#1
leave a link in your post, I'm not hunting around in your signature for your piece. If I can't click it after instantly reading your post, I'm not doing it. Sorry, too lazy.

Anyway just leave a link if I owe you. Which I'm sure I do.



bear hiccup and turtle burp.




In a day, something changed
not this taste, or the attractive tongue
on the ledge of my lisp,
it wasn't the light in my room,
or these impending moods of reflection
and doom. I'll remember always the night
before, where hung up the phone in this
rude type of way that said, "Who really gives a hoot?"

Bow. chicka. wow, bow. bow, bow. chicka. wow.
I realized what changed in my head, the
beat of the way things go, up & down, making
a similar sound, we all know the one, one sound
one girl,
one way, and that one "whore." Can you blame her?
Really, can you? Remember when they used to call
her chicken scratch in elementary, bang bang bang.

Time passed, and I stopped calling her fickle feet,
and started calling her turtle burp. Nicknames for people
who aren't used to their real ones yet, she started it.
Called me up on the tizzaphone, hipster fad cash in she was,
and said something about I talk like a Bear Hiccup. It stuck,
like so many things do, but change change change. Stick around
and it'll change.

I drew her face, all smashed up, pretty odd, pretty ugly, it looks
like her, i'm not surprised. I'm good at what I do,
to charm, that's why
I don't blame 'er. Or claim her anymore for that matter.
So I SAID,
"Do you wanna die?" and she just fell asleep,
hung up the phone and asked if she
wanted to be my lucky charm. She wasn't there,
so I took her silence as a no. Something changed
that night, the way my blood rushed to the front of my
mouth when I was determined not to bite.
We left it at that.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#2
Top Link. Of the Sig.

First stanza was Gold (ledge of lisp, great) until here;

impending moods of reflection
and doom. I'll remember always the night
Always remember would sit better imo.
before, where hung up the phone in this
This needs a you or I or some pronoun, throws the reader.
rude type of way that said, "Who really gives a hoot?"


This is so much more a mature writing than your last, which I felt was a real angsty break up piece, and lacked any real soul. This was all sorts of fun to read out loud, as usual, great beat to it. I guess if I was to pick something out about it, is that it possibly jumps around a foot or two too much, for there to be enough concrete ideas in some places (esp. the middle two stanzas) where I, as the reader, felt a little lost on your meanings and then susbequently lost a little interest in the ending.

Good fun, though. If you could return? Much appreciated.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Sep 2, 2008,
#4
Quote by Jammydude44
... This was all sorts of fun to read out loud, ... as usual, great beat to it. ... possibly jumps around a foot or two too much, for there to be enough concrete ideas in some places ... where I, as the reader, felt a little lost on your meanings and then subsequently lost a little interest in the ending.


QFT.

I did thoroughly enjoy this though. It's very stand-out next to your recent pieces in terms of how it is written, which I like to see from time to time.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#7
"Quoted for Truth".

I'll get back to this.


Edit:
Eh... not really my thing. It's when you go all ranting about women. I don't mind it much in the sense of how you write, but it gets a little "yeah I got it" after a while.

I promise I'll full crit your next one (That I have something to say about).
This is not a pipe
#8
I have to say you're my favourite writer on UG. I love the way you oscilate between banal/simple thoughts and a strong, precise imagery with proper and meticulate choice of words. Never knew why the hell I never commented any of your pieces (I may have done so a while ago, but I don't recall) maybe lazyness.

This piece is just what I wanted to read from you. Everything I said about your writing in general applies to this piece. So, I have nothing to say, only a bow

Continue for the readers' delight !

If you have the patience to take a look on mine, do as you wish:

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=949563
#9
"I'll remember always the night
before, where hung up the phone in this"

I think that's a typo.

Overall, I thought it was good. I had to re-configure the way I interpret your poetry to enjoy it, though. It was a step outside the box for you, Matt, and though that can often times end in failure it always yields results.

Good work.