#1
Written during a dark time. Constructive criticism/opinions/whatever welcome.

Cornea crystal fortress
Crumbled beneath intense tidal explosion
That reigned for days.

Slumber engulf my tears
I've little enough energy to breathe.

Only diazepam body remains.
No novocaine soul.

Although time may clot,
The blood may stop,
The scars remain forever.

So send me a star.
Post it with a stamp from Utopia,
And return address.

x
"Love is so short, and oblivion so long." - Pablo Neruda
#2
this is definitely interesting. i kind of like it, although i couldn't tell you why for the life of me. i love all of the figurative language, and the extended medication metaphor. pretty cool. are you thinking of this as lyrics or a poem or what? if they're lyrics, in what idiom would they be performed? also, C4C?
#3
definitely more poetic than musical. i'm not sure what you're aiming for either, but if it is for a song, you should try expanding on it a little more, as well as adjusting some of the lines to a more rhythmic flow. that might keep it from sounding too forced.
#4
Thanks for commenting metallifan3091. I know it doesn’t quite flow and it’s all mixed up but as I say it was written during a dark time and it all kinda just came out and summed things up so perhaps only to me it’ll make sense although parts of it really do annoy me especially the 1st and 4th stanzas. In that sense I guess it’s more of a poem. I’m quite new to this so sorry for seeming ignorant when I ask, what’s C4C?
"Love is so short, and oblivion so long." - Pablo Neruda
#5
Thanks for that faint spirit. If in the future I decide to mould it into more of song I will bear that in mind so thanks for commenting.
"Love is so short, and oblivion so long." - Pablo Neruda
#6
Quote by fifty5
Thanks for commenting metallifan3091. I know it doesn’t quite flow and it’s all mixed up but as I say it was written during a dark time and it all kinda just came out and summed things up so perhaps only to me it’ll make sense although parts of it really do annoy me especially the 1st and 4th stanzas. In that sense I guess it’s more of a poem. I’m quite new to this so sorry for seeming ignorant when I ask, what’s C4C?


C4C means critique for critique, so, basically, when someone says that, it means that you should accept their critique of your writing, then critique theirs in return. Thanks.