gonna lie, I thought "Oh great, another angsty whiny love song.... but then that last line caught my attention, just the way it rhymed and the rhythm worked out, it's really good.

It's always been known as butterflies,
Fluttering, they wait. Please free me.
My pulse keeps rising.. If only I could foresee,
You & me, were we really 'meant to be'?
This whole stanza is really strong, I don't really have anything else to say about it.

Chucked in the deep end of the Seventh Sea
Speechless. & senseless - lost in familiar territory.
The first two lines are great
Ohh special girl, why can you never be
All that you cracked up to be.. with me?
It's right here that I start to realize how many E rhymes there are... I'd change those last to to something a little different, just so it doesn't get old.


Seemingly complete: my life, filled with grief.
How is this possible? What have I done?
To lose my girl. Life's number 1.

No offense, but I have no idea what the hell you're talking about here. I'd completely get rid of these two lines and put something new in their place. Especially the "Life's number 1."
The love is dead, ressurected by the thief.
-Awesome finisher line in this stanza though.

Chucked in the deep end of the Seventh Sea
Speechless. & senseless - lost in familiar territory.
Ohh special girl, why can you never be
All that you cracked up to be.. with me?

Chucked in the deep end of the Seventh Sea
Speechless. & senseless - lost in familiar territory.
Ohh special girl, why can you never be
All that you cracked up to be.. with me?

I crumble in dismay.
Wish for a solution that will never come my way.
I'll just have to pray that the day
Isn't as far away as it seems.
The way you change from despair to semi-optimism at the end right there, is very good and unique. Alot of songs like this just end like "oh i hate myself blah blah," but you were tasteful or something about this. And realistic. Make that first line of this stanza a little longer though, so it works out better rhythmically. Even if you're singing it slowly how it currently is, it would sound good to have some more syllables in there.

I was pleasantly surprised by the quality of this piece, especially for your first. Thumbs up man, after some work, this could be great.

If you get the time, here is mine.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=950704